Been lurking

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Been lurking
2
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 7:54pm

Hi, I'm new here. I've been lurking for almost a month, which is when I decided enough was enough. DH and I have a long history, we've been together for nearly 17 years - married for almost 14. We have two children 9.5 and 6.5. I never thought we'd be divorcing and I never thought I'd be so happy about it, but here I am. To make an extremely long story short, things were great for many years. He and I are opposites and it really worked for us. We met in art school and dropped out together, he went back to school for a computer engineering degree and I waited to start our family. I put him through school happily and the deal was when our youngest child started school, I would go back to school. After he graduated and we had our first child his depression started to set in and it got worse year after year. He was mugged when I was pregnant with #2 and things went downhill pretty fast after that. He had PTS and never really recovered. It was at this point that he let me in that he's always been depressed, and somewhat suicidal, I of course thought my optimism would shine enough light for him. After our son was born, he decided he didn't like his job, but was too depressed to get a different one. We went into counseling, and it quickly became about him and his depression. He started meds and soon was in love with someone at his new job. One day he told me he never loved me, has never been attracted to me, but he will "allow" me to stay married to him if I'd like. That hit me like a ton of bricks. After the dust settled and the woman he was "in love" with told him forget it because he's married, he told me I was heartless because I didn't help tend his broken heart. I followed his instructions on how I should look. I lost 25 lbs and grew out my hair, I started to wear makeup and trendier clothing and gave him more sex. We went back into counseling and I thought things would get better and they did for a while. Then he got in trouble at work and things were never the same. He fell into a deep depression even on the meds and fought his boss until he got fired. Then he basically spent 24/7 sleeping or playing video games while I sprang into action getting a full time job and keeping our family up and running. Last January one day he packed his stuff and left. I cried, but felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. He called a few days later and I told him I love him, but I don't want to be with him any more. I am a more complete person without him. He called back and told me he changed. I took him back and things were good for a bit. Now he's been in school to become a mechanic (says he cant' get an engineering job) but is now saying he doesn't have the drive to get a mechanic job. He wants me to support the whole family myself. I've still yet to go back to school, I'm supporting our family getting paid $10.50 an hour and we're on food stamps. We are barely making ends meet and we're currently in bankruptcy. He's a mess and is acting erratic. He has issues with alcohol and the other day he bought himself vodka when I didn't have any $ for laundry detergent. I flipped out as I watched him pouring the OJ (I bought for the kids with our food stamp $$) into the vodka. I sometimes worry that we'll come home and he'll be dead or that he'll do something crazy to us. I'm very happy and relieved that I've decided to divorce him, but he's stuck in our house until the divorce is final (Illinois law - can't kick him out unless I prove abuse) because he has no money. I'm thinking that perhaps he can go to the Y or something, but he keeps telling me I'm throwing him out and making him go to a homeless shelter. He's been acting so insane today that I'm a little afraid to go to bed tonight. He's never done anything violent, but I'm very worried. Any ideas??

Melanie

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Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: eatatmoms
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 1:25am

OMG you sound just like me!!! (well, like the *old* me.)


My ex was/is also depressed or something else (it was never quite diagnosed because "there's nothing wrong with him"). he is addicted to painkillers and tranquilizers. like you, i thought that my optimistic sunny nature would be enuf for the both of us. yeah, right. like you, i learnt that *I* can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


as to your issues: you need to deal with things one at a time. first of all - have you spoken to a lawyer? I would think, tho i am no lawyer, that when you are dealing with an alcoholic who takes OJ out of his kids mouth in order to mix himself

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eatatmoms
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 2:51pm

Thanks for the reply. My STBX is off his meds now, but wants to go back on and hopefully it will help him. He goes back and forth from being sad ("My whole life is crumbling!") to gleeful ("Being married is awful - I'll NEVER get married again!"). I would love for him to move out, but he makes $200 a week as a math tutor and can't afford to rent a place. Of course, then he tells me he's not wanted here and I'm basically kicking him out. I wish I could kick him out!

Yes, I do have a lawyer and she says that I cannot kick him out unless there is physical abuse. Even the mental abuse that's going on right now is mostly because HE'S nuts, so I wouldn't feel right using it. I am pissed about the vodka and my lawyer said I should get my own account so he will only have access to a tiny bit of money (as if I have a lot - LOL!), but I don't want to do too much yet. Everything I do and say is used against me. I asked him a question yesterday about our son's homework and he thought I was accusing him of losing it. Sigh...

I am honestly thrilled at the prospect of not being married to him. I have many many friends and tons of support, he on the other hand has nobody. I had to practically beg his parents to contact him when I told them what was going on. He doesn't have a friend. He's chosen this kind of life though and although I feel bad for him, I'm done trying to hold him up.

Thanks again.

Melanie