newbie, confused about ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
newbie, confused about ex
3
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 9:42pm
I'm returning to ivillage after 4 years. I was helped through infertility and IVF, and now possibly due to those problems, I am recovering from a recent divorce with a 2 year old son. My ex had an affair while my son was 6 months old. I tried to work it out, however, could not overcome the affair. I filed for divorce in August 03, and Our divorce was final, only this past Dec 04. I was in a wonderful relationship, and engaged to someone who had been through a similar experience. After 3 weeks I gave the ring back and we remained together (we were together over a year). I was never able to express to him in words that I loved him. Now I've completely backed out of the relationship, and seem to be looking back to my ex. I can not get over the fact that he is the father of my son. I don't want my son to have step parents, and I'm scared of having step children. I don't know if I'm completely emotionally over my ex. I'm looking for any advice. I've read "His needs, Her Needs" and "He's Scared, She's Scared" but they aren't giving me the answers I need. I'm pretty sure if we were back together it wouldn't work out, but I'm unable to get the fantasy out of my head. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 1:40am

hi and welcome. as clichee as this sounds, I think that what you are missing is *closure*. I don't know if you and your ex (your son's father) can work out or not - maybe yes, maybe not - but I do think that you need to really work thru that relationship. what i mean is - you were together, in love, etc, working thru some difficult issues (infertility), and then cheating. this is A LOT to deal with. When you say that you tried to work thru this - i am not sure what you mean. did you and he go to counseling? i think that relatinships cannot survive infidelity unless there is counseling (and even then, its a tough issue). now you are unsure about future relationships. and that is quite normal - not healthy, but normal - considering what you've been thru. that's why if i were you i would go back to that point where things got messed up. go to counseling for YOU to deal with the infidelity and the breakup of your marriage. if, at any point, you and/or the therapist feel that it may be worth a shot to involve your ex - then do so. even if not,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 7:29am
thank you for your insight. I think my eh is a great father, however, he wasn't ready for that role at the time. We did try counseling together for awhile, however, he was still blaming his actions on me. I didn't seek any further counsel after moving back home with my parents. I live in a rural community where it is difficult to find professional counseling, and as a single parent, well, you know, it's difficult. Once again, thankyou for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 10:39am

I think that what you're feeling is completely normal!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie