DD wants to move in with X

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
DD wants to move in with X
4
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:02am
My oldest 12 came home from x's weekend and said she needed to talk to me. My x and his wife moved into a "new" house that weekend and they have more room and she picked out a room that she would like. So she asked if she could move in with them......
I've got 3 children and we've been divorced for about 4years. She has mentioned moving in with him before but he drifted and then just last year married but it has not come up since the early divorce months. I didn't know what to say just NO, you are not moving!
Please help me on this one, she is a Daddy's girl but this past year I have really felt we've bonded more and now this! I've got custody and he has them every other weekend, and I've always told him he could come see them anytime but he doesn't....but yet he's the greatest dad in the world. pretty amazing! ughh HELP!!! PLEASE!
Sam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:53am

wow - i think that this is the biggest fear that the custodial parent has: that a child will choose to be with the "other" parent. i am sorry that you are going thru this. all i can say is that the bottom line decision should be based on what's best for your child. if the father is offering a stable, clean, safe home - and your child is happy there - and wants to be there - then really why is YOUR home *better* for her? i know that this isn't fair, and this isn't what you agreed on - but situations do change.


maybe there is room for compromise here - maybe she can spend more time at dad's house (not just every other weekend) without "moving in" there completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:01pm

Would moving require her to change schools? If not, then why not try every other week for a while, say two months. Either that or have her talk to a counselor to make sure she's saying this for the right reasons. 12 years old might be old enough to make this decision depending on her maturity level. Usually at that age, even the courts would not leave it completely up to the child. It would be up to what both parents think is in the child's best interests, what a third party (GAL or therapist) recommends *and* the child's wishes, with some factors having more weight than others depending on circumstance.

If she wants/needs more time with her dad, and her dad wants this too, then a change might be in her best interests. The hard part is separating what you want from what is best for her. Of course you are going to want her to stay with you. It might work out that if you let her go, in a year she will want to come back. Although I wouldn't let her chose on a time to keep moving back and forth (unless some form of joint physical custody is agreed to and followed on a consistent basis).

Have you talked to her father, what does he think? What does your dd think about not living with her younger siblings?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:12pm

Why not tell her that you and her dad... and step mom... need to talk about it first.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:46am

My oldest is 12 now and he used to want to live with his dad, but his dad moved out of the school district and married someone that treats them like 'visitors'. It's been hard for him. On one hand, I know the panic it can also send in your own emotions.

My biggest concern is that my 12 yr old wanted to live with his dad because he'd get all the attention. He's one of 4 and I don't want him to miss out on being a sibling either. I don't think they can do that and live almost an 'only' child life during a great deal of their life. The other three don't want to go more than every other weekend. Their dad hasn't made a 'place' for them and that's been hard to watch.

So, make sure the reasons are right. I asked my 12 yr old what he'd like if the world was perfect. He said he wanted us in the same house, but knows we can't so he wishes we lived closer together. His dad moved, which makes that an out too. So I asked him his 3rd option, he said to just be able to spend more time. I asked how much, he said maybe more in the summer time or for dinners on his dad's sundays. I asked my ex if he'd consider keeping them the extra time, he said no. He wants to do away with his Tuesday visit in the evening as well and have them at his house in the summer more now that he has a wife that can take care of them. Anyway, the point is, find out what your child is really asking for. Is it the fun of a 'new house', maybe redecorating her room would sufice. Maybe she's really needing more time........but is it time that she wants free from having to share that with siblings so she can be a only child? I think, for my sons personality, being the only child would not be a good thing. He's selfish by nature and making him always the center would not be a good thing. But you have to validate her feelings. It's not uncommon for kids to want to move, but you can't do the back and forth thing when one parent is having to dicipline or something. Maybe do some extra time in the summer, although it's not 'real life' like homework, etc. My ex offers the 'play house' and I offer the structure. That's hard to compete with, although they still want to be here at 'home' because their dads home has been drilled into them that they are just visitors and HER kids are the ones that live there. It makes your heart break!

Do a trial period. See if all the kids want to go. It isn't really 'real life' if only one child goes. That may be hard for you, but you may enjoy the time. If he's a good father and you two can communicate, give more time during the week. Maybe two overnights on school nights. Maybe 50/50 could work for your family after you've had a moment to breathe through the feelings of fear of losing them (which is normal when you've been the custodial parent). My ex wouldn't get them to school or do homework, so if you have a father that can, that might not be a bad option. There are a whole realm of emotions that go along with it. If he's remarried, you have to deal with 'her' as well and that relationship may be a maker or breaker. Leave options open. It won't hurt to try something new. (it might hurt you for a moment) but you can always try it on a temporary basis so nothing is in concrete. The 'newness' wears off of a new house. If your daughter wants more time with her dad.......that can be accomplished in other ways than making a permanent move.

As she gets older, she can make that choice anyway (unless it's obvious it's not in her best interest) courts will allow her that, although in my state, they do agree siblings should remain together unless their are extenuating circumstances.

It's the old rule, if they know they have the freedom. You also don't want to be manipulated by a child using moving as a way to get what they want or use your fear of htem leaving to not have rules. Happens all the time. I've always told my kids if the day comes that they would like to live with their dad, we'd talk about it. I told my son I knew it must be hard to not have his dad in his life everyday. Sometimes they just want to know the option is there and then it's not needed. He asked me the other day if he gets a car when he's older, can he go see his dad when he wants to. I told him yes, with-in reason (meaning not to avoid homework, etc). That seemed to bring him peace. He also knows I asked his dad, on his behalf, to spend Sundays, even though his dad said no, I still asked. I also sat him down with a calendar and asked him what he wanted for summer time, if he could. He wanted three weeks. His dad has two alread, but he's never taken both of them. my son felt good having some input.
Good luck.