Here I am again...up all night crying
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 10:31am |
it happens like clock work now. We have been having the same fight now for three years, we have been married 5 1/2 together 6. I'm tired of having this fight over and over again. He says he just doesn't feel anything anymore, but says he loves me everyday several times a day. He's become inconsiderate, rude, hateful, says things to hurt me intentionally, is incompassionate when I need him most. His good points are he is an excellent provider, he has prepare the future if anything happens to him the children and I will be taken care of. He is good to the children and loves them alot, neither they or I want for any material things. But for me, I just can't take having the same battle with him and him NEVER getting it. We have been to counseling, I've read books, he refuses to read them, I have to read them to him if I want him to hear what they have to say. It seems like I've tried everything to get him to understand how I feel when he refuses to hear me out on his cold and rejecting ways. To him it's "just whining"
Am I over reacting to want to leave this all behind me and start a new or is it really something that is a problem that will never resolve itself?
TIA

Do you think that he does not love you? Or do you think that, to him, this IS love and marriage. It's possible that this is the best that he can offer. And he is obviously not interested in changing.
As you know, you have no power to change his personality. Only he could do that (with years of therapy and a tremendous desire to acheive), and he doesn't want to. So your choices are to: 1) adjust your expectations and decide to live in physical comforts while ignoring the verbal attacks and lack of loving expressions or 2) find a way to leave. The choice is completely yours and only you will know which is best for you, your kids, your situation.
But if he is this way with the kids, or with you IN FRONT of the kids, then it would be best (for their mental health and for development into people capable of love) if you could get yourself under a seperate roof. That way they could spend at least part of their lives in a loving home and learn HOW it is done properly. I hope that I have not misunderstood your post, divorce is the last resort. But if he is causing damage to your children, then only you can bring them some relief.
Rosemile is right - you only have the answer to your questions...
but perhaps we can find some more questions for you, to ask yourself.
- he says "I love you". How much is out of habit, or does it comes from the heart?
- do YOU love him? really, deeply, inequivocally?
- is it enough to be a good provider? can you live with that?
Reading your message, it strikes me that you seems to already know what you want, you are only asking for justification. Remember that this is your life. Life may not be fair, but you have the choice to be fair or not, at least to yourself and the children. Don't hide behind money! money is a reason, but not a protection or a parapet.
In the end, the biggest question is: what do you want to do?
How in heck did my ex husband end up in your house?
Just a little levity...I don't in any way intend to diminish the pain of your situation. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. Since talking to other divorced moms, I have discovered that this emotional coldness is not unusual. I have definitely BTDT--I choose to describe my ex as emotionally disabled.
I don't think you're overreacting. Keep doing what you're doing, getting counselling, talking, thinking and most of all, taking care of yourself. Ask the old Ann Landers question, Am I better off with or without him? Only you know.