possible seperation/divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
possible seperation/divorce
5
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:26pm
Hi, just need advice. My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years and have 1 child that's 2. She also has a 14 yr old that lives with us full time. Things have been rough, and now she wants to seperate. Says she has no feelings left anymore for me. I'm going to counseling to help resolve my issues, but not sure how to try and get the feelings back. Don't want to seperate or divorce for many reasons. Family, support, etc. ANy advice on how to rekindle the lost feelings?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:54pm

I cannot know whether it will be possible, but I can give you one person's opinion on the place to begin. You mention that there have been some big problems, and this can cause us to lose faith that our spouse still is the person that we feel in love with. Without a solid foundation of trust, love cannot flourish, and during the marital troubles, the trust is destroyed.

I think step one is to rebuild that trust. To find ways to demonstrate (with more than just words) that you intend to behave like a man that she could love. Then if you can both be good to each other, both find ways to forgive (though you will never forget), there may be a chance. Kids are a great reason to try your very best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:52pm
thanks, that's what I'm trying to do, but its frustrating that she says there's no feeling left. I keep trying to anything and everything, but so far no luck. I start my consouling tomorrow morning, so I'm hoping that will also help make progress. The trust is still there for us, for the most part I believe, the biggest hurdle is ensuring her that things won't go back to the way of old. I'm trying to deal with my insecurities, and to become a better father to her daughter, but it's hard for her to understand that this is the wake up call I needed to make the changes to me permanent-no going back to the jerk that I sometimes was in the past. I appreciate your comments rosemile.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 11:46am

I kept thinking about something that I was reminded of just yesterday as I read your post.


"love isn't something that we say, it's something that we do"


Those "feelings" take REGULAR maintenance, input and commitment to stay fresh... you know, like the things that BOTH people do when a relationship is new.... then, BOTH people have the tendency to slack off down the road and expect things to "feel" the same way... but what did you "do" to make sure that they did?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 12:15pm
I think the fact that you are going to counceling is a huge step in the right direction. It takes alot of courage to take that step. Being in a similiar situation of(feeling like I have lost those feelings) for my husband, the biggest thing that made me pull away from him even more, was the fact that he became so clingy. Also, I have a stepdaughter, I know how difficult it is to deal with stepchildren. How about counceling together, as well?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 4:03pm
I suggested that. At first she said she'd go just to make sure I get the point that she doesn't want to work things out. Well, that's changed a little. Had my first session, and my whole attitude has changed towards her stepdaughter, for the better. That was one of our biggest problems, stepdaughter and my relationship. I'm getting along great with her now. I suggested my wife come to counseling with me now since things are going better, but she says its hard to just forget the last few years. So I guess I just eep trying to make things work. It's amazing what counseling can do. Look forward to going to it every week. Wish I knew had bad thigs really were years ago, I would have went sooner.