Wondering is driving me crazy....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wondering is driving me crazy....
2
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:09pm

I have posted here and Betrayed Spouses. In the process of divorce. My &^%$#ing husband had an affair sometime last year and produced a child with this girl. Is the affair going on still? Have no idea. Is he with her? Have no idea. The girl is his sister's sis-n-law. Who doesn't have a home just like him and he bounces from one sister's house to another. This girl does too. She is the one that our daughter (4 1/2 yr) calls this girl "Aunt". Ok remember me now?

So we went to the friend of the Court and I hate that place. Hate them!!!! I was the one that brought up this other baby and I questioned if his time with our daughter would interfere with him spending time with this other baby. OUr daughter is very confused still saying that "mom and dad are married". Ok whatever. So I was the one at the friend of the court who said "I don't care if this other kid is around our daughter will have to meet her sometime (oh yeah remember he denied this child all last year saying he didn't have anything to do with this girl being prego and then the day after this kid was born he took our daughter up to the hospital to see her and didn't say anything to me about it!!!) and I don't care if this baby is around but he needs to explain that mom and dad aren';t going to be together anymore blah blah blah and I also said I don't care if this girl is around my daughter either because if they are going to be some kind of family he needs to be getting our daughter used to it." My X2B says "It isn't like that and Elise (our daughter) knows that she and I are family that is it." I said then you are lying to her because you have another baby and if "Aunt" is going to be a part of your life then she will be a part of Elise's. He said "NOpe it isn't like that. It is just me and Elise." I said whatever. Then the Friend of teh Court dude said are you paying child support on this other baby and my X2B says "nope. it isn't like that." Fried of the court says what is it like - that this other baby is living with you? He said "Nope not like that."

Ok so he has had visitation and weekends with my daughter that this other kid can be around and has this other kid been around - NOPE. DAughter says her dad doesn't even talk about the other kid. She even told me that he said "dad said he isn't going to see the other baby anymore." Yes could she get it messed up? Absolutely but somebody had to say something like that. She also said " dad said he isn't going to marry Aunt" I said I didn't know your dad was thinking about marrying her and she said no daddy said no way.
Ok so he was stupid enough to make sure he took our daughter up to the hospital without preparing her for this f*&^%d up situation but now he has the chance and the kid isn't around. Do I want the other kid around not really but I mean you brought it on yoruself so now how much more are you going to mess our daughter up. In our papers we can't have any 3rd parties of the opposite sex around our daughter until the divorce is final. So maybe the other thing that is happening is maybe this other chick "Aunt" is mad at him and keeping the baby from him when he is in town??

So what is my problem....well I will always love my X2B but I am not in love with him now. Our daughter comes first. But I sit here and wonder is he doing the things with this other kid like he did with our daughter? Is he calling her the names that he used to call our daughter? Is he sleeping and holding her like he did with our daughter in the recliner like he used too?

I do NOT HATE this other child. This child is innocent. But he knew what he was doing and so did she. But do I give a damn if he is spending time with other kid - not really I just want our child to come first. I know he doesn't love this other girl. But I know he probably loves this other child (if it is his). And the reason I say that is because I work at the small community hospital lab and I know that the "Aunt" is 0+ and this other baby is A+. I am 0+ and our daughter is O+ and my X2B is O+.

Would it matter if it wasn't his kid? Nope -- he funked it up. But why should I care if he is caring about this other baby like our daughter??? I mean we have 16 years together. He has truly messed up his life but I can't allow him to mess up our daughter's anymore.

Can anyone guide me and tell me what I am feeling is natural or tell me I am a freak of nature......please

FeliciaRG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:25am

Wow oh Wow..... I do think that I'd find a counselor to start working with DD.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 11:04am

>>>He has truly messed up his life but I can't allow him to mess up our daughter's anymore<<<

There is nothing you can do to keep him from influencing your dd's life. He will and that is not necessarily the worst thing (meaning you cannot protect her from everything and her knowing this other baby is out there and he's not seeing the other baby might be better than her finding out about this after she's grown and having a false image of who her father really is only to have it be shattered later). You can drive yourself nuts trying to get him to act a certain way or do certain things (like involve this child in his life or put dd before this other child). You have no control over his choices and his actions. All you can do is put your life in order and let him take care of his own responsibilities (which includes what he choses to say to dd about this other child).

Your dd will be able to figure out as she grows up what the role is of this other child, and she will know if her dad puts her first or not, regardless of whether the other child is around. The best thing you can do for her is answer her questions when she has them and be her one dependable, stable parent. That is a lot. My parents were divorced and my father was a drug abuser and committed suicide when I was 11. My mother was dependable, reliable and stable. She let me talk about my dad whenever I needed to, and always told me whatever feeling I had was okay to have. While I was growing up she always said my dad loved me 'in his own way' which now I understand to mean he didn't love me becuase he couldn't. My mom couldn't change that about my father - she didn't try. She just made me feel safe, helped me figure some of it out and let me figure some of it out for myself. That did more for me than she will ever know.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is begin some individual counseling. I didn't do this until after I was separated and I can't tell you how helpful it has been. Whenever I wonder if I am overthinking or being irrational, I have a qualified, impartial third party to help me see the situation for what it is - and then help me get through it. Doing this has helped me figure out my life and what I want, better ways to deal with my ex, and how to make my next relationship be a healthy and stable one. It's invaluable.

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