He won't move until it's final

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
He won't move until it's final
12
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 7:13pm

OK X2B filed divorce a week before Christmas because we had been drifting apart and I did not want to go to counseling. Anyway, he filed for divorce and said that I could have the house and he'd take the property that we jointly own. The problem is now that he will not move to his own place until we go to mediation and the divorce is finalized. He's sleeping on the couch.

We have kids and it makes it more convient to have us both here but I'm finding it more and more difficult to live any sort of normal life. He'll do laundry but will sort all my clothes out so that I have to run an extra load to do my small amount of clothes. He is resentful of me moving on with my life. I go out after work sometimes and will go out in the evening for a bit after the kids have gone to bed.

He filed for divorce and is now making my life miserable. Do I really have to put up with him living here until it's final???? We have our first meeting tomorrow with the case management people and from there we go to mediation. I just don't want to live another 3 months or more living like a prisoner in my room. He's gotten to the point where he "orders" me to do things. He won't let me use internet after 8:00 so I had to buy a laptop and dial up service up in my room, he tells me I can't go out after work and if I go to the gym I'm a bad mother. I just can't take it any more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 8:40pm
Wow- that wouldnt be easy. & it CANT be good for the kids, seeing him sleeping on the couch & being so petty. Is he still contributing financailly? Maybe insisting on that, if he isnt, would help get him out? I wish i had more advice for you. Good luck. R~ Oh! & he has SOME NERVE being the one who files ... then wont leave! Sheeesh!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 7:10am

Well yes money is a huge issue. He's paying for after school care for our youngest which is $75 a week and I've been handing him bills such as the oil bill and car insurance. I am paying the grocery bill and mortgage and utilities plus student loans that I have. He doesn't have a clue about having to worry and struggle with bills.

Today is the case management meeting and I can't wait to figure out what's going to happen. I think to day will be the deciding factor as to whether or not I'm going to try this without the expense of lawyers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:24am

Yes, this sucks.

(This will be hard to hear. But its the cold hard truth!)

Divorce is about money. Period.

I know kids are involved, and their well being is paramount, but that is an issue to be settled between you and your S2BX. The courts will not help you, nor will they provide any relief. They only settle the money.

Get the money settled.

I went through this myself. In the interest of being gracious, I moved out. My ex then used that against me in court. If your DH has a lawyer, the lawyer probbaly advised him, and rightly so, to stay put until the MONEY issues are settled. And that includes spousal support, temporary orders, child support and property.

So get it settled ASAP. Then he'll leave.

While he's there, he does not have to pay for anything. These are marital expenses and debts.

I realize this is obnoxious, and reckless. But that's the way it is.

The alternative is that he moves out, runs up a lot of debt, deprives you of any support in the process, and drives you into a bad debt position.

So settle the money issues. Figure out what you want. If you can get 50% of what you want, but you can be done settling money issues in days or weeks, do it.

The only folks who do well in divorces are those who earn an income from divorce -- divorce attorneys, the courts, mediators, and enforcement agencies.

So settle quickly. Thats moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 11:58am

If he's already "ordering" you around..... an attorney is a definite MUST.... and just a good, solid idea anyway.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 3:42pm
We went to the case management meeting today and left with very little. He basically told us that someone has to move in order to establish separate lives and a routine for the kids. This is basically what I've been saying all along. We have a mediation set up for March 23 and then the final hearing on the 30th if all goes well. I'll find out tonight about the moving situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:19pm

Hopefully having that 3rd party tell him that it was in his best interest to move (since I believe that you had said that he was planning to be the one to move), will prompt him to go ahead with that move and stop being bullheaded.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:47pm

Sorry you're going through this!
If you can settle amlicably, it will save you alot of money, however, there does come a time when you may need to get an attorney.

I filed a temporary order that gave me exclusive rights to the house and he then HAD to leave and could have been removed involtarily if he didn't. If you find that mediation doesn't work or he is stalling, take care of yourself! If it gets heated, you have that option. You may want to consult with an attorney just to get some answers. I settled most everything with mediation, our parenting agreement and our assets. It's a wonderful way to do it if you have a good mediator. Be strong. The choices you make now and that are in your 'papers' will haunt you or help you, so cover everything, get some advice!

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 10:13pm
Well he mentioned an apartment this morning and said that I would have to drop the kids off at his place on my way to work. I have to leave at 6:15 to make it there on time. He's making it difficult, but I'm going along with it. I asked him about the place tonight and of course he hadn't called about it. I was so angry because yet again he was finding excuses and reasons to hold off. I MADE him call tonight and leave a message. I'm fed up with the BS and every discussion escalating into rage and anger. One way or another things are happening this weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:42am

Hi,


Been there done that, I too was in your situation up until

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:49pm

outofmymind said, " I am paying the grocery bill and mortgage and utilities plus student loans."

He is living there for free, and only helping pay for his kids' needs. So why would he be in a hurry to start paying rent somewhere? You said he doesn't know what it is like to worry about money. Is that because you do it for him? Or because he has money? How is he going to put down first and last on an apartment? It might be awhile before he gets himself together.

So remember, divorce is not a sprint, it's a marathon. The person who "just wants it to be over with" is the one who makes hasty decisions and gives up his/her financial future. Go slow. Stop fighting with him, don't even talk to him unless absolutely necessary. Don't expect him to do ANYTHING for you (like laundry) and then you won't be hurt and disappointed by reality. You need to move your mindset out of marriage-mode (we work as a couple, we pull together) and put it back into single-mode (I take care of me, I cannot expect anyone else to do that). It's a difficult transition, good luck.

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