Stop validating my point to ex
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Stop validating my point to ex
| Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:54am |
I need to stop, I know I do it and I need to stop, but how? Any comments would be appreciated. Heres the deal, I'm divorced. I realized after about 10 years of marriage that my relationship was lacking something. We were like college roomies just having a good time but lacking a deeper, emotional connection. My husband did not support or encourage me emotionally in any way. If I needed anything, wanted anything I was on my own. Favors were nonexistent, a helpful hand was never, encouraging words... not ever. I gave this but I did not receive it in return. His nickname for me was "his little cheerleader" because I was always there with a helping hand, encouraging support words and gestures, etc. Anyway, I brought this to his attention and his response was "you just want me to be some henpecked wimp" or "I'm not going to kiss your a@$". He told me if I ever found a man like that he would be just that, a wimp. Things never changed and we divorced four years ago. I now live with my boyfriend of two years. My "problem" is I am still self validating to myself that a man CAN treat a woman the way I expected my husband to treat me without being a wimp. Example... yesterday my boyfriend said "ok, I'm going to drop off my taxes and then going to Target, I need a new thermos and a day planner". Kiss... "Bye Babe" When he returned, he walked over to me and handed me a dayplanner with the name of his accountant printed on the front. I said," oh, cool, they gave you one?" and I went to hand it back to him and he said "no, I got you one too". (Jan. 6th I went back to college, taking three classes and joined a gym and going to several aerobics classes AM&PM at different times and days, work, son in basketball, daughter in youth group, etc and I made a schedule on a piece of notebook paper b/c of so much new activities and schduling at once)so he thought I might like a day planner. He is tune with me and my life and without asking, just knew I might like or need a dayplanner too. Random acts of kindness from the man in life!!! Yeah!!! I knew it was out there, or he was out there. So, this morning, I'm coming home from dropping the kids off at school and I think to myself, "I'm going to write my things in my new day planner and it pops into my head "See, a man can treat a woman in that way without being a wimp". Why am I STILL validating this point to myself?? Last week my b/f said "I'm so proud of you for going back to school".... those ten words meant the world to me. I enrolled in college at age 35 while still with my husband and he never said a word. What classes are you taking? How was your test? What topic is your speech on. Nothing. I went to college for the last three years of our marriage and after about two years of school one day he said, "what are you going to school for?" I just looked at him and he said "well I know your going for nutrition but what are you going to be when you graduate?" I said "a nutritionalist". Two days ago I was having really bad day..... b/f bought me flowers.... meant the world to me and I always think to myself at some point after these gestures, "See that's all I ever wanted from my husband, yet NEVER got. Does anyone else do this? Any suggestions on how to stop this way of thinking? These thoughts just automatically pop up in my thoughts and I need a "thought pop-up blocker"!! ha ha. Thanks to all who read and any who respond. hbean

first of all - congrats to you! for going back to school and for losing your loser-ex, and for finding the perfect guy!
I will tell you what i think - i may be wrong - but here it is anyway: its *normal* to feel hurt, and possibly unsure about relationships after being in an unhealthy relationship. your were married for 10 years to a man who continuously put you down - and even if he didn't ACTIVELY put you down, he EMOTIONALLY put you down just by not being there for you, not letting you know how important and special you were to him. by saying things like <> he was just reinforcing to you how much he didn't care or listen or understand YOU. and, just for the record, i think that we were married to the same guy!!! so ---
So you have lived with this wonderful man for two years. Lucky you! Just the fact that you WANT to let go of validating yourself could be an indication that you are well on your way to not needing to do that anymore. Each time you do it, I'll bet you spend just a little bit less time actually marveling at the wonder of it, or thinking about how "wrong" the Ex was on this point. It should eventually fade out if you truly trust that YOU were right, and Ex was wrong.
For fun, why don't you change the thought, give it a new spin? Instead of thinking, "See, a man can treat a woman in that way without being a wimp," change it to: "Ex wasn't brave enough to show his tender side, HE was the WIMP." Or, "Ex just made up that wimp line as an excuse, the truth was he didn't care about anyone ut himself." Or, "Thank heavens for Real Men and True Love!!"
Spin your mantra. Aim for ultimate happiness.