Panic Attack.....Please help
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Panic Attack.....Please help
| Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:08pm |
My divorce is final this morning and I am now having a panic attack. I'm wondering if I am doing the right thing. I know now is not the time to worry about it. I'm so confused! Am I just second guessing myself?? Here is my story. Last Novemember I came home from work to find my then husband past out in bed. My daughter holding a little bottle that had pot in it. I am not AT ALL into drugs. I was so upset....A) that he was high and B) that my 3 year old daughter was holding it. He said it was a one time deal and that he promised it would NEVER happen again. In this I trusted. We had been together for 15 years 9 of which we were married. We had a daughter together and I trusted his guilt would stop him from doing this. During this same time we were in the process of looking into adoption as I can't have any more children and we didn't want our daughter growing up a single child. A friend of his sat me down one night and said the only reason he was going through w/this adoption is he was afraid I would kick him out if he said he didn't agree with it. I was so hurt. I knew we couldn't go through with it because we both needed this child not just one of us. I hoped it was something that would pass in time. We were also having money problems. Please understand we were a very normal couple. Both w/good paying jobs and active in our community. I would pay the bills and say we have this amount of money left over and he would spend it and then some. As long as we had checks we had money. In January everything hit me....the stress of the holidays maybe...the pot, the money spending, the adoption. I asked him to leave. My hopes were that he would leave, get out in the real world, and see things at home weren't that bad. He'ld move back after a couple months and we would continue on with our marriage. He left and less then 2 months later he was dating a lady who lived down the street from us. WOW! My world came crashing down. I was sick to my stomache every time I seen them together or just her. She would drive by the house all the time to see if he was there. We ran a business together and he left town one weekend, I had to check the messages on the business cell phone while he was gone. He knew I would be doing this. She left a message saying how much she loved him and how their last night togther really drove her wild. I heard the message and was instant sick to my stomach. After a couple months I think he started seeing that things weren't so bad at home. He came to me begging for forgiveness. Telling me how sorry he was. This is what I wanted right? I told him no. I wanted to go through with the divorce. I could never trust him again. That what he had done and said to that woman while he was still married to me was unforgivable. Now I'm sitting here wondering if that was the right thing to do. Should we have tried to work things out? What if it was real? How do I move on now? I'm scared, confused, all the hurt is back, I'm feeling bad for him, bad for our daughter. Please....if any one is out there that felt this way too...did it all work out? Are you better for it now? Did you find hapiness? Did I do the right thing?

honey - only you know what will work for you - every situation is different. but i must tell you - i don't care WHAT ELSE your husband did or didn't do - but the fact that your husband endagered your little girl ----- for me, that is an absolute deal breaker. doesn't matter if he did it one time or a hundred.
I hope that you won't think of taking any action today. The papers say clearly, in black and white, that you are on your own now. That is very sad, scary, and goes against every effort you made for all those years. You worked so hard to keep it together, and now it is legally ended.
Give yourself time to grieve, just get through one hour at a time. Pamper yourself, get lots of food and rest. Wait. If, in two weeks, you find yourself feeling positive that your Ex is the best man that you know, that you respect him and love him and want to share your life with only him, then you can call him. As long as you both breathe, there is still hope. But only if you want it.
Don't try to think today. Just let the panic roll you along. Don't fight it, float with the tide. But don't call him. Good luck.
You are in the raw part of the process and sometimes, even when someone is 'for sure' they want a divorce, they find their selves questioning. When you have a child, the stakes are higher, it's normal what you are feeling and it does get better!!!!!
I too asked for a separation in hopes that our marriage (15 years) would reconnect on a healthier place. He wouldn't decide if he wanted to stay or not and so, I had to make a choice for my own life. I had a tremendous amount of guilt. We have 4 kids. He was, I found out later, seeing someone out of state. I'm not sure how extensive and nor do I want to.
Your ex has given you some pretty big red signs, however, you are the one that has to make healthy choices for your life and your child. I believe in second chances, but only when the proof is in the pudding! He's as scared as you are and sounds like there may not be some healthy patterns between you. I, personally, can't hurdle the other woman thing. I think people make mistakes, but that one is a dead no go back for me, as is not putting our child first and in danger.
You don't have to make any choices, but I know the panic you are feeling is a sick feeling and you want to get rid of it at all cost. I would recommend getting some counseling for yourself. Get to know who you are. You can always remarry him if it's the right thing to do. You've already made the hard moves to separate, so don't be so quick to return because that's the big hurdle a lot of times.....leaving. The wavering in your mind can be tortuous. Stop thinking long term, take one day at a time....sometimes, one moment at a time. Get OUT of the house. Do something for you. Put some boundaries up. Don't close a door if your gut isn't there yet, but don't allow yourself to be sucked back into a unhealthy relationship either. You could try counseling together to deal with some of the real issues going on.
You are in the most wrenching place. A world where nothing matters and it hurts like hell. It does get better. I'm SOOOO grateful I didn't give in and go back to something unhealthy. My ex wanted to get back together, I later found out, but couldn't say he loved me or that he would work on some of our challenges. My kids need to see something healthy between a man and a woman. I have since remarried a wonderful man. We are expecting our 1st child together. I was horrified to date with my post baby body and 35 years on my fanny, but I'm living proof that the gut wrenching subsides. You take care of yourself. Find out who YOU are, for you and for your child........and everything falls into place where it should be. Things happen for a reason. If a couple things hadn't happened during my separation, I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to stay away. I thank God they did and I am where I am. It's not been all roses and there are hard days, even now, but I wouldn't trade where I am for anything in the world!!! I was worthy of someone that loved me and treated me well..........and I found someone. You never know what's around the corner, so just concentrate on today.....this moment. Grieve. Cry......and let it out. It hurts, it sucks, but it gets better! Learn and grow and find out things about yourself you haven't seen in awhile or never knew. This can be the best thing that happened to your life. Old life patterns and comfort of what was, can be a huge drawing force, but only you can decide if you want something different or want to return to the past. He ripped your guts out........trust isn't easily patched, although it can be, but you are the one that has to determine that. Make a choice from a place of 'knowing'. When you are in such emotional pain, we can make really bad choices. Give yourself some space. Ask for the space. If he's still around as you walk through the process, then he's there. Make sure you're getting back together for the right reasons because the pain you are feeling will lesson and leave with time but a unhealthy relationship that continues.......will still be that way tomorrow and even worse, chances are, in the future.
Breathe. Take a bubble bath. Get a tablet and journal all the feelings, rational and irrational ones. You'll be amazed at how you'll feel getting them out. Get into a support group..........get out of the house. Stay busy. It's a roller coaster and if you know there are highs and lows, it makes it somehow more okay. When you are at the bottom and your heart cant' surely endure......the rollercoaster will start to go up and you will have some reprieve. Hang ON! I swear, it gets better. Life puts wonderful things in front of us to find out who we are. It's an awesome chance at something incredible.........you just don't know it all the way yet!! (smile)
There is sun at the end of the long dark tunnel rather you can see the spec of light or not....really!
THIS IS A DIFFICULT DAY. YOU ARE GRIEVING. GIVE IT SOME TIME. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY. IF YOU DO DECIDE TO TRY AGAIN, MAY I SRONGLY SUGGEST A VISIT W/ A PSYCHIATRIST FOR YOUR X AND THERAPY FOR BOTH OF YOU AND YOUR DD EITHER WAY. IT TRULY SOUNDS AS THOUGH HE MAY HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS FROM WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING. TAKE CARE,
STEH- SORRY ABOUT THE HAT AND THE CAPS. HAVE BROKEN RIGHT HAND IN A CAST