when do you know it's time to seperate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
when do you know it's time to seperate?
12
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:31pm
Hello All:
First time joining board. I have been reading discussions similiar to my own situation. I felt it was time to talk about my situation. Together for 11 years, married for eight years with two kids, 3&8. I have felt I need to seperate frmo my husband for 15 months now. He is not abusivie or any of those things. He is a great father & a great guy. The marraige has felt completely dead to me for at least 5 years. We grew apart. My husband works 60 hours a week, has no desire to socialize with others, and in general, "drones" into the TV alot. He has admitted to depression and that he feels very insecure to change jobs or make any type of change. He misses out on alot that goes on with kids activities, etc. We have had my discussions over the years about my general unhappiness in the marraige. After so many years of trying to talk to him abut it, I have given up. I feel like he has been emotionally void from the relationship for years. He does not want to seperate, needless to say. Infact, he has become so clingy, it is driving me instane and making me feel more guilty about my feelings. Over the years I have developed little crushes on other men, and no, I would not even entertain cheating ever! But I know this just shows how lonely I feel in the relationship. I feel happy and confident in every other part of my life. I have not tried marraige conseling, nor do I want to, to be honest. I would just like us to seperate for abit and get some space to figure out what to do. I can't force my self to feel in love, but I have twp kids to thing about. What should I do? By the way, this board is awesome, hearing your stories, has already helped my immensely!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 1:20pm

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honestly - this is probably what you need to do. I understand you don't want to - but I can tell you from my own experience that counseling is helpful. I am not sure that MARITAL counseling would help at this point - but I WOULD suggest that YOU go on your own. it will be very helpful for YOU to deal with what's going on. I was also married to a depressed man for seven years - and its very very difficult.


the other thing that helped me, before i got divorced, was to make my *own* life. its ESSENTIAL when you are living with a depressed man. I had my job, i exercised, had my own circle of friends, went to movies on my own, etc. even once or twice went on vacatin by myself. no ---- its absolutely not the way to have a marriage! but - it is essential for you to keep YOUR sanity and mental health.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 2:50pm

I agree. There are still some unfinished steps here, and two young kids are worth the effort. They don't chain you permanently in the marriage, but they deserve all your best. Counseling sounds unappetizing, but so does childbirth, LOL. But you did that for them, why not this?

To my mind, if your husband is acting depressed, he should be in individual therapy. If he will not help himself, then you may end up moving out. Have you told him this? Because he really needs and deserves to know. Tell him that you cannot go on, someone has got to get some help.

If he won't go, then you definitely should.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 7:54am
Thanks for the imput. Your right, we should at least try the counceling. I have already in the past read three book on saving marraige, etc. Last year, I also did the book "self matters" by Dr. Phil. I highly recommend this book to anyone going through a hard time. I did this book to make sure that my feelings toward my marraige were not about something broken within myself. I have also already moved on the the point of going on with my own life. I go out with friends without him, I have gone back to school for my degree, happy with my job, kids etc. I quess I didn't want to do counceling, because I have looked at this man for the last probably three years and feel nothing. I love him but I have felt emotionally divorced from him for years. Having been together for 11 years, at least 7 of those years I have felt totally not connected with him. He is a very insecure person and does not show his true self alot of the times. He has admitted this to me many times. This man is almost 40 and still feeling this insecure in life. Back on the counceling, though, even if it can't save this relationship, it may help me to things I have done wrong as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 12:28pm
And it will reduce your chances of having that panic attack when the final papers come in, that feeling of, "Oh no, what have I done?!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 12:48pm

you know what Klib? I also do not believe in counseling, my whole self recoils at the concept. While I do not mind to share my life and my adventures in some setting, going and paying for a guy to tell me his take is something that I cannot go for.

I've been where you are. It took me a long time to take a decision, and eventually, I did. I've been helped by my ex - who decided to have an affair with a baby sitter... :) he thought I would be jealous, instead it gave me the sprint to start a new life, and the new life is much better than the old one.

I am separated now since 3 years. I live with my child, I work, I can take decisions. It took me time to figure out that I could take decisions alone: vacations, travels, house... but I can, and I do. I am still single... but it is not important. Life is just better.

As for counseling, you know yourself better. If you think it can help, go. If you do not believe in it, save the expense, and the pain, and take your own decision.

Good luck to you, whatever you will do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 1:33am

I understand what you are saying about making your own decisions - and of course you are right - because that's also what therapy is, in a way - its about learning to work WITH YOURSELF, trust yourself, move on. just out of curiousity - have you ever TRIED counseling? i was also dead-set against it at one point; in fact, i had gone to therapy of sorts with my son, but i didn't realize at that time that therapists were not GODs, and that there are good therapists and bad ones (we got a bad, or should i say *indifferent*, one). Later on, we did manage to find a WONDERFUl therapist. at NO POINT did she give us "her take" on the situation - quite the contrary - she made US do the work. she was there to *encourage* us along the right path, should we want to take it - and the fact is that *I* did decide to take the path, my DS decided to take it up to a certain point, and ex-H decided that "he doesn't need therapy cause there is nothing wrong with him and all therapists are quacks anyway". so bottom line is, that 2 years later - I have moved on, lost some weight, gone back to school, got promoted, made friends, etc. DS - who previously was so depressed and anxious that he couldn't go to school because he was having panic attacks - is now in his last year of HS, excelling in his school work, held down a physically-challenging summer job for the entire summer vacation and is now in the process of looking for an after-school/weekends job. and DH? same old loser person that he has been for his entire life.


I think its important to understand what therapy does and doesn't do. its not a magic wand, and therapists are not GODs or fairy godmothers. its also not like taking antibiotics - if YOU don't do the work then the work doesn't get done.


so - is it worth the money and effort? i think that if you can find a GOOD therapist - it is. just like you would go to a good doctor if you were sick, or get new eyeglasses if you couldn't see with your old ones. you woldn't be thinking - oh, i'll just manage with these old eyeglasses even tho i can't see. you would GET HELP. and that's what therapy is all about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 6:15am

You have a wonderful way to say it. I would go - I would have gone to a doctor if I felt sick...

As it went in my life, and with all the sadness implied in a separation, I never felt "sick" (I don't mean it in a medical way, I mean that my path always appeared as evident to me). It is clear that I had the incredibly helpful support of some friends, who listened to me throught the wee hours of the night - and I believe THAT was my therapy.
While separating is hard, and of course one need to review the options, I also believe very strongly that my first responsability is toward myself - and toward my daughter integrity. In my opinion, that integrity was and is best preserved by separating and staying apart. I didn't what any counseling weakening that perspective and that point of view, because no couseler lives my life nor will live with the consequences.

Thank you for asking the questions. It always helps to put in words the answers - even if they are only partial and imperfect. :) and congratulation on your successful divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 6:27am

OH my God... reading your story is like reading my story! Only my husband is addicted to computer games..not TV. And my guy is depressed, he started therapy 3 weeks ago and missing out on the kids activities.
And I know exactly what you mean regarding "little crushes" on other guys. I agree 100%! You are so lonely that it feels good to have the attention of another guy! My thing is that I am very tempted to act on one of those crushes... so it was time to let go of my marriage.

I am not staying with my husband for the sake of my DS.... I am doing the opposite. My DS needs a happy mommy, not a miserable one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 7:51am

<<>>


GREAT!!! TOTALLY AGREE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 11:42am

Those "little crushes" are wake-up calls that you are short selling yourself... and that you deserve more.


And I totally agree...... happy moms rule!.... married or divorced!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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