Medical appointments w/ Ex & kids
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| Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:38pm |
Can anyone tell me how they handle medical appointments with their ex's?
My ex hasn't come to medical appt with the kids (including surgery)in 12 years. I'm CP, I've always told him when we were going to the doctor and have always done that without his interference (I say interference because he is such a jerk when we are together, everythign is a fight). He wants to go back to court to get more time and now, all of the sudden, he's doing things he's never done. I think to make himself look good for court, but that's my opinion. He was at the doctors when I got there. He knew it would catch me by surprise (I didn't tell him when I was going, just that we were going), we still have a lot of hostility between us. I don't mind him knowing or even participating in medical things, but we don't get along, so it's hard. He proceeded to question my reason for being at the Dr.'s and told the doctor that our son wasn't having any challenges at all. The Dr. cofirmed there was a challenge and he may need surgery if the medication she gave him doesn't work. We went to the front desk and he demanded the receptionist call and inform him of any appointments I make. She was caught off guard, I was embarressed, he can be such an **s. Anyway, I was fine and composed until I left. I seem to fall apart AFTER our lovely interactions.
Does other people go to medical appointments together? He won't ever tell me when he has appt's with the kids. I know I can get the information or talk to the Dr., but really, I never thought to show up and surprise him just to be a snot. We aren't exactly co-parents on much of anything.
when it's one parents custodial time, does anyone even know if you can legally go to an appointment?
How do people handle step spouses at medical appointments. I think his new wife will come to the surgery and I'm really NOT okay with that. Any thoughts?

That is hard. I would imagine legally the other parent can come to the appointment, but you should document that your ex's behavior (not your interpretation or assessment, just the facts). You should also document that he does not inform you when he goes, and insist on that when you go to court.
I know it's hard, but you shouldn't be embarrassed about his behavior, he was embarrassing himself.
My ex doesn't come to appts with me, but we are in agreement on most things and I do always let him know when I'm taking her and call him immediately after to tell him what the doctor said. Her appts are just normal stuff so it doesn't make sense for us both to take off work. He has only once taken her to the doctors by himself, but it's more because I want to be the one to do it than he's trying to escape the obligation.
As far as the step-mom being there at the surgery... does your child have a close relationship with her? It seems she would be there in support of the child or her husband, not to aggravate you, so I would be okay with that personally.
Step mom sees the kids every other weekend and the kids like her, but she's also caused a lot of conflict and has been really difficult. I want the time to be with my child and my children aren't her children. She has two kids. I know that might open up a can of worms, but my husband, who's with the kids 80% of the time and whom they are very close with, stands back in certain areas because my ex doesn't want him there. He's okay with his wife being there, but not my husband. It's one of those classic, need to grow up stories. ;) She doesn't play much of a role in their life and all you step mother's out there, I do know there are many that do. I've observed it in my own family and can appreciate the step mother role, but for me and my situation, I think it's inappropriate and adds to the fuel that is already there. She does things to aggrivate and steps in and takes over. My ex is much more passive, she's got an aggressive personality and so we knock heads. My ex doesn't take much inititive of his own will, so it's really frustrating when there's a step parent behind the scense calling and stirring things up.
To me, she's irrelavant. She's someone in my childrens lives and I don't disrespect her role to them, but she's not their mother.
If I offend anyone, I do apalogize, that's not my intent. This is just the way it's been for us.
Thanks for your input! You sound like you've got a 'grown up' relationship with your ex, I envy that! It doesn't have to be so hard.......at least I didnt' think it did!
We don't have step-parents yet, we haven't been divorced that long. But I did recently read a book called, "Ex-etiquette" that talked a lot about step parenting roles. If the step-mother has been supportive to the children and her being there would not upset the child having surgery (and would be seen by the child as a good thing), I would let her come and not make it an issue (basically be the bigger person, which it sounds like you probably have a lot of experience in). Of course, if your ex insists that your husband not be present, it makes no sense that he would bring his wife. But with something like surgery, I'd say having all 4 of your parents/step-parents there would be a supportive thing for the child.
If you haven't read that book, I highly recommend it. It's written by a mom and step-mom that started out hating each other, and over time learned how they "added fuel to each other's fire" without realizing it, and how they (the dad, step-mom and mom) managed to effectively co-parent over time. It goes through lots of different situations and what kinds of actions/boundaries are appropriate or inappropriate. If you like it, you could give it as a Christmas gift to the step-mom :)
The book is linked in my profile under "more about me"
Thanks for that.
My current husband and my ex got into a, almost physical fight when my ex hit me on my front porch in the face, so they have some 'hostilities' there. My hubby started out defending my ex because he's been in his shoes, but it's turned out very differently.
My Ex new wife has caused her own set of challenges. I was amazed at how much her input disrupted what civil relationship there was. My ex allows her to call the shots and make the decisions, so it's very frustrating. I actually bought the book, Step Wives and gave it to his new wife a few months ago. I will order the book you mentioned. I've looked everywhere for a book on dealing with a 'new significant other'. It comes with strong emotions that have really taken be by surprise. I guess I was a bit in fantansy land thinking we'd all get along, especially for the kids sake. Maybe over time. It's only been less than 3 years. Ex new wife and I have made some progress, so it's not been all bad, but there's still some boundaries I want to maintain. She's got a very strong, mull you over personaltiy. My ex won't even leave a message with my husband regarding anything. It's a waste of time. Makes for longer healing for everyone. I've never understood the payoff, but I've also learned I can't change him either. We just deal with what's thrown. Makes for some hard days, but we're getting better at blowing some of both of their behaviors off, sometimes it's VERY hard though.
Thanks for posting!