Need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Need support
3
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 3:49pm

Okay - I'm here just reaching out trying to find others who can lift me up during this tough time. Here is my story:

I met my husband 8 years ago and after a whirlwind romance (3 months) we were married. From the very beginning, it was a roller coaster ride. I had been a single mom for 8 years and was accustomed to taking care of myself and my kids. He came in and tried to change everything I had done in my life. He didn't like the traditions I had set in my house, didn't like the discipline methods I used, didn't like the way we ate... nothing. The fights we had were horrible and from the very beginning he was very verbally abusive to me. My son, having been the man in my life for so long was not having it and he and my husband butted heads very often.

We had only been married for 4 months the first time I found a woman's phone number. I called and she assured me that nothing had happened - she didn't know he was married. That ended only to be followed by more and more. Each time it was the same thing "I'm just playing around - nothing has happened. I like the attention I get." About this same time, the pornography demon reared its ugly head and our sex life went to pot. We went from having a very active sex life to barely having one at all. I would try to initiate sex and he would tell me to leave him alone, or tell me I wasn't normal because I liked sex too much... all of this caused some major fights and we split up for a short time because of all of this. Then we got back together and the same things began to happen again. It got so bad that just after our 4 year anniversary, we split for good. I even divorced him. Shortly after that, we began talking again and he showed me the side of him I fell in love with. Needless to say we got back together and were remarried after a year and a half of living together. That was 2 years ago.

When we got remarried I made it clear that I would not tolerate the porn in my house. He swore to me that it wasn't an issue and that he loved me enough to give it up. Well within 6 months, it was happening again and has consistently happened. He's tried to blame it on my now teenaged son - but I have proof of who is doing it... anyway... through out this entire marriage I've endured verbal abuse as have my kids and I am now tired. We had a fight last week and I told him I wanted him out. He is now making plans to move soon and although I'm ready for it, I am also very sad. I feel like I have thrown away the past 8 years of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: darlingdeb65
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 3:01pm

I can totally relate to the roller coaster that you have been on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: darlingdeb65
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 2:22am

honey - you didn't throw away anything. you tried to make your marriage work - and it didn't. the important thing is to LEARN and GROW from this experience - not to sit back and let the guilt and anger take over.


I can tell you stories about my ex that will make your hair stand on end - i lived with my second husband for about seven years - he was controlling and emotionally abusive to me and my son - he had major sexual problems, depression, you name it. i also tried and tried and tried to make it work - i felt so GUILTY about failing AGAIN, that i just kept on going. instead of doing what i should have done - and gotten divorced after one month. but you know - i tried. i must tell you that my son (now 18) really really suffered - i didn't even realized how difficult it had been for HIM - he was depressed and suffered anxiety attacks daily, couldn't go to school, was suicidal. my ex's reactions was "he just wants attention" or "he says jump and you ask how high". this is my SON - and at that point i finally BELIEVED what i had known all along - that my EX was the one with the problmes and i just had to get my son away from him (and me away from him!).


a while ago i was talking to my son, and i said that while i am not sorry that i met and married his father when i was 21, because that was a huge love story, and I did get a wonderful child out of that marriage - I AM sorry that I ever met and married my second husband. and my son said to me "mom, if you hadn't gone thru what you went thru with EX, you wouldn't have gotten to where you are today". how profound - and how true. i am a new person - or should i say, i was finally able to let my "real" self emerge from inside me.


so honey - all this is just to tell you that you can do whatever you need to do. you KNOW the truth - your husband has an addiction to porn - he cheated on you - he is abusive to you and your children. if you are still feeling guilty - then i would suggest seeing a therapist (on your own). it was helpful to me. its ok to be sad - but do't let that stop you from doing what you need to do.


you - and your children - don't deserve this. there is no reason to be living on a roller coaster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
In reply to: darlingdeb65
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 8:44am

Thanks so much for your support and your words... you are right I know what is right and I think I will feel relieved once the divorce is final but its just going through it that hurts so much. I too feel like I've failed AGAIN... and I look back at the past 8 years and what my kids have been through but your words give me hope... these past 8 years have helped me define who I am and also gave my kids a chance to find themselves... you find your strength during times of trouble...and I think we've all learned some lessons here.

It will be a hard road ahead over the next few weeks/months so please keep me in your prayers... I know that with God I can do anything and that is all that matters.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement.
Deb