Any unemployed single mom's whose ex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Any unemployed single mom's whose ex...
7
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:07pm

threatening to take your kids from you because you don't have a job and they refuse to pay child support and maintenance as the court ordered? My STBX has filed for soul custody because he says I'm unfit because I'm not working.

OK, we agreed last august that I would quit working for a year until our dd is in 1st grade (and she gets sick and has asthma all the time). He said that he couldn't take the time off from work to take care of her, and didn't want her in a day care, so it was up to me. I quit a good paying part time job that would have supported us just fine (not to mention the great insurance I had), after he left. This happened on August 6, '04 and he was removed from the house Sept. 20 for domestic abuse.

Now he believes that because I am having difficulty finding a job, I am unable to care for our dd. I get help from the state, and if he would pay up, I would be OK until I did find a job. It is hard to find a job at this time of year...everybody is downsizing because of the slow time of year. The job market will pick up usually around March here so am really hopeful that I will be employed by then...here's to keeping my fingers crossed.

Can he take her away from me for this reason? I would be devastated if this happened as I have been the sole caretaker of her since we found out I was pregnant...he did not even attend one dr's. appt. with me because he said they bored him. Also, all the times she has been hospitalized for RSV, Asthma attacks, he has never spent the night in the hospital with her...he has never missed one day of work when she was sick at home...I had to call off work everytime something happened with any of the kids...not him! He has always said that I am the mother and it is my responsibility. OK, so what has changed now?

Also, the process server can't serve him the contempt of court papers because he won't answer the door and no one seems to know where he is working. What a loser...he can't even face the judge to clear his "good" name...LOL.

Need some input please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:36pm

I highly doubt he has any chance of gaining sole custody. He would have to prove you are unfit and a harm to the children.

Just to be safe, you should be documenting everything. Everytime something happens and he's not there, or you do something like take them to the doctor... document the date, what happpened (just the facts, no judgements) and the outcome... like 2/5/05, saw doctor for x reason, prescribed x medicine for 2 weeks, informed her father but he could not attend the doctor's visit due to a meeting at work.

Have you filed to have his wages garnished for the child support? He shouldn't have to be served for that, the state should handle it (I think).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 11:44am

Oh my yes...I have already filed for wage garnishment through the CSEA here. The trouble they are having is that they can't seem to find where he is working. The place he said he was working when he filed his financial affidavit, says he isn't working there anymore. He has been known to use different SS#'s in the past so that may be what he is doing again.

That is not the only reason he is in contempt though. In my past posts, I described the court order stating that we must each sell a vehicle that was in our possession and turn the money over to our attorneys who was to put it in their trust accounts. I did sell the vehicle I had and turned the check over to my attorney. He has sold the one he had, but kept the money and spent it.

We were both ordered to do hair follicle tests (2 each) which I have done and he has not. He accused me of doing drugs (both tests came up negative) yet he refuses to do the tests himself. Could it be because he will test positive?

He was ordered to produce all financial documents, including cancelled checks, credit card receipts and any cash receipts that he has spent money on...again, he has not done this either. All this was ordered on November 12.

Somehow he got wind that he was going to be served with these papers, so he is now extinct from society. I remember a poster here who said that her husband ran for 3 weeks to avoid being served divorce papers. Another red flag that these guys blame everybody else for their own actions.

I have zero tolerance for men/women like this...abuse is abuse, regardless if it happened within the marriage or after. No matter what, they should stand up and face the problems that they caused and deal with it...My patience with my STBX is wearing very thin, can you tell?

I still don't believe that he will get anything other than visitation. I am asking that is be every other weekend, and a friday night on the off weeks. He has our dd every wednesday night and every weekend. I'd like to have a weekend once in awhile too and these wednesday nights are too confusing for her...but again, he gets what he wants, when he wants it, regardless of who it hurts!! Disgusting!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 6:24pm

He's HARDLY proving that he's a "fit" father by refusing to pay support and maintenance.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 8:40pm

Thank you wild!!! That is exactly what I was thinking and somehow he still believes that the judge will side with him...I feel soooo much better knowing that everything I do will not be in vain! I'm even in a parenting class that lasts 12 weeks (its not even required), but I feel that with all the emotion and stress of everything, that I may be guilty of taking my emotions out on my kids...my patience is definitely stretched to the limit and they are suffering...I will try to be better!

I can't believe that he's running though...A grown man (he's 48yo) would take care of his kids no matter how pissed off at me he is, but he appears to be an irresponsible little boy inside a grown man's body! But you know what? This is what my whole marriage has been about. He was and always will be #1 and has never thought of anyone else's feelings, opinions, thoughts or needs...Sound familiar?

Oh well...he'll get his in the end, I'm sure of it!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 10:35pm
Yes, he will get his... and good for you for taking that class!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:32am

I was unemployed at the time of my divorce, had been for 10 years. a LOT of women have to restablish a career, go back to school, etc when they are divorced. That may prove a point if he weren't being such a twink and even then, probabaly not.

Push for the drug test. He can be court ordered to do the drug test at court, if necessary. Have your attorney fight for that, sounds like he's running.

Do you have a friend that could follow him and find out where he's working? I'm sure you don't have the money for a PI, though that would be helpful. Child support isn't going to hunt him down, you'll have to do some leg work, but don't do it yourself, have someone you know or a PI so you arne't portrayed as a stocker. ;)

I was on state assistance for a few months. My attorney said that shouldn't matter. Not that I could have done a lot about it at the time. My ex wasn't paying anything until the court ordered the temporary orders. Judges frown heavily on not paying support, they see what it does and how it affects the kids, he'll get reamed on that one! My brother got reamed in court for being 3 days late one month after having a flawless payment (voluntary) history.

You could also, though it's not the best option, have a processer at an exchange when he picks up the kids. I'd only do that as a last resort and have your child in the house or somewhere away from the scene.

Did your temporary orders say he gets her every weekend or are you giving him that? You may have to fight to get her every other now. They don't like to take time away once it's established. Document EVERYTHING!!!!! It's not fair for any parent to have every weekend. That leaves one parent doing all the work, the other doing all the playing. Once you are working, you will have good grounds to have a weekend yourself. You should get down time with your child, like he does. That's 'fair'.

Have you thought about doing a custody evaluation. He sounds like he'd have a challenge coming through that very positively.

My ex had 17 counts of contmept and the judge was totally complacent about them. I was shocked.........so was my attorney. Document, document, record, record, and document some more. Hopefully you have a good attorney.

Sorry you're going through this, it is so incredibly madening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:10pm

Countrygal mom - It is maddening that I (most of all, my dd) has to face these financial hardships all the time...she can't understand why mommy can't go out and buy her whatever she wants(something her dad does all the time)...whats that called? The temporary orders were put into place on Nov. 12, 04 which were retroactive back to October 1. He knows what he's supposed to pay but has vowed he will never give me a dime!

I am pushing for the drug tests, although he won't do them...he used to be a heavy heroin and cocaine user years ago (with wife #1). She was here all summer living with his oldest daughter and SIL. That is when he started acting funny...leaving earlier than usual to go to work, only to find out he wasn't going to work until later, and then coming home later, only to find out he left work early and was over there with her! Did I become suspicious? You bet! I caught him with her doing things and giving her horrendous amounts of money...the missing money finally made sense. I hit the roof that night and that was the end of my marriage...looking back, I was devastated!! Now I am just plain angry and will do whatever it takes to prove he is not a good influence for any of the kids!

As far as having the processer at an exchange...that was the plan, but it blew up in my face...he didn't come. He sent his 18 yo daughter to pick her up...what does he think will happen? Eventually he will get served and have to face the courts. He should realize that the longer it takes, the more pissed off the judge is going to be.

Yes, the temp orders gave him every weekend (understand that before all of this, he worked 7 days a week, 12 hour days). He quit his job and got a more reasonable job that provided him with only 40 hours a week. He did this right before our first court appearance, so he appeared to be the loving dad (he never gave our dd much attention) and still doesn't to this day. When she goes with him, she calls me at least 20 times. Most of the time she wants to come home because "daddy won't play" with her.

At 1 of our court appearances, he requested a Guardian at litem for our dd. I have been to my initial meeting with the GAL and my STBX has yet to pay his half or to call him. I guess this won't look too good for him in court either!!

I know it sounds like I want to keep her from her dad...I assure you that is not the case...I just want him to know what it felt like to be threatened with the loss of dd. He was always telling me that he was going to leave me and take Sierra with him! Using the one thing he knew would make me crazy!!! What an A$$!!

I am doing all the documenting that I can, but as far as Colorado is concerned this is a no fault state which may or may not work in my favor...I am doing everything I can to get back on my feet and be the best mom I can be...It's just hard with companies laying off workers because of the slow time of year. I haven't given up hope and I will keep trying!

Thank you so much for your input! Bless you!

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