Dealing with new partners

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Dealing with new partners
3
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:11pm

Here is the story - we were never married but together almost 4 years. DS is almost 2. Ex and I broke up in November. DS has always been with me. Ex travelled alot and for about 40% of DS life did not live with us because of professional commitments. I suspected and had it confirmed that he is now dating his roommate/landlord and probably started before we broke up. Ex lives in a different state than me and visits DS regularly. He has been staying in my house but that will end this weekend. He wants to bring son to his home to visit with new girlfriend and her two dogs. We have no formal custody agreement because he doesn't want to pay anything and is now on a new kick of wanting joint physical custody. I am working with lawyer while waiting for ex to come up with a mediator.

I am really uncomfortable with DS going to ex home with new girlfriend and dogs. Although DS is a bright and happy little guy, I think DS will be freaked out by seeing his Daddy with someone else. Does anybody have any information about how and when to introduce new partners to toddlers? My inclination is to wait a really long time until everyone is sure that new partner will be around for a long time and more importantly, that DS is ok with his new world where Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore. I really need any information available, particularly information that is from a well-respected researcher in child development (whole other story but ex thinks he knows everything about child development so some peer reviewed research will be very helpful.)

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:31pm

It's a good idea to wait until the relationship is committed, or at a minimum to just introduce the person as a friend and not be affectionate in front of the child. A book I recently read "Ex-etiquette" has some information on this (see my profile for author name). But the bottom line is it's going to be the father's choice how to handle this. If he's a reasonable guy and wants to co-parent (something necessary with joint custody and beneficial for any type of custody) hopefully he listens to your point of view and discusses his with you, but still it's going to be up to him on what to say to your ds and how to act when he's there. If it were me, I'd insist on at least knowing some information about the other woman and talk about how much to let ds know to nicely get my opinions across - and offer to agree to the same limitations (like you'll be sure to give him a heads up if you meet someone and they will be involved in ds's life).

My dd is 4 1/2 and her father and I have been apart for a year 1/2. She knows we aren't married anymore but she's still sad about us not living together. We also have 50/50 physical custody (but we live close by each other too - and although I always recommend joint custody because I think it's good for the children to have both parents involved in their lives, if your ex lives out of state give some thought to if the situation will work once your ds starts school, and have that be considered in the agreement - you probably don't want to be back in court in 3 years fighting over which state ds will start kindergarden in)...

Anyway, my dd knows my bf and see's him once or twice a week when she's with me (she's with her dad every other week) and it's been that way for a couple months (we dated 10 months before they met, but dd doesn't know that). My bf sleeps over but she thinks he sleeps in my room by himself and she has no concept we are dating or even what dating is (she knows she can't get a little sister unless I remarry, but has no idea bf is a candidate for that). She thinks my bf is her friend and comes just to visit her. A few weeks ago we were driving to another friends house for dd to play with my friend's 5 year old dd, and my dd says, "I want A to sleep over sometime" and I said, "Maybe we can do that soon" and dd said, "It's NO FAIR! The only person I ever get to have sleep over is J! " Until then it really didn't hit me that she thought he was her friend. I guess it makes sense. He talks to her about serious stuff, like her plans to grow up and be a princess and live in a castle, and he plays games with her, like board games, card games, etc.

My ex had a bit of a hard time accepting my bf meeting my dd, and initially tried to set some limits on my relationship, but he also knows he has a solid place in dd's life as the only dad, and he's okay with it now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 1:56am
i agree with you - we have to be careful because our CHILDREN are not the ones who are dating! however, I don't know if LEGALLY you can stop your son's father from doing what he wants when he has the child over. i dn't know - this is somethign you would have to ask a lawyer. it would be nice if your ex would cooperated with you - if the two of you were on the same page - but I guess that's too much to ask...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:19pm

I am in a similar situation b/c my STBX started an affair which I discovered very quickly and we decided to end the marriage.

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