Im embarassed to admit that packing him
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| Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:18pm |
up made me sad. M's brother is coming tomorrow to get stuff, at my request. I packed up what i thought he would want/need. 3 storage tubs worth. I was ok thru the clothes, but when i took his electric toothbrush off the sink ... it just looked so empty. I sobbed. Then i went into the spare bedroom so Ave would'nt hear me, & i ran right into my Moms aphghan, (i dont go in there often) & all i could smell was her, her house ... How can so many things change for one person in 1 year????
It was so hard not to think along the lines of wanting to take care of him ... STILL! Its not at ALL that i am changing my mind, but its so hard to turn off that mode of wanting to help him. Today i was thinking i would LIKE to, but WONT, call this guy who was his old teacher - who really likes him - who is a big BIG AA sponsor ... who has offered M help b4 - which of course M turned down. I also felt like i wanted to call his best freind, who i know he hasnt called, b/c i think he woudl be good support to him ... but ITS NOT MY PLACE. *I* dont know whats best for him anymore than he does. I wont do any of those things, but i piss myself off that they even cross my mind. I guess its hard for ME to change overnite as well.
& its SO hard thinking how he must be feeling w/o dd - so i just DONT think about it. I had a tough moment w/ her today, she still doesnt know, thinks he is at work (i will tell her after her bday, which is Tues, so i have to do it by Wed). But she was talking about people who scream & cry (we saw a kid having a tantrum) & she said SHE wouldnt do that anymore b/c she's 5 now. I said "Sometimes even adults scream & cry, SOMEtimes it ok if youre upset" & she said "Yeah, like you do at Daddy, right? But you guys arent suppossed to do that in front of me ... Im just a little kid, right? & it makes my belly hurt & shake when you do b/c Im afraid you guys will break up & that would be so so sad, right? B/c you love each other, right? & i would miss my Daddy SO SO SO SO much if he had to go away" .... Really, she said this, TODAY. On the way to her bday party. Not that she hasnt said that stuff b4, but it hits the mark now, thats for sure. I just responded that "yes, it IS sad when people break up, but when they do, its for the best, & things are calmer & there is no more fighting & they still love their kids so much & they see the kids & then the kids have 2 homes ... etc" ... & then she changed the subject.
Then i dont know if its bad to have done, but I put a couple pics of Ave in his stuff. I dont want it to seem as if i am teasing him or something, but he doesnt carry pics in his wallet, & i would think he would want a photo or 2. & then Averey said "Daddy will miss my bday cake!" & was very upset about that. I told her "Uncle Eddie will see him later, so I will send a peice of cake for him". Is that NUTZ???? That he gets a peice of the bday cake he missed b/c he is restrained from us??? Its such a small stupid thing, but i feel so guilty that i feel like i am being too nice even sending it ... i dont want to punish him - i just want to get away from him & i want him to get NORMAL so he can be a father to Ave. & I sent a book he had bought, although he never reads ... thinking "Maybe this will give him something to do, keep him occupied" .... STUPID, i know.
But on the other hand, i think of how MEAN he was sometimes on a daily basis, how degrading to me he was, how nothing i did was good enough, fast enough, smart enough ... how he picked at everything i did ... how he took full advantage of me, emotionally, financially (his W2 for this year was in the mail, 12K ... really. & then he woudl have the NERVE ot call me a selfish *itch b/c i woudlnt let him get a boat).
I ***AM*** sad , but i am SO done.
R~


so how did things go? don't be embarrassed for feeling this way - it IS sad, no matter what the circumstances are, you are sad because your dream is gone and its sad, and it hurts.
concentrate on YOU and concentrate on your precious child. I don't know if you have tried going to al-anon meetings but it may be helpful for you.
good luck and keep us updated!
HI- i got it all done. I actually just got a "Message from him" via his Dad ... which IS against the RO, "no 3rd party intervention" - & i told his Dad that ... "Please tell her i learned my lesson, Im so sorry & i love her". Again, too little, too late. AND ... although i most certainly never went this far b4 (made him leave for 3 days once, & i left for a few days once), i have always heard the same thing in the past. I have 3 large tubs packed & all his coats. I think that when he sees all that he will have more of an idea this ISNT temporary. & the more i think about it, maybe i should file for Divorce ASAP, instead of my idea to wait a couple weeks ... thinking it would be less traumatic for him if he was out on his own a couple weeks & could SEE he can make it on his own & had the services & support in place. Plus, i think that if his getting divorce papers closer to court on Feb 24th, then he would be more likely to be flipping out & then my dd couldnt see him. (she literally opened her eyes this Am & said "Where's my Dadda?" ... that appt w/ the childrens cousnelor cant come soon enough! I *have* to tell her soon). Plus ... & most importantly, im afriad the more time goes on, the sorrier i may feel for him - & if i am already filed for divorce, all the major stuff will be DONE, & no turning back. NOT that i can EVER see myself turning back, i cant. But still, i may as well get this all over with & the trauma all done at once - rather than dragging it all out.
Thanks for your input. R~
i think that as long as YOU are sure about this and YOU understand that this is NOT just another one of your threats, rather YOU know that THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT - then by all means, just do it. not out of spite, or anger - do it after consulting with a lawyer, counselor, etc - but yes, this way it will be dealing with the *new situation* all at once instead of bit by bit.
BTW - next time ANYONE Tries to give you messages from him ------ DON'T ACCEPT THEM. doesn't matter if its his dad or the pope - simply say, before they have a chance to say anything, when FIL starts to say "slimeball asked me to tell you" just loudly and quickly say " this is a violation of RO...."
ROFL ... Slimeball ... they are thinking that i am sure.
& now i just got the "I wouldnt be a good BIL if i didnt say this" speech... (whne he came to get Mike's things) He said that in NO way woudl he try to talk me out of filing for D, & in fact, he thinks it will be a "good thing" b/c it would really show Mike that this is serious (Uh, as IF the RO isnt???) He said that Mike is really realizing all he had, he supposseldy said "I have NOTHING. No where to live, no job, no money" & BIL said to him "Yea Mike, this is IT. This is as low as it gets ... " BIL says "He realizes it is all him, that he has a lot of work & changes to make. *I*, not he, am asking you to just keep an open mind that maybe a year or so down the road, if he does all he needs to do ... that maybe there would be a chance? You are in the drivers seat. You can make the requests for what you need in order for him to maybe have some chance of getting back here - AA, anger mangt, meds, therapy ... you guys have so much, such a chance at a great life, if there is any miniscule chance ... please think about it".
I told BIL that i am not in love w/ him anymore - that i am done telling him what he needs to do to get healthy, that he needs to figure that out for himself - that no, i dont know exactly what i will feel like 4 months down the road (side note: I am actually pretty sure i will be feeling mighty FINE, lol) & in the meantime, i am filing for D, & he has ONE thing to think about - getting himself together for his CHILD. If not himself.
Aye aye aye - this sure does S*CK. Thanks! R~