Everyone and their opinions! Long..sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Everyone and their opinions! Long..sorry
5
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 6:13am

Hi everyone,
My name is Amy and I am frequent lurker on these boards. Time for me to vent about my divorce....

I have been married for 8+ years, together for 12. Living together since I was 19. My X2B is a great guy, he really is. He is nice and caring, but has a lot of emotional scars from his childhood and is an extreme introvert. Now I'm an extrovert, I am outgoing and love to have fun. We have a 2.5 year old boy and this past Christmas I found myself going on family visits and Christmas parties alone with DS because the X2B is painfully shy and cannot deal with social situations at all. So I basically feel like a single mom.... X2B has not been to see Santa with DS, hasn't even taken him for a walk, never got up once during the night with DS.. the laundry list goes on. So I finally had enough of this non-loving, non-family relationship and I filed for divorce in January. Now I am buying out his 1/2 of the house.. which in the Boston area is a lot of money, and he purchased a condo, he should be out by the end of the month. We are working this out very amicably for the sake of DS. I can't believe how quick this is happening. The X2B had to sign off on the quickclaim deed yesterday and he just lost it, he doesn't own his home anymore. I have been the breadwinner for 99% of our relationship and I am the one that took care of everything, property buying, car buying, everything! The sad thing is that I had no emotion about the signing yesterday.. I put up emotional walls and it didn't bother me. I just don't love him anymore... and I want to get on with my life. I have grown away from him and there really is no spark anymore.

My family, friends an co-workers have been brutal! Everyone has a darn opinion on what I'm doing and how could I do this to my son. This is not 1950! I am not staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of DS. I am doing the complete opposite. I cannot stay in a relationship where my man kisses me like I'm his sister, never holds me at night, is emotionally distant and doesn't want to do things as a family. I just can't make them understand, and you know what? I really don't care what they think! Finally.. I am detaching myself from all the bullcrap and it feels great!

In the meantime I have a guy friend who is divorced and he has been a great shoulder to cry on... and wouldn't you know.... MORE OPINIONS.... and people judging me.. I can't stand it. Am I gonna hook up with this guy at some point?? Absolutely.. but at my pace and my doing.

I really dislike people who like seeing other people hurting or going thru bad things in their life, so it makes their life look like peaches and cream. My family is p'od at me because it makes them look at their relationships and if "little sister" can file for divorce.. then anything can happen!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 7:58am

Oh my we are living the same life! I too have an extreme introvert STBX, who is addicted to video games and is unable to function normally in society. I have had the same experiences with going to family and social functions without him and when he did go, he would usually drink to much and upset me. I've been living with him since I was 18 - I'm 35 now and ready to get on with my life. He lost his job 20+ months ago and told me he "can't" get another job. He's back in school and is starting to say he doesn't think he can get a job with his new education. I'm supporting our family as well. However, I am blessed with friends and family that are very supportive. They all think I'm a saint to have put up with this crap for 17 years, but honestly I loved him and I'm just very stubborn. I too felt very little emotion when he cried and told me he was losing everything. I felt a little heartless, but I know that he has helped me get to this place. I haven't even cried about the divorce yet and I decided to do it a month ago. Hang in there, you are doing what is best not only for you, but for your son. You won't be modeling a bad marriage for him. I hope to see you around here more often!

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 8:03am

amy - hi and welcome. sorry you are going thru this but i am glad you found us.


I think that many of us have gone thru similar stuff with friends and family. and i have two things to say:


first of all, i think think that only YOU knows what really went on in the marriage. and so, YOU are the one who has the right to decide when "enuf is enuf". its very possible that you didn't share everything with people, so that this may be coming as a shock. but that is not your problem- it is THEIRs.


OTOH - and please don't take offence - but your friends and family would (I presume) have ONLY your best interests at heart, and its possible that there are issues that YOU don't see (because you are too close to the relationship, too angry, too hurt) that THEY are trying to point out to you. or maybe you are *asking* people what to do, or asking for help (physical, financial) and they feel "entitled" to tell you what they think


Bottom line is, Amy, that it is YOUR life and YOUR decision to make. what worked for me with my family was (and it was a different matter in my case - some of my siblings had be-friended my then-husband who was refusing to go ahead with the divorce): anyway, i wrote them a letter, and told them how i felt, and that what they were doing, EVEN IF THEY SUPPSOEDLY HAD MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART (they claimed to be trying to *help*) was, in fact, harming me. and i explained why. this might work for you. as for your co-workers - you might want to scale down the personal talk anyway, its not really a great idea...


you go girl! get out there, and be the best mom you can for your son!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 9:25am

I was in the same boat, I was the breadwinner, did most things alone with dd, ex-h was content to stay away from friend and family and like the second poster's ex, he played video games all the time, no intimacy and very little sex, no real love. I am not sure what kind of custody arrangment you have, but my ex-h was terrified of losing out on dd's life and although he didn't do a lot for her before the divorce, he does everything I do now... he even puts her hair in pony tails some days when he has her.

I didn't have any regrets about leaving my marriage. My parents were supportive but I really never gave anyone else room to give their opinons. With our friends we told them what was happening but didn't look to them for support, although my best friend was supportive. I never discussed it with co-workers other than to say I was getting a divorce. When I started dating I only told my best friend and my parents because I was only separated, and that is sort of taboo, I didn't expect much support from anyone other than those really close to me.

I like the CL's suggestion of writing the letter, I am sure the people in your life are only trying to help and they are not understanding what it's like to be in that type of marriage.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 5:23am

I forgot to mention in my first posting that I get snooped on? As you can see from the previous message, the X2B found my original posting and had to add his own.

Talk about passive aggressive.

So help me God, I hope I can make it until Friday when he MOVES OUT! I can't live like this anymore... I can't do anything in my own house without getting snooped on, he checks to see what I'm doing on the internet, he reads my journal, he looks at the phone bills. Now I need to change my iVillage account, etc...

I can't even believe the X2B went to a message board on iVillage about divorce... to see if I had writtin anything. He is making me hate him and I really don't want to do that for the sake of DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 8:11am

Welcome to both of you!

I am glad I read all threads before responding to salem mom..... I think that these guys need to talk a bit....

Good luck to you guys.... I hope you both get the very best of everything.

Hugs and my apologies for you both having such heartache.

Angelena