Hit me like a ton of bricks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Hit me like a ton of bricks
12
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:40pm

I was married for 17 years and he and I divorced three years ago. Our child was 8 when we divorced. There was all kinds of reasons for the divorce, just built up, but the main reason was because of his infidelity. I have been doing well with everything until this past Friday. He calls me up and tells me that he wanted to tell our daughter that he is seeing someone. I thought it was a good idea just so she wouldn't find out from someone else. Alrighty then....here's the kicker. He is seeing the woman that he saw 9 years ago while married to me. She caused me alot of pain and now he is introducing her to our daughter this weekend. This whole weekend all this bitterness, anger and hurt has come back on me. I was doing fine and now it's all come back like a big tidal wave.

How do I get rid of this anger and bitterness? What really confuses me is that I don't want him, I just don't want this woman in my daughter's life. I wishing things I shouldn't like ......I hope she doesn't like this woman, even though that would make it hard for my daughter if she doesn't.......I wish him dead, which you shouldn't wish on anyone. I guess I am just confused on why this is effecting me this way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:10pm

It's good that you don't want the anger and bitterness. Although your feelings are normal, they are self destructive. Any anger you have toward him hurts you and does nothing whatsoever to affect him.

It will probably take some time and some effort to come to terms with the situation and feel peace about it. There are two roads you can take, do it on your own by getting some self help books on betrayal, forgivness, divorce, and co-parenting after divorce (usually betrayal is covered in these)... or find a qualified therapist to talk to. My preference is to do both, it's faster and more effective. But that's me, I like having my therapist to talk to and to help me decide if I am on a healthy path. He knows me very well by now and he's the only completely impartial person I have to talk to, and I trust him. My post-divorce dating experience would not be the same without that. I also enjoy reading books and learning about people and how we think and communicate. That helps too.

I know there is a betrayed spouses board, and perhaps they could be of help too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 2:19pm
Thanks for the advice, but can't I still wish him dead? :) I can't afford a therapist!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 2:28pm
Oh yes, you can wish him dead. You just don't want to walk around with that anger and bitterness inside you constantly, you may think you can hide it but it will eat you up and your dd will be able to see it... most health insurance covers therapy. Have you checked into that? I told my mom forever that I couldn't afford it and when my best friend finally pushed me to check with my insurance, she was right, it was covered.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 3:45pm

The thing is the whole situation is so funky! I was moving on...glad to be rid of him. Since we divorced I had met someone and he was one of those that would contact me, talk to me every night for a week and then disappear. He called a couple of weeks ago just out of blue and I have had the strength not to call him back. I was very proud of myself.

Then the ex hits me with this and I mean it was just like it happened yesterday. It hurt all over again. I think he's asking me to swallow too big of a pill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 4:05pm

>>>I think he's asking me to swallow too big of a pill.<<<

I don't think he's doing this to hurt you. Who he is with (now) is his choice and he probably wishes it could be more of a non-issue. Or if he does want to stick it to you, that is even more reason to get to the point it will not bother you. Trust me, therapy and/or reading about how to get through this will make it not so big of a pill. Hopefully she is a good person deep down (we all make mistakes) and if not, hopefully your dd will see her for who she really is. Either way your dd has you and she will be fine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 4:30pm

I told myself allllll weekend to give my dd some credit. She's 11 and is very skeptical of people. This is her first time meeting someone and she's already made the comment "what if she's a blondeB" (sorry if you're blonde). I did make the mistake letting him know this morning that this hurt all over but I told him I would keep my mouth shut around the dd about the past he and this woman's have. The dd knows that he seen other women (not just the one dd's fixing to meet) while we were married. So, if I told her about it she's not going to like her from the get go and I've always told her that if her dad met someone that makes him happy she should be happy for him. The whole "remarry" thing has been a huge issue with dd. She does not want a stepmom. Heck, she's watched too many movies for one thing but with some counseling I got her through a lot of it. I'm kind of still waiting for her to blow, though. She's not saying much.

I just have a time dealing with the thought that when I found about her, he said she was crazy and a B. (which I promptly reminded him of). I worked very hard to get over what he had done to our marriage at that time and now he's telling me she's a nice person give her a chance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 4:48pm

>>>he said she was crazy and a B.<<<

Maybe the whole thing will come back to bite him in the a$$

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 4:56pm
I can only hope. When I reminded him of what he told me 9 years ago, he said he was covering his a$$. Throughout those 9 years when things would get rough he kept telling me to hang in there, hang in there and I did until his last affair. About five months or so after finding out about that one, I was gone. Yeah, I'm going to say it I hope it bites him BIG. You don't treat people that have faith in you that way
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:15pm

Hi, Emma. I can understand that knowing your daughter is being introduced to the woman who helped him violate his marriage vows is a big trigger. Sounds like it reopened some old wounds. The thing about these feelings is that they are powerful for a while, and then they begin to fade.

Do whatever you can to get through this. When my XH of 22 years walked out to live with OW, then married her within 11 months, therapy helped me get through it and do the best I could with my DS's. I also turned to books: "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" is really excellent. It's been more than two years and I still have times where I'm angry or sad.

Your daughter is the embodiment of the relationship you had with XH. Every time this woman sees her, she gets a reminder of what you had and she doesn't. So do something nice for yourself while your daughter is meeting OW. Write in your journal, take in a movie, do something just for you!

Take care,

Cyndy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:26pm

Thanks cbgrayce & firstamendment. I'm feeling somewhat better today. You are right, these feelings are very powerful and they have faded some since the weekend. It's just wierd how it just came back on me when I was bumping along pretty good.

I really enjoy this msgboard. I read messages posted all the time and I don't post a lot, but it really helped me vent yesterday. I was at work yesterday and was feeling really down. I would just start crying because all of this and then make myself stop. I just keep telling myself "Get over it, it's in the past, go on!" Sometimes that's alot easier said than done.

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