Telling dd (5 yrs) bday TOMMOROW! ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Telling dd (5 yrs) bday TOMMOROW! ...
5
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:48pm

was HORRIBLE! OMG you guys, it was completely heartwrenching. I so didnt want this to be her memory of her bday :(

1st off, it started b/c she had me put a funny screen saver up & she said "Wait till Daddy sees it ... WHENEVER he gets home ... from WHEREVER he is ... is this the secret you have been keeping from me?" Yes! this is how she brought it up.

I sat her down & said that i didnt mean to keep any secrets from her, but yes, i did have to talk to her about something important, & i was trying to find the right way & the right time to tell her. I explained that "you know how you talk about how Mommy & Daddy fight & it makes your belly hurt? Well it makes Mommy sad & nervous too. Mommy went to someone called a judge, for some help. A judge is someone who's job it is to decide what is best & safest for families & kids who are having a hard time. The judge agreed with Mommy that b/c of Daddys behavior, Daddy needed to go somewhere to be away from us, until he can start to act nicer to Mommy." I immedielty explained, as huge silent tears began to pour from her (& me), that if Daddy "did what he had to, we needed to be patient, but soon she would be able to see him again, when we see the judge again". She asked if she coudl go to the judge with us, & if Daddy went with me when i went. She asked, "Is this what breaking up is?" I told her "yes". She asked right away if she could call him, i told her he also cant talk to us on the phone. She said "Can you help me write him a letter?" She started by having me write "Dear Daddy, Im sorry & Im really dissapointed you had to break up. Dad, i really miss you, when will you come home?". This is where i stopped & said "Sweetie, Daddy cant ever come back home to LIVE, just to visit" ... & it was like right then, it hit her - so hard.

She started literally wailing, sobbing, gasping for air .... screaming "Daddy!!! I want my Daddy! Please please get me my Dadda!" Then, to rip my heart out even more, she cried for my Mom .... "I want my Gramma Lisa, i wish my Gramma Lisa was here" (she always went to my Mom when she got hurt, wanted no one else) .... I just cried with her telling her its ok to be sad, its ok to cry, Mommy is sad too, but i know it needs to be like this & we would be alright & Daddy would too. She started saying thinsg like "Why did you have to go to that judge? Go back, tell him you were wrong, that we are ok & to let Daddy come back". I tried to explain to her that it was my decision too, that i didnt feel safe sometimes with Daddy here, & that when he was very angry, it was very unhappy here & its mommys job to be sure we are ok right now & this is what we have to do. She was almost vomiting, gagging she was crying so hard. :( She kept wailing "I wont have a Daddy anymore. What will i do!?! I want my Daddy. Who will take care of me when you go to work?" Then, more pathetic, "Is this in real life Mommy? Its a dream right? Its not real, right? Please tell me its a dream. I didnt think this would ever happen to me Mommy". OMG, i swear, i didnt know what to do or say at that point. *I* want this to all be a nitemare as well. "Im going to be so lonely & so scared Mommy. This is so scary. Im scared, will i be ok?" I kept trying to tell her that we WOULD be ok, that we woudl be sad & confused at 1st, but that so SO many kids go thru this & they are ok. They still see their parents, its not the kids fault AT ALL, its just that we grown-ups cant be good parents together, so we canlive apart, & then things will be better, no more fighting or belly aches. She then started asking "But where will he live? He wont have a home. Is he ok?". I told her he was staying w/ freinds now & was safe & loved her so much. She asked "Does he miss us?" I told her when he got a home she would be able to visit & do all the fun thinsg they do together. & she asked "You mean he can still act silly with me, & watch movies w/ me & watch Sponge Bob with me? Just at his own house?" She started then wailing again saying "Without your husband you will be so lonely. It will only be 2 people living in this house now, what will we do? You shouldnt have gone to that stupid judge! You made Daddy leave. Why does he have to be so mean to you? Why did he have to call you bad names all the time? If he wasnt mean, you wouldnt have made him leave & we could have been a family. I didnt think this was a REAL secret, not a bad one like this". I kept telling her that it has to be this way b/c especially i needed her to learn that it is NOT ok to be yelled at & called names. No one deserves to live with that & since Daddy coldnt stop, he had to leave. I tried explaining that even I had parents who didnt live together but i still got to see my Dad a lot & she said "But youre a grown-up, I'm just a little kid. I want this to be just a dream! Now you will never be able to have a baby brother or sister for me b/c you broke up. & if you have to get another husband, i will hate him". I treid to tell her that no one knows what will happen a long time from now, but right now only Mommy & Averey will be living here & there will be no husbands or anyone else ... its my job & Daddys, to just take care of Averey & thats all we care about. & that Mommy needs to be sure the house we live in is safe & not making us nervous, & that this will get easier. She just kept begging to call him, & crying his name, & then saying "If he wasnt so mean to you, this couldnt have happened to us!" I also told her that i knew a lady (the counselor) who's job it was to help kids who had ot go thru this, & that she has lots of toys & lots of times kids felt better after talking with her, & would she like to go talk about it with her sometime? ... & she said, at 10pm !, "Yes, can we go now?", in sobs. She then started asking if he could ever come back home ... & i said "Averey, Daddy cannot come back here to live with us. He will live somewhere else & you will visit with him. & once he is ok, then sometiems he can visit you here at this house". She said "But cant he ever have a sleepover here or something? Just once?" I told her that maybe sometime, but not for a long long time, & if he did, he couldnt stay, it would just be a visit. That she could have LOTS of sleepovers with him at his house. She kept then saying how she wouldnt have a Daddy anymore ... & i kept trying to get her to understand that just b/c he doesnt live here, doesnt mean he isnt her Daddy anymore. She also asked "Can i go live with him when i am a grown-up?" Poor baby. :( Then she stated saying " I will be so sad, 4-ever & ever". & "Why didnt you TELL me this was happening?" I told her it jsut was decided & i was trying to find a way to tell her, to get brave to tell her, b/c i knew she would be upset & i was scared to make her upset. She asked to call her little freind Spohie, b/w sobs, at the beginning of this ... liek she needed her freind, my poor baby. I told her she could call any adult she wanted to, besides Daddy, so she called Grampa (my Dad). He talked to her for a little while & she calmed down a little. She asked "When you work, can Daddy babysit me? I cant stay all alone. I will be all alone" & i said once this time was over & he could see her, that he didnt HAVE to "babysit", he would take CARE of her, just like always - & that she would never EVER be alone b/c there are SO many people who love her, she will always be taken care of, especially by mommy & daddy who BOTH love her SO much. She then asked for the dogs, i brought them in & she said "Guess what boys? Mommy & Daddy broke up & Daddy cant live with us anymore, You'll be ok though" - & she hugged them & cried. & she just kept saying "I didnt know this would happen to me" ... Then she sort of perked up after a LONG cry & said "Good thing you didnt break up before you got married & had me" & i told her that as sad as this was, the reason Daddy & Mommy even were together was so God could give us you.

& she cried herself to sleep lying on me.

I coudl freaking KILL HIM for putting her through all this.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:53pm

I am so sorry that your DD had such a rough time with the news.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:52am

Your story was so heart wrenching! I kept having to be interupted by my 2 year old who kept getting out of bed. Oh, I feel for you and your DD. What a mess. You are doing the right thing and you are strong. Take care of yourself and your DD. It is the most important thing you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:42pm

i'm sorry it was so difficult for you. i hope that things have calmed down somewhat and that you were able to have a peaceful b-day party....


hugs and prayers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:08am

I was just wondering how things are going now.... let us know.


Remember, you don't have to have all of the answers.... just being there with her is a good thing.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:38pm

Hey Karen, thanks for asking - i have been SO busy with work the past few days ... i did 3 double shifts while i COULD, while i had my family here the weekend to tkae care of her. She is doing pretty well. Still verbalizing missing her Dad of course, & i am trying ot keep it in as positive a lite as i can. HE on the other hand, i am not hearing good things. A week ago it was "He says he has no home, no money, no job ... he learned his lesson & wants to coem back when the RO is done". This week he realizes i AM filing for Divorce (this Wed) & he is FURIOUS. Apparently threatening FAKE legal charges against me, going to try to make me lose my job, going to NOT take the new full time year round job offered to him b/c "If she wants me screwed, then i will live in a shelter & have no job" ... but WORSE, he told 2 of his sibs he "doesnt have a daughter anymore". THAT scares me. I felt he woudl LIVE for her, hopefully get WELL for her ... i know how much he loves her & SHE would be devestated if he really feels that way. I belive he is playing the martyr, he is very good at that. & he is trying to get to me that way. There is NO way he can get to me. I am SO done. One thing that i decided was when we go to court on Feb 24th abotu the RO, i will keep it on me *for sure*, & lift it on her except we are asking for supervised visits b/c he is so emotinally unstable & with his histpry of emotinally abusing our dd to try to get to ME ... i wont stand for it. So, he will ***FLIP**** about that as well.

I am absolutely AMAZED he hasnt broken the RO. But i am still being VERY careful, he is a time bomb ... i knwo that AND it is confirmed by anyone in contact w/ him now.

Thanks! R~

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