please help, i am so scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
please help, i am so scared
4
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:56pm
Hi all. I posted this on the affair support board as well, hope to get some replies:
I know no one can tell me what to do but I hurt so much and I don't know what to do. I've been unsatisfied for along time in my M, H agreed to an open M and I fell in love w/my EMA (and he with me). H knows this, he also knows how unhappy I've been for so long. He is so sick of me and my sh$t. I love him, he's been my best friend for 7 yrs but I'm not happy in the M. I'd do anything to keep his friendship but he's too hurt and angry (I can't blame him of course). We've been talking about D and going around in circles for what feels like forever and I am so drained emotionally. I would like to D amicably and find a way to both spend as much time as possible w/our young kids, even doing stuff together w/them still. He wants nothing to do with this, he thinks I am a horrible selfish person and says he will fight me tooth and nail to get custody of them, never mind we have no money for this--he says he'll fight til the bitter end. I don't want to fight! I am frantically afraid of this "battle" that he's threatening me with, I want to work out an arrangement but he says why should he lose his kids? And he's right! Why should he, if I am the one that wants to go off and be w/someone else? But they are little ! And they need me, I work PT and have my mom to help, if he won custody he'd have to put them in daycare or hire a babysitter--I told them thats absurd, to pay strangers to watch them when I could do it! I told him he can have liberal amounts of time w/them and come over whenever he wants to, to play, put them to bed, whatever. He says thats not good enough, he's taking me to court for custody. He says we'll let the judge decide. Would a judge give full custody to the dad, even though the mom has a flexible schedule and has been the primary caretaker, just b/c the mom is a lying adultress? This is a nofault state and a lawyer that I talked to said the judge wont care what you did in your M he'll just look at whats best for the kids. I am so scared that my H, who can be very vindictive and bitter, will pull out all the stops trying to prove somehow that my infidelity makes me unfit to raise them (I think he believes this actually). Please help me! I am so scared!! I care about him and I dont want to hurt my kids, its too late to take back what Ive done and I just want to start fresh in life and put this disaster of a M behind us. I don't want to lose my kids!! Sorry for rambling...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:38am

Your husband is giving you a hard time because he's hurt. Even though you were unhappy and talked about it with him, it is a real blow to a man's ego, and marriages are more likely to end when a woman has the affair.

I am in a similar situation. I had a very controlling H who wanted to limit what I did with my career, as well as control my spending, my time, etc., and every time I told him I was unhappy, he got incredibly defensive and didn't want to hear it or make any attempt to fix any problems. I, too, embarked on an EMA and have been dealing with the sometimes harsh judgments of my family and friends. We don't have kids, but my H of late has been really hurtful, saying things that I am absolutely sure are because my A truly devastated him.

I would suggest doing everything possible to have a friendly (as friendly as can be) relationship with your soon to be ex-H. Is he up for getting together for dinner? Coffee? You can say you want to talk about what the kids are doing at school. Whatever. Not only does it benefit your children (to have an amicable relationship), but you both as well, when it comes to healing.

Would he be up for counseling? At least maybe that would get you both to admit that you're hurting and work toward moving on.

I really hope that no one judges you because of the choices you made. But it is true in a no fault state that things are equitably divided. You should also talk to a lawyer to make sure he can't do anything to undermine you when it comes to deciding custody.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:39am

You attorney is correct. Your husband is very angry and he needs to vent. I had an affair too and confessed to it the night I said I wanted a divorce. We had to sell our house before either of us could afford to move, so I let him vent for several months. It was hard but I knew that he needed to get all his feelings out so that we could move on to co-parent. I agreed to joint physical custody, on the grounds that we would always put dd first and he agreed. He was mad and upset (not really about losing me, but more about the financial security I provided and he felt I was abandoning my responsibility to him) but he did see that he was getting the best possible deal and he didn't try to sabotage that.

Once your husband goes to an attorney and the attorney realizes you are being reasonable, the attorney will probably discourage him from fighting for full custody (or more likely, when the attorney realizes he doesn't have the money for that fight, he will tell him he's already getting a good deal). Keep reinforcing to your husband that you want to work together, put the children first, co-parent, and remind him that he could lose in court (most dad's do) especially once the judge see's that he's being unreasonable while you are being fair and trying to compromise. I would be careful with the liberal visitation though. IMHO it gives him the ability to jump into your life whenever he wants. It's much better (again, IMHO) to have a set schedule the children can rely on. My dd knows that no matter what, she is with me one week and her dad the next, and no matter what she will see me one night on his week and see him one night on my week (we do this so she doesn't have to go a whole week without seeing one of her parents). The schedule is the key to her feeling secure.

I would also warn you to proceed with caution with the EMA. The guy I had an affair with was planning to be with me too. As soon as I left my marriage and was in my own apartment, the relationship disintegrated. I was okay though, because I left my marriage for my own reasons, not just to be with the other man. I think this happens a lot, so just make sure you want out of your marriage for you, not to be with him. Also, your husband and children are not going to understand if you bring the OM to meet the children any time soon. Focus on the divorce and custody right now (no need to give your husband more amunition, even if he can't take the children away from you for it, it will confuse the children and hurt your husband more).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:39pm
Thanks for your replies. Yes I know he is hurting and hopefully with some time, he will realize that it is best for the kids to have both of us as much as possible, it just doesn't make any logical sense for him to get full custody and I really don't think he'd win such a battle (I don't want to fight over them regardless). He's been a good H to me and I have no ill feelings towards him whatsoever, I just don't think we are a good match. I've thought this for a very long time, way before I had my EMA and I am not leaving my M just so I can be with the OM. I wish the timing had been different and I had met my OM after the D. I plan on waiting quite a while before introducing the OM to my kids, the last thing I want to do is hurt them or confuse them further. I love them so much, and I love H too but not how a W should love a H and I just don't want to fake my way through this M anymore. I hope someday my H will understand this and be happy again b/c right now he is confused, heartbroken, miserable and very angry and I hate that I've done this to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:54pm

I believe it was invaluable that my ex and I were stuck in the same house for a few months after we agreed to divorce (financially we had no choice) and I let him vent as often as he needed to. Of course he was upset that I had an affair and was leaving himm, and he was very afraid of having to be on his own. I let him say whatever he had to say, and I just sat there and took it. His rants were often long converstations with himself expressing his rage verbally, while my presense was necessary since I was the source of the anger and disappointment. When a question was posed to me (often the question of why had I done what I had done) my response was something quick and short like, "I know you are upset and you have every right, I can't change it or explain it, but I need to do this." I sort of thought of it as my punishment for having done that to him, but also as the fact I was his wife for 9 years and he had a lot of anger he needed to just get out, it was the least I could do for him. There were a couple times I had to stop him and say I couldn't take any more, I needed a break, but for the most part I let him say whatever he wanted for however long he wanted to say it. Honestly, I was afraid of what would happen if he kept all that anger inside (he refused to talk to a counselor) and I knew that we could not work together in the best interests of our dd if he didn't do something to get it all out.

Often what would come out of his rants were his fears about being able to support himself and about having time with dd. Whenever we got to one of his fears, that was when I would speak up. I reassured him countless times that I was determined that splitting our assets would be done fairly, that I believed we could get enough from the house to pay off credit cards and our cars, and that I would make sure he could live off what he made plus the child support - this often turned to a discussion of getting the house ready to sell and planning how we would separate.... His other main fear was time with dd, and when this came up I spoke up and reassured him that I would never take dd from him (move away) and that our plan could and would be flexible enough that if it didn't work for one of us or for dd, we would work together, as her parents, to make the best decision we could for her - this often led to a discussion of the custody plan and lots of "what if's" which I believe served to calm his fears a great deal.

I know my situation is mine and this would not work for everyone, but I thought I'd share a little more about how my ex-h went from angry and afraid to calm and willing to co-parent.

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