What good is having court orders???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
What good is having court orders???
5
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:30am

I am from Michigan, I filed for divorce in December. Husband and I were separated (since I kicked him out) since last Jan. '04. I kept begging him to file because I have and still don't have any $$. He was the one that wanted the divorce. Well then comes along another baby with a girl that was a close friend because she is his sister's SIL. He is 33 and she is 24 and neither of them have a place to live and he lied the whole family lied to me and our daughter about this pregnancy until the baby was born. Then he fessed up. And still of course I was the one that filed. Ok Ok here is my situation.

Went to the Friend of the Court on January 19, 2005 and had our "concilliation meeting". I was the one that said that our daughter could be around his other baby during his parenting time and that if he and this other girl were going to be a family that she could even be around but he as a MAN (which he isn't) should have to explain to our 4 yr old that daddy has another family too. Well she doesn't understand she just thinks that she has a sister but daddy and mommy are still married and that this other girl she calls "Aunt" because she grew up around this other chick is NOT daddy's girlfriend. So anyway the FOC said he couldn't make my husband explain that to our daughter but he was going to put an order in that no 3rd parities of the opposite sex that weren't relative of our daughter could be around during parenting time but that the other child could be present. Ok we agreed ONLY until the divorce is final. Ok soooooo guess what he tells our daughter or someone tells our daughter not to tell me that "Aunt" was around. So then I confront husband about this and he says it just means that "Aunt" can't spend the night. I said no. He said well then how is the baby supposed to get there. I said I don't care about this other kid I only care what was ordered and what has to do with our daughter. She is not to be around. I told him to consult his attorney but that is what it is an ORDER. It would be like me saying just cause it says you have this weekend I will let you have her Sunday not Friday and Saturday. I can't do that. It is an order!!!!!

So I let the FOC know and of course I only get voicemail. I mean what is the sense of getting orders if someone doesn't follow them and nothing happens to them about breaking the orders????? I wasnt the one who put the order in it was the FOC not me!!!!

Advice please.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:59am

Sometimes people do violate court orders and I am sure there is a process to go through when that happens, but it's not instantanous and it's not the FOC's fault you got his voicemail, I am sure there are lot of bigger violoations out there to be dealt with.

Since your dd is not in physical danger, I would try to take a deep breath and look at this a little differently. It's true that if the other baby is going to be there, the baby's mother probably needs to drop the baby off and pick the baby up. Is that all that happened? If the mother was only there a few minutes, then I would not worry about it. If you really want to enforce the provision of the order, and you know for a fact she was spending the day with your STBX and dd, then wait for the FOC to call back and find out what the process is.

If the "Aunt" is going to be around after the divorce, then the provision is just a temporary thing. I am guessing you are feeling angry and betrayed and that is driving you to keep this woman away from your dd, but the bottom line is she's probably going to be around her sometime and your dd will most likely be okay even if she's around now. That doesn't make you feel any better, I know, but you are spending a lot of energy on keeping this woman out and eventually you are going to have to face the fact that you can't control that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:00pm

Thanks for your input. I am listening. No he is telling me she is just dropping off the baby but my daughter says she is there the whole time.

I am angry and I know she isn't in physical danger but I was also the one at the FOC that said "If "Aunt" wants to be around I don't care he just needs to explain that to my daughter because I can't explain what I don't know (telling our daughter they are together if he is telling our daughter they aren't which he is)." It was my suggestion because this girl doesn't have a home like my STBX he bounces back and forth between 2 sisters houses that are filled to the brim with kids. This girl lives with her parents and bounces back and forth between his 2 sisters houses also. But my STBX was the one who said no it isn't that way so she won't be around. I have told my daughter that "Aunt" isn't a bad person it is the court that says she can't be around. But I also have told my daughter that I don't like her and that is in between me and her. And that she can like her. But right now that time is for daddy and our daughter and her sister. Again I was the one who brought up that she needed to be around (the baby) he didn't mention it at all. Oh I know that I am just a pion on this long list of cases for our county but believe me if I refused to let our daughter go because I interrpreted the order a different way I am sure my booty would be in a nice cell.

I also too thought well maybe just dropping off the kid and she stopped in and nope daughter says she eats dinner with us and she goes here with us and blah blah blah. my STBX has all the other days of the week to be around this other chick I mean darn it he says he just wants to spend time with our daughter then you have her around? I mean he isn't discussing how the situation is going to be and believe me my daughter asks ????'s galore. But why should I answer them when I can't? I am listening to you otherwise why post here. I am using energy but my gosh this time is our daughters and this other baby's if she is around not this other chicks when she has her own car to travel to see him when our daughter isn't around.

blah blah blah blah

Thanks again!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:08pm

I would be really careful telling your dd you don't like this other woman. It's a lot of pressure for her to know you don't like this woman and to then try and like her herself, I don't think a child can comprehend that.

>>>I am angry and I know she isn't in physical danger but I was also the one at the FOC that said "If "Aunt" wants to be around I don't care he just needs to explain that to my daughter because I can't explain what I don't know (telling our daughter they are together if he is telling our daughter they aren't which he is)." <<<

I don't understand. It's quite possible that the other woman won't be around, but why can't the explanation just be this is the baby's mother and she's going to spend time with us while the baby is here?

If your dd asks questions, the best response is, "I don't know honey, you should ask your father when you see him."

I don't think his time with dd is diminished because the "Aunt" and the baby are there. My bf comes over sometimes, but I'm still spending time with my dd when he's there.

I do completely understand your hurt and anger over the situation, but I don't get the need to have the situation fully explained to dd. Maybe he doesn't know if he will have a relationship with the "Aunt" down the road. I don't talk to my dd about my relationship with my bf, all she knows is that he's a friend and he comes to see us sometimes. Our future is not in cement, and I won't tell her anything until it is.

Edit: Obviously my bf and I don't have a baby together, but my point is that sometimes a simpler explanation is better than a long, complex one.




Edited 2/8/2005 12:10 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:23pm

I know that feeling. During the time that the child spends with her other parent, you lose control over the things she is exposed to, the things she learns, the people she meets. You can tell your Ex that a tender-hearted 4 yo may be hurt someday if he decides to dump the "aunt," but that isn't going to make him care.

I understand the pain and frustration. Unfortunately it is a subject you will need to come to some kind of peace with. Courts have very little power to dictate how a person will live his/her life, who they will spend time with, who they will hurt. If you are the best mother you can be while DD is with you, then she will have a solid "home base" that helps her to withstand whatever the world throws at her. We cannot protect our little ones forever, we CAN teach them to be a strong. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 5:05pm

Thank you. I am listening. I know you have heard this before but my daughter is really smart for her age. She will ask and ask and ask. I don't want to lie to her and I don't like this person. But I also told her she wasn't bad.

The only harm is that my STBX says to me that he didn't want every dick tom and harry coming around and that is exactly what she is going to be exposed to with her dad. I just know I won't have control but I do right now in this adjustment period before the divorce is final.

My only thing is if the FOC was the one who put it in the papers as an order and they don't enforce them then what would be the difference if I said oh you have her for 3 hrs today? Well I didn't understand that is what it meant so you can get her for 1 hr instead of 3 you can bet that since I was defaulting on my orders something would happen to me.

Oh and by the way he hasnt paid me one red cent since this other baby was born.

That is sad.

Thanks!!!