new here...need advice/support
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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:15am |
I am so lost. I left my husband of 5 years (been together for 7) in December because I was sick and tired of the vicious cycle that we were in. He has a drug addiction and until recently would not admit it to himself. We still talk, on account of our daughter (she's 3) and I am seeing the man that I feel in love with all those years ago. I know that he still loves me, but I can not get past the hurt and anger that I've held onto for so long. Also, I have a very hard time believing that he's changed so quickly and that this isn't just a ploy to try to win me back.
I told him yesterday that I need more time and space, and we ended up fighting for over an hour, instead of just hanging up. I don't understand why I let him have so much control over me and my emotions. Is this normal? Is it always this hard to let go? I prayed about this decision for a very long time, and I know that it truely is best for my daughter and I to be away from him right now... I'm just so sick of hurting so much. Part of me doesn't want to let go because of the fear of being alone, but I can't stay with someone that emotionally abuses me either. Anyone have any advice?

My father abused drugs. My mom always said that they loved each other but they just couldn't live together.
The fear of being alone is very common, most all of us go through that. If your husband is showing a better side of him, be glad for that becaues it's good for your dd. You don't need to go back to the vicous cycle.
I think it's really hard to get through this without therapy. Even if you were not dealing with a drug abusing husband and having this fear of being alone, therapy would be a tremendously good idea. If you went to therapy and after some time, you and your therapist thought it was a good idea to give it another try, then you could do it then. But my guess is the reason he started a fight is that he's only been super nice in order to get you to come back, and he couldn't hold back the frustration and anger when you said you needed more time. If you went back now, it's very unlikely he will keep being that man you feel in love with.
That's a tough one..... drugs are so powerful.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
hi and hugs. living with an addict is very difficult, and the "normal" rules of relationships simply don't apply. I was married to an addict for 7 years, he was addicted to "legal" drugs - tranquilizers, pain killers. its not the same problems as drugs - but its the same kind of "relationship". the problem with addicts is that they will do and say ANYTHING and EVERYTHING just to get what they want. once they have what they want (support, money, drugs, sex) - they go back to where they were.
here is what i would suggest:
first - if he is NOT in some kind of support system (like NA) - then i wouldn't even consider any kind of relationship with him. nor would i, quite frankly, allow him to have access to my child alone. also - it takes a long time for an addict to go thru the cycles of physical as well as psychological addiction.
second - i would suggest that YOU look into a group called codependents anonymous (CODA) and/or al-anon. i think you will get the kind of support you need there.
good luck