Scared But Trying to Go On

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Scared But Trying to Go On
3
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:36am
I have never posted anything on the internet before - never made public many of the things that have gone on in my private life but here goes - I feel like I'm on the edge right now and I guess I'm looking for someone just to listen. I filed for divorce a year and a half ago. I had been married for 20 years with children ages 16 and 13. Our marriage (in my eyes) was never "normal". There was very little intimacy - even in the early years. Our honeymoon was void of any, not until weeks after we were home from the honeymoon was there any. As I look back now I think whistles and sirens should have been going off in my head. I could go on about the years and years of being lonely. There were times when I wanted to be with him but after a few years of nothing I gave up and lost all interest and I believe lost all love for him too. We have two children and I thank God for them every night. I can count on two hands the times in 20 years we were intimate, yet I continued on in the marriage. Things were very easy for us financially. We owned (and he still does) a very successful business in a small midwestern town. He was very generous with money. We never ever lacked for anything that money could buy. For five years before I filed for divorce I lived on anti-depressants. I had a very successful job with one of the big three car companies before children. After the birth of our first I wanted to stay home and did. I have been a stay at home mom now for over 16 years. Through this marriage I feel like I have been stripped of all self-confidence, self-esteme and self-worth. At the time I filed for divorce there had been no intimacy in the marriage for 13 years. Nothing. At one time I slept on the couch for 7 months and it was never questioned. I don't know if he strayed in this "marriage". He said he didn't. I was faithful to him until 6 weeks before I filed. There was no sex, but a lot of talking and realizing that I wasn't in a normal relationship and that I wanted something normal. When I told him I wanted a divorce his reaction was - he was surprised it hadn't happened before now. It was heartbreaking to tell the kids. So many people were floored with the news. From the outside we were the perfect family. No one knew what was and wasn't going on behind closed doors. I have no relationship with any of my family now. They still all continue to be in contact with my not-yet ex. I feel like they all look at all the material things around and think I am crazy for leaving yet I feel like I need a normal relationship with a man. I am still seeing the man I left this marriage for and am happy. I just wish the guilty feelings would go away. I have since found out after meetings with my lawyer that she had been told through his lawyer that he is gay. This was devastating, yet not a surprise. It also may explain why he has felt the need to drag me through the mud in our small community and at church. Friends that I had no longer speak to me, I have been discussed at church meetings, he has taken it upon himself to let people know what I am getting in the divorce settlement and how he feels he is being "raped", and I know he and my mother go back and forth quite often. And there I am, keeping quiet because I don't want the kids to hear anything. Knowing the things I could say about him but feel I am a better person then that, as much as I would like to tell some people the real reason the marriage fell apart. I certainly hope things become final soon. There is another court date in two months. Hopefully then things will be over. I have always thought I was a strong person but I am feeling pretty hopeless right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:47am

OMG your relationship with your STBX sounds like MY marriage. uncanny. except that in our case, in addition to all his other problems, my ex was also a first class cheap slob. its very sad that you had to go thru this. its sad that your husband can't admit his *true* leanings and live a more open and honest life. and its so unfair that YOU are the one who has to bear the brunt of HIS problems. does anyone in your family know about the sexuality issues? what about your children? this is so hard to carry on your own!


I also left a man who was supposedly rich ( i really do't know to this day how much money he did or didn't have, another one of his issues is extreme paranoia and secrecy). i worked before and i am still working now - so that hasn't changed. and when i was still married, we had a car, and we traveled more, etc. now - we can't. but i am not sorry that i left. not for one minute. in fact - once DS and I were settled in *our* little rented apartment, and i began to pay our bills etc - i was only sorry that i didn't leave sooner.


I just want to say one thing - you can take it or leave it - but please remember that i have your best interest at heart: its a very dangerous thing to leave a marriage "for" someone. remember - this new guy is a man who started a relationship with a married woman. that says something about who he is. *new guys* have a tendency to *look good* always. but remember - that you are a very hurt and vulnerable woman right now. and you are emerging from a very unhealthy life. my sincere advice to you right now would be to find a therapist and work with him/her on YOUR issues, YOUR life, YOUR guilt feelings. you NEED THIS. if this guy is meant to be - it will happen. just don't rush into things. you really need to be ON YOUR OWN, learn about yourself, and build yourself up. once you are in a stronger position - then by all means go out and date and move on. just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:32pm
WOW! I would be outraged that your family is acting this way. THey should be supporting you and putting what would make you happy first! Irregardless if they like the guy or not, they should be there for YOU! It's only fair that whatever accumulated for assets in the marraige belongs to both of you. How manay lonely years did you spend due to his lack of affection. This is just not your fault. I think if it were me I would start meeting new people and surrounding myself with people that are more caring about your happiness and well-being. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:34pm

You describe it all so well, I can really empathize. Do be careful to build yourself the new life that you want, and don't be tempted to build everything around one man. You are not a teeny bopper, so you understand more about the need to be an individual.

After a period of initial shock and just not knowing what to say, the true friends who really care will make themselves known to you. It's hard to hold your chin up and ignore the gossip, but I don't know of any method that works better in the long run. Don't hide if you have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't let fear hold you back if you want to go to church or join a club. Good luck.