about to separate and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
about to separate and scared
4
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:34pm

I'm new here. And very confused, angry, sad and 100 other emotions.

My husband of 12 years recently turned 40 and it seems that he is having the cliche "mid life crisis".

He is saying that he needs to find himself. That he feels trapped and unhappy with his life and that he needs to search for a way to be happy.

He wants to separate, and at this time he says it's a trial separation. He wants to get a place in the city but still come here (the burbs) to see the kids.

I'm hurt and confused and finding it very hard to suddenly be left out of his life. He has become very private.

I don't even know why I'm posting this - I guess I just want to know that there are others out there going through the same type of things. I feel so NOT in control of what happens and that is really scary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:08pm

My H gave me a similar story about four years ago - I need to find myself, things aren't working, we need to separate for awhile, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 8:00pm
My husband and I started counseling last fall because we were having trouble with our daughter. It quickly became apparent that we needed counseling for us before dealing with her. In January, he decided to move out so that he could think. He works with 20 yr olds, goes out many nights to party, joined a band, wants to get a nose ring, was coming home and telling me about how some 18 yr old would hit on him. He is thinking of getting lazer eye surgery and teeth whitening. The clincher though was that he told me he just doesn't love me anymore. This is one of many times in our marriage that he had a total personality transformation but before they were conducive to family life. I don't know what is wrong with him but I am working on focusing on the fact that I deserve better than this. I don't want to be seen as someone that is second string. Let him get the 20 year old. 20 year olds grow up too and want children, marriage, etc- all the responsiblity that he is running away from. I am tired of being his mother (FYI I know I sound tough but I spend a lot of time crying and feeling sick about the whole thing. THis is not how I pictured my life. I hoped for more than this. So, my heart goes out to you and everyone else. This just stinks.) Oh he is 35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:29am

hugs! i am sorry you had to find us under these circumstances, but i do hope you will find comfort and support and advice here - as we all have.


I guess that the first thing that jumped to my mind was also - is he having an affair? the bottom line is that you can't force him to stay with you if he doesn't want to. and its hard to deal with that lost off control that you are feeling right now.


you may not believe me - but it will be ok, you will get thru this. of course its hard - this is your partner, the father of your children, and this whole thing has just hit you out of the blue. take the time that you need to heal.


has he EVER raised ANY issues before - even things that seemed trivial at the time? have you ever tried marital counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:56am
I have been seperated for 1 1/2 yrs and was the one to initiate our seperation/divorce and still feel the way you do. You may be surprised once he is gone the things you find out. I was shocked and deeply hurt when truths started coming out after my STBX left. And even as much as I've been hurt, as much as I know the kids and I can make it on our own, the feeling of being scared is overwhelming sometimes. I have been married for 20 years with two teenage children. Being divorced was never anything I thought would happen to me. You will get the strength you need. You will be surprised the things you can do when you have to. Know, you are not alone.