Has anyone else...
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Has anyone else...
| Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:30pm |
...felt not happy with their marriage, but not miserable either? Just kinda "eh" about it all? I'm still feeling that sometimes I just want OUT and sometimes I feel like there's just no way I could bring myself to do it.
Soledad

Yes I was like that. I probably still would be with him if he hadn't left me. I was miserable... I was depressed and alienated myself from everyone but him. He wasn't abusive.... he just didn't fullfill my needs anymore. I needed to feel like I was number one and our son and I were not. He worked all the time and played computer geek when he was home. I even tried to go to college to learn his "trade" so that we had a common ground. Nothing worked and finally he left. I was stuck in a rut for a year before he left. I know that now, but didn't know it then......
It was hard when he left... I thought it was the end of the world. But then a few months later I realized I was fine without him. Do I still miss him sometimes... yep. I am with someone else now too... but I still miss him sometimes.
If it is needed.... you should do it. Leave a situation that is not happy for you. Even if its for a little while. Maybe some time apart will make you realize you are fine without him or you love him more than you knew... and it will make him realize the same.
Yep, it's called Complacency and it's brutal! Did it for FAR too many years of my life.
You are in a unique spot. Both decisions are life changing, staying and going. Are you just blah with the marriage.........because????
Have you been married for a long time?
Do you have kids?
Marriages can reconnect. I don't know your circumstances, but there are some awesome books and you can 'do' to reconnect if you choose to. It takes two, but sometimes, it just takes ONE to initiate it. It's worth the effort if there are ANY strings salvageable. The aftermath of divorce is devastating. The grass isn't greener and I say that now, remarried, pregnant and very happy where I am. I would not be anywhere else, but I did exhaust everything I knew how before I left. There is a difference between having reasons to leave and just giving up on a long relationship that's unfulfilling. A lot of times it's unfulfilling because one or both have stopped the effort. Any relationship takes effort and another relationship that is 'blended' has it's own set of challenges ON TOP of the challenges of the last one.
If you're having those feelings, something is wrong, but is it wrong because of something substantial? Could you tweak your perception, work on the marriage? Had it died on the vine because it had no water?
If there is any, even tiny possibility of saving the marriage, you're not out anything to try but divorce has far reaching, life changing challenges (and blessings).
Read the book, the 4 love languages. Are you not speaking your spouse’s language and is she not speaking yours? You can't believe the difference that simple book could make. My ex and I never connected..........not like I've experienced with my new spouse, but if you have EVER connected with your spouse in the past, you can again. Get the book 'light her fire'. Talk to your spouse, maybe she's feeling the same way. Give the other person the chance to repair before. Sometimes separations are healthy, it makes you VERY aware of what you missed and loved about the person. My ex took a separation as an act of war, not a way to reconnect. If you have a long history with someone, know that divorce can be a new start and an incredible blessing, but it's not easy and the grass isn't greener if you didn't tend the grass you already had. Every lawn takes mowing, watering and weed pulling and growth to survive. Trading in a new one for an old one won't help. Someday, the fragrance wears off of the 'new' grass and you still have to roll up your sleeves and do the 'work' of maintaining a fabulous relationship, they don't just happen. Blended families can be INCREDIBLY HARD. there are times I've longed for the simplicity of being with my children's father..........they've gone through a LOT and their lives have been forever affected. I'm happier, but it comes with a price tag. If you can fix where you are, the rewards are rich and SO much simpler. If you can't.........life will resume and even be much better for you than before, but it's still can be haunted by the past if you have kids.
Don't know if that helps or not. I wish my ex would have put the effort he has is now putting into his 2nd marriage, into our family. He's also commented that it would have been much easier. He thought starting new would mean not having to fix the pile of crap we needed repaired, what he didn't know is that with his new wife, once the 'new' wore off, there's still crap to deal with and now he's a step father to two teenagers which has caused it's own set of challenges. It's SO MUCH more work in a second marriage/family and I think if we both knew the war, emotions and hurt it caused for our kids, maybe we would have put that effort into each other. Having said that.....I am grateful to be where I am. Sounds conflicted, but I have the most amazing husband on the planet now, however, it does and did come with a price tag. You either do the work now on the specifics of your relationship or you'll do even more work the next round. Maybe on 'different' specifics, but still, it's all work to make it work!
Take your time. Talk to you spouse. Give both of you (and your kids if you have any) the option of trying before you throw in the towel if there is anything to salvage.
Best of luck! Complacency in a relationship can be devastating, hurtful and miserable. You can't make your spouse work on it, but you can initiate something and try....
Walk away with a clear conscious that you did everything you could. There does come a day to say good-bye, but evaluate your part in the relationship as well or you'll quickly find yourself repeating it unless you dig up the root and pull it out.
honey - you have posted before - here is your previous message: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=14444.1
the bottom line is, like i said to you before, that you are dealing with an addict and you need to deal with this differently. you do not have a "marriage": your husband drinks and gets drunk, you don't have sex, you are miserable.
you are not going to get anywhere until you are able to face your life and deal with it...
I was in a marriage like you describe... not happy but not unhappy. We were married for 9 years. Then I started losing weight, was diagnosed with a chronic illness and realized I could no longer exist with a video game addict who had very little interest in sex. I had an affair. All the sudden I had gone from boring marriage to intolerable mess. Then I divorced. Now I am content.
I think I had to create a mess of my marriage in order to justify leaving it. In hindsight, everyone would have been much better off if I had the strength and courage to end it beforehand.
Edited 2/11/2005 9:47 am ET ET by firstamendment
sol_e_dad...
Pianoguy's 1st marriage was definitely similar to the one you've described.