The new stepmom
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The new stepmom
| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:11am |
My ex recently got remarried. This new woman has been way too eager to take the kids from me. It is like two against one now. I'm wondering how to handle it. She is trying to replace me. My oldest daughter already calls her mom. She offers to come get my kids earlier. I just don't understand it. You would think she would get tired of taking care of two extra kids every weekend. I wonder if she will ever get tired of it. She watches my kids over the weekend while the ex comes and goes as he pleases. Anyone else in a situation like this, any suggestions?

Rest assured that there would have to be abuse or neglect on your part for her (and your EX)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
When my ex met his girlfriend, all hell broke loose. She wouldn't let them call me and told my kids it was 'daddy's time'. They wouldn't even tell me her name even after she moved in! She interfered and still does, with arrangements. My ex couldn't pick his nose without someone's help and she's a controlling, take charge kind of gal......interpretation, let him do nothing and she thinks she's the new parent. Hmmmmmm, not so much!
They were married almost a year ago but have lived together for longer. I've had more hurdles to jump through emotionally dealing with her than my divorce I think. Having another woman, who's caring for my kids, pick up the phone (and my kids are in the background) and saying I'm NOT allowed to call HER house and hanging up, was a bit much for my blood pressure. I ended up filing contempt charges and she's mellowed out a bit, but I’ve also had to put some boundaries up too. This is a heated, two sided thing. I have a brother whose wife has been on the step mother end and his ex is vicious to her, so I've seen some of the heartache that side can cause, but nothing has really prepared me for dealing with another woman and my kids.
They don't call her mom. She told them the could, but she only sees them 5 or so days a month.........and she's NOT their mom. They asked me about calling her that and I told her I would prefer they didn't. They could find another name that was special to her, but not mom. Their dad won't allow them to call my spouse dad, but its okay for his wife to request them call her mom? Hmmm, not so much! (no offense to all the great step moms out there :)
Set up some boundaries. I told my ex, until things settle down, he and I were the only ones that were going to deal with OUR kids. He picks them up, or no one does. Visitation isn't for a step parent, it's for the parent. She's requested to know information my ex never cared about. She wants to go to school open houses and butt into things yet she trashes me to the kids when she has them. I've tried to be civil, in fact, I bought the book 'step wives' and gave her a copy hoping to stop some of the controlling and rude comments my kids had to deal with. She, ironically told me that she knew what I was feeling because she'd had to deal with a girlfriend with her ex............I was amazed she did some of the things she did if she knew the gut wrenching feeling. It's a very vulnerable feeling. You know they are YOUR kids. You know they love you, you know she won't replace you, but for some reason this mamma bear comes out punching! Get the book step wives, it helped a lot.
I have had to come to grips with the fact she's not going anywhere for the moment. She does take care of my kids. They like her, for the most part and so there are some things you have to come to grips with. However, I don't think I have to parent with her and there are some areas I will always draw boundaries with. I've sent her cards telling her thank you for caring for the kids and complimenting her. (Wasn’t easy) but I know they are actually better cared for with her there than my ex. He didn't take care of them which cause its own set of insecurities. I also know step parenting can be a really hard job!
My ex has had just as hard of time with my new spouse. It's just plain HARD. Someone else is in 'your spot'. It feels very threatening and initially, you have to work yourself through some of those moments. I try not to bad mouth her and encourage them to mind and respect her (not always easy as she's openly trashed me) and she is undermining me when ever possible. She answers the phone, takes it away from my ex during conversations and stands over his shoulder telling him what to say in our conversations. After 17 hours of mediation, she 'didn't like' the agreement my ex and I hammered out and so he didn't sign any of it.
It's frustrating and don't feel bad about making some boundaries. My ex new wife, wants more summer time and wants his Tuesdays visits gone, they interfere. She's had me speechless more than once. She's been completely evil to sickeningly nice (when she was recording for court). I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. We have had some civil talks he past few months, but really.........for me, she's become irrelevant. She's not a parent and the more power I allow her to have over my emotions, the more she gets what she wants. I've just retreated to her being irrelevant. The kids know her kids rule the house when they are there. She's been VERY vocal about that. She dotes on my youngest daughter and I still choke that down because it's an evasion of my 'mothering', but still..........when push comes to shove, She'll never be their mother. They know who their mom is. I will say, it's been hard though. I've never been insecure as a parent or mother but dealing with a new 'woman' in my kids lives that I have NO input on and that openly trashes me..........has made me pause more than once. I treat her the way my spouse would like to be treated, but I have drawn the lines that my ex needs to anti up and be the parent. I'm NOT parenting with her, that's his responsibility. She may be gone next year, she may not be. She's irrelevant. Give yourself permission to stand back, draw some boundaries. Be polite (although there are moments that a part of you may come out you didn’t' know you had in you). You'll have to deal with her for years to come and she's got her own side of the coin. Get that book, it tells both sides and gives you something to think about. I've tried to respect her boundaries, but I'm a parent first and at the end of the day, she's irrelevant in my life. My children like her, but even they say, after the 'new' wore off, she's just there. They get angry because my ex allows her to make all the choices, but she plays the game. She's sharp as a tack, but then so am I!
Truthfully, I hope someday to come to peace with her. She will influence my kids lives. I know my own insecurities have brought up feelings I've never been faced with. I mean who's prepared to share their kids with another 'mother'. NOT ME!!! It's gotten better with time. It's been two years now. My anxiety is better and so is the knowledge that I'll always be there mother.
I read a book called, We're Still Family. It was older divorced children talking about their experience. It helped me see that kids really do file new parental figures in a certain light. Not always bad, but not the 'same' as their bio parents. they aren't the same. I was surprised at how they could attach, yet still maintain. I didn't grow up and have to deal with step parents, so I didn't know first hand. Try to be grateful if she's nice to them. Let yourself have time to walk through, one of the hardest (in my opinion) parts of the post divorce experiences. My husband will never be my kids father. They know who their dad is. They love my husband and he spends so much more time with them than their dad ever did, but still, he'll never be their dad and he shouldn't be. He'll add a part to their life that my ex won't. He's good to them and treats them like his own. Step parenting is the hardest job on the planet. I do try to remember that when I'd like to run over the new step mom. My ex doesn't interfere the way his wife has though. It makes a difference.
Hang in there. Read what you can. There isn't much on the topic of dealing with your guts going through this 'step mom' experience as a mother or all the HUGE emotions that go with it.
Bless all you divorced women that can do it gracefully and without a hitch.....but I've found it to be very hard even though I've put an effort to be informed and civil. There's an underlying, fundamental, primal feeling that goes against everything in your being when someone tries to mess with your kids, your position, your parenting, your role. It's a learning curve......... ;)
My little girl has a new step mom now too. Man, it's hard not to feel jealous! I continue to be astounded and amazed that my ex can all of a sudden be such a decent guy that this "saint of a woman" wanted to marry him. I KNOW he's a JERK! The truth "will out" as they say. So frustrating, she and ex "say" she's not trying to be the mom, but their actions tell a different story. I know what you mean about the 2 against 1 thing. My bullying ex has been playing a keep=away game with my kids aver since the divorce. Now he has someone willing to help and that behavior is escalating. It doesn't help that their combined income is like 4X mine. All sorts of trips and treats for the kids. I hope the new starts to wear off soon.
My old country granny used to say, "rise above, honey"... I'm trying by best to do that, to take the high road and set a good example for my girls.
Good luck to you.
Hang in there. Be open with your kids. The jealousy will be there but it will pass, or should I say lessen. My ex would like me to just 'go away' too. He want's to create his 'new family' and pretend the old didn't exist. He wants her to be their mom but has also said she knows she's not, but again, actions show different. She's fighting his battles and stepped in to take over for him. It's hard......I haven't found the magic pill to make that one go away yet......lol.
My kids like her. I want them to be able to voice their lives with me, and I have to chew my tongue off when they talk about the fun things they do. they don't have to parent, they just get to play and it gets to me somedays. Who can't be a great step parent for 4 or 5 days a month? Heck, anyone can be on good behavior that long. the longer stretches of time have proven a bit 'less fun', but they are so infrequent. It's one of those bitter pills you swallow. I'm grateful to have them in my daily life, but I think the sides are totally unequal. One parent playing, is hardly parenting. No rules, no dicipline........and if there is more money adn gift buying going on, that really adds to the sting.
I just keep telling myself that our kids will grow up, figure it out. They'll be adults longer than they are kids and my job is to focus on MY time and what I teach. If I think about their time........it will eat your stomach!
Kids are easily swayed, but I do know they know who their parents are. It's very hard not to enter the crap slinging.........as new SM hammers me over there.
It's hard. Keep some boundaries or you'll go insane. :) Keep some distance, protect your space. Sometimes it's just painful to hear........so don't beat yourself up.
Kids are impressionalbe and if they are forcing or highly encouraging the kids to call her mom and trashing you, you need to address that head on. Being silent doesn't work. That's the start of PAS, a parent acting like the other parent doesn exist. It does damage, so be honest with your kids.........gently.