Update and Thank you
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| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:25pm |
Ok....so I've made it through the 1st week post divorce date. I need to thank you all for your replies. I think sometimes just knowing you aren't the only one who has gone through this is so helpful. To know some one else has done this and now live a happy life. countrygal_mom....Thank you!
A small update, since the divorce he has let me know he is back together with the gal he was with during our split. I dought there ever was a split between the two of them. I am from Montana and if you don't already know, there are lots of small towns that are more like close families. He is not from the same small town I am from. In fact it is clear on the other side of the state and he had never been there until we met. Every Valentines Day we went to a tournement in my small town. Most of my family and friends are in the tournement as well. This year I just couldn't do it. To many memories for now. But guess who is going? YEP....my X and his girlfriend (who also is not from there). I'm so crushed. He wants me to respect his relationship between the two of them but how can I do it when they keep crossing personal boundries. When I ask him this, his reply is that it's a free country and he's free to do as he pleases. But why would he want to do that? And why would she want to go along with it. Am I being foolish by thinking it is hurtful of him to do this? We got in a verbal arguement over the phone about this. I can say I was angry....but under control. I was upset but wasn't raising my voice or attacking him. First he tried getting me for slander because I called his girlfriend a name (wrong...I know, but simpley calling her by her name does not satisfy my hate for her). Then he tried getting a restraing order against me. I am telling you....I didn't even raise my voice w/him. We were on the phone while I was @ work in an office with 5 other woman and they didn't even know we were fighting. One was with in ear shot and heard the entire conversation and when I told her what was going on the next day she was shocked he even thought he could get away with the accusations. His lawyer called me to let me know my x was having an issue. His lawyer (an entire different story but X kept changing divorce agreement in the process and his lawyer almost dropped him) let me know the X had no grounds to go on but after talking with him I (ME) suggested that maybe we should just stay away from each other for awhile. So we are now picking up DD 15 minutes apart from her daycare provider. I feel horrible getting her involved but seemed like a fair way of dealing with the situation. After this was all said and done....the x contacted ME....to let me know what him and his lawyer had decided. Then went on to let me know our dd loves and thinks of his new girlfriend like a mother and how wonderful of a mom she really is. PUSH THE KNIFE A LITTLE DEEPER IN!!!
BUT....I am getting through this. As hard as it is.....as painful and sick I feel....I am getting through this. I have been reminded of all the reasons why I wanted this in the first place. He is not a nice person. I want to find that some one that will respect me and treat me as an equal. I really want to move on past this. I look @ all this and I can't imagine he is ever going to make it easy. I some times think maybe moving away is something I should really look into. I really want a fresh start. I'm horrified to think of myself doing anything w/another man. But maybe if the right one comes along that will change???
Anyway.....Thank you for the support. I needed it. You've given me that little extra push I needed.
~~Hugs~~
Traci

hey traci,
I'm sorry you are going thru this, but
I agree with the CL completely. If you ask him to not go to the fair, that tells him loud and clear exactly what he needs to do to upset you. If you pretend you could care less (I say pretend, because you do care) then he has no motivation to go, and even if he still goes, he won't know he got to you.
About his gf, nobody will ever be your dd's mom except you. You are not replacable, just like he cannot be replaced as her father. His comment was only made to hurt you. You can choose to pretend like it doesn't hurt. Tell him, "I'm so glad she likes her, it would be really hard if they didn't like each other" (and this is true, I know there are posts around here about gf's who are mean to the children). That gives your ex two choices - stop saying things like that because it doesn't have the effect he wanted, or start a more open and honest communication with you. Over time, you will find you no longer have to pretend you don't care about him or the gf, one day you just won't care any more period.
You are welcome!
Hang in there. I wish I could say the worst if over, but for me, it's taken a couple years to work through the anger and the knife comments of my ex's new gf.
It has been harder to deal with another woman messing with my kids than almost my divorce. I was already detached from my ex, had been for some time, but nothing prepared me for the flow of emotion and the depth of the emotion of seeing another woman attempt to step into my shoes and then laugh at the hurt that was caused. It lessens and if you can, even though your brain doesn't believe it right now..........just keep telling yourself 'she's irrelevant' to my life....because truthfully, she is. I know she's 'in their life', but when push comes to shove and the 'new' wears off, you kids will settle into a pattern. You have to come to peace with the fact there is a part of your childs life you have no control over in many ways. You can keep your child safe, but you can't do much about the million other pain in the butt things or the environment or who is in their life on their dad's time. You have to redefine your role as 'you'. Hopefully for your sake (as you choke it down), you will be grateful if she is good to your kids. That's what is important but I never did wake up full of glee that my children had a step mother. I have tried very hard to find something to be grateful for! I think you get to a place you can appreciate things, unless she's a wench on wheels, and at best, you can show both your ex and her you are 'fine'. You may fall apart after the painful times of having to be at functions together, you may fall apart and not be able to get pictures out of your mind of your child hugging and kissing her when they pick them up or 100 other ones..........there's nothing 'natural' about it. I've yet to find anything that expresses the gut wrenching and twist of emotions that go with processing another woman in your kids lives and if the knives are being dug in, it's even harder.
I was a stayed at home mom, my kids were my life and you take for granted that no one messes (or will mess) with that..........until you divorce and a GF or a step mom is introduced. You have to come to grips with a LOT of emotions. Loss of control, primal urges to protect, anger, hurt...........the list is long. One of the blessings of divorce though, if you'll allow it, is learning to let them go and finding out that you are an individual again. Your kids need you to let them go. They need to be able to have experiences that are possibly painful for you, but not for them. It redefines your role. It allows you to let them leave and know they will have a portion of their life you will not share in. Experiences that are thiers alone. It's their lives and it's hard to know you won't be in ALL of it and that they will share some intimate moments with someone else that represents your role. God bless the women that are detached enough to go through that without a hitch......I found it enlightening and rewarding and the hardest thing I've had to do!
Get out and do something. Don't stay home, distract yourself. I'm telling you, that will save your fanny! Get a journal and write all the hateful, swearing, mean things you feel. It sounds simplistic, but it will purge you...........for the moment.
Go buy the book, Custody Chaos, Personal Peace. Focus on your peace because you can only control YOU. that's a huge learning curve in the post divorce months. You are in shock he can be so cruel...........but you have to get over that. He doesn’t care and you are wasting precious time in YOUR life, still giving him your time, your thoughts. The last two posts were great. There comes a time in the process you have to focus more ahead than behind. It will get easier. there are a few 1st you'll have to walk through that may wrench you in places you didn't even know existed and leave you tilting your head like what in the heck is wrong with me.......with this picture..........how do I make sense out of something that feels so wrong? You don't. You walk through it, you show them you are strong, not broken and don't need him and if you need to, you fall apart after the phone hangs up, after the door is shut. You get out of the house, you take a bath, your cry, you write, you go buy a new outfit, you exercise (I was amazed at how much hostility that got out). You give yourself permission to feel it......realize you are choosing to let him steel another moment of your FUTURE, when you'd already given him too much of the past, it hurts like hell...........and you move forward. It WILL pass. You learn to detach and you spend less time in the 'down' time. Time heals, but you have to help. Pay attention to your thoughts. Change them. Literally, intervene with a saying, like (even if you are yelling it) "I let this go" or " they are irrelevant to my happiness and new life". Eventually....you believe it and the knives will only cut a little, then not so much at all because you'll be okay. What you think about, you bring about.........so bring out the new life you'd like. You can't fix yesterday and you can't be in his life anymore.
My biggest lesson was that I CARED.........about what was lost, that the kids were hurting, that I was hurting and that I gave 15 years of my life to someone that threw it away and went on without much of a beat. You need to get to a place where you realize...HE DOESN'T care. You give him satisfaction when you argue. It tells him you are miserable, and he got you. Put on the happy face (which is the hardest thing you'll do). Go to somewhere else in your head and fall apart out of sight. Don't give him that satisfaction. You get strengh when you hold your own in the hard moments. KNOW that you might be falling apart right now, but someday you'll not be and you will truly care much less than you are. Feel it, walk through it......but don't hold it or it steals your life. Picking your battles is the hardest line to find. My mom told me....."living well is the best revenge" and once I started to disengage and initially ACTED like I could have cared less.......my ex's face kind of tweaked, then I became a _itch and cold hearted according to him. I knew I'd won that 'moment'. I still get VERY angry at myself for me ALLOWING him to steal a moment. I still have times when I am angry for a couple days, when I've alloed him to steal time from my new relationship, my life, my sleep and that's MY FAULT! He's a jerk and he's going to be a jerk until he dies likely. That's why I left. Getting to a place where you expect nothing, is a great place to be and I'm there more than I was in the beginning. His GF caused huge problems and the angrier I got, the more he smiled with his sick little smirk. He knew I got him. The more I ranted, the more he got a pay off. the more I cared, the more he coudl hurt me. The more I gave, the more opportunity he had to throw it back in my face. So now.........I stay composed and fall apart after if I need to. But I fall apart MUCH less than I used to.
Be kind to yourself, feel it but DO NOT STAY THERE. Don't give him that power over your life.
Get out. I had a boyfriend a couple weeks before him (well, he had one while we were married, but this was a new one). That was distracting. I had a friend that we went out and hung........I started to REALLY enjoy being single, having some free time and being in control of my time, my space, the music I played. When the kids are gone, it was and is still sometimes tainted by a cloud, but that's getting better too. Just remember it won't happen overnight. I've been separated for almost 3 years, remarried for just over a year. Life resumes but there is 'stuff' that still happens. He still tries to push my buttons, glare and make even the smallest of things difficult. I've only succeeded my taking back my life when I STOPPED responding, blocked him from my email, took control of my environment, the phone calls and put up some boundaries. A man told me, "you teach people how to treat you.....so teach them a different way".
Nothing will take the hurt away. You have to be proactive and change your thoughts and change your reactions. You can, eventually, change a lot just through changing how you react to him. Take away his pleasure. Know what you'll fight for. I eventually went to court for contempt because his GF wouldn't allow me or my children to call on 'his' time. I recorded some very, not so flattering conversations. I was calm, she was just mean. I fell apart after I hung up. I've never been so angry in my life!!!! But.....once she knew I had the recordings and went the trouble of filing contempt, she backed way off. Know what battles you can win..........you can't win the small ones, not usually. You aren't in control of his life. You have to cut the cord between the two of you. The divorce decree is JUST THE START. A piece of paper is hardly confirmation to your heart and life that something is terminated. It takes time, but you can help it along with your choices. Take one day at a time. One call, one circumstance. Don't future trip, think about 'this moment'.
Hang in there. This is the grueling part. He's not your husband any longer. He doesn't care.........so don't make yourself look like the weak one. You have strength to do this. You aren't doing it for him.........it's 100% about YOU......which will also trickle down to your child. Anger will rip your life apart, give you ulcers and anxiety attacks, yet it can also fuel the changes you need to make. Use it wisely. Stop yourself in the middle of a bad moment and decide how much time you'd like him to steal from you today? He's not even there and yet is still controlling your day..........man that ticks me off when I do that!!!!! ;)
"they are irrelevant"...........go get that book. It's all about YOUR PEACE!!!
Sorry this is so long. I hate hearing someone is in this space......it's hard, but it does get better!
You are my ANGLE! Thank you so much. I am going to go get that book tonight. I've toke a couple of lines of your advise and posted them on my phone. I need to be reminded not to give him another second to see me hurt ever again.
Thank you!
You can do it gal! Feel free to email if you're feeling weak! God knows we all have those 'moments'.
laycem@msn.com