She is better off without her father...
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She is better off without her father...
| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 4:00pm |
Some of you know me when I posted on here about my divorce. My Ex is supposed to be moving in with his girlfriend out of state. I read all these advice books, etc about how my DD needs her father in her life....but what happens when you know in your heart she is better off without him and the abuse that surrounds him. No, he never abused her, but he did abuse me and he is suffering from mental illness that goes untreated. I was awarded sole custody and he has supervised visitation (one of my family members must be present). There is also a restraining order against him from taking DD out of state. He pays child support but only because it is taken right out of his check, if he had to do this on his own, I wouldn't see a dime. Everytime he calls, he verbally abuses me and tells me that DD will know 'the truth' when she grows up and that she will hate me for leaving him and that he will have custody, etc. The more I try to be civil the crazier he gets.
So I guess my question is how do I continue to protect her? Should I document his infrequent visits? Should I tape phone calls (it is legal for me to do so)? I would ask a lawyer these questions, but I can't afford one more dime towards it, I still owe the lawyer money.
So I guess my question is how do I continue to protect her? Should I document his infrequent visits? Should I tape phone calls (it is legal for me to do so)? I would ask a lawyer these questions, but I can't afford one more dime towards it, I still owe the lawyer money.

I think there must be some books out there about this type of situation. IMHO a child is better off seeing for themselves that one of their parents is an a***ole. If she is completely sheltered from him she will idealize him. This is because all children need their parents, and if one is absent then they cling to the image they create in their own minds. If they don't have first hand evidence the parent is a jerk, the always give the benefit of the doubt.
My father was a slight danger to me and my sister. He was addicted to drugs (he promised my mom he wouldn't in front of us, but he lied). My little sister and I visited him for 2 months every summer. When I was 11 he killed himself. I have huge abandonment issues from his choice to end his life, which I saw as a complete and total abandonment of me. It took me 7 years to accept he killed himself because he didn't leave a note, and I always told my mom that my dad would have left me a note to say goodbye because he loved me, so it must have been an accident. In adulthood, I was finally able to see him for who he was, becasue I saw the drugs, and I know he destroyed himself long before his final act.
I agree you have to keep her safe, and supervised visitation is best. If you can, document enough to keept he visits supervised. I think that is the best solution, she has some contact with him but it's safe for her.
there is not one answer. i can tell you that 15 years ago, when i got divorced from my first husband (DS's father) i felt the same way. my ex is nuts, to put it mildly, he is violent and there were many many issues that i can't even go into. anyway, i felt the same way - he is better off without his father. and i wanted to fight it - and the advice that i got then was that his father will probably stop seeing him on his own anyway. which is of course what happened.
now - this is the thing. you and i may think that our kids are better off without A$$hole dads in their lives.
therapists will say that, no matter what, the child NEEDS that relationship with the person who is their bio-parent.
I can tell you that what is important to me NOW in hindsight, that *I* was not the one who did anything to jepordize the relationship. my son knows, 100%, that I am his mom, and no matter what - i have always been there for him. that his DAD is the one who abandened him - and there was nothing that i did or could've done to change that - one way or another.
i can also tell you this: no matter how crazy his dad is - i AM sorry that they don't have SOME KIND of relationship because the way things stand now my son, who is now 18