How to handle when kids are involved.
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| Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:32am |
First off I want to thank all of you, those who have responded to my posts and those who have made their own posts on these boards. You guys have helped me alot.
My concern is my ex and I have a two yr old son and I really want to do what's right. Because of my anger that he doesnt want to be with me the way that honors me I dont want to keep him from our son. I know that isnt right.
Honestly, though, the thought of him having this new girl he is seeing around our son is burning a whole in my heart. I'm so jealous and its killing me. I realize that for him still sleeping with me he cant be serious about me or her for that matter so I should be able to just say to hell with him and walk away and be glad I got rid of him right. I asked him if she knew what was going on between me and him and he said no. He tells her nothing. So he has learned nothing from the hurt & pain he caused me. He is still using me. How can I still be stuck on him. My mind says he is a loser. My heart is still holding on to that person I fell in love with hoping he will be that person again.
I cant believe Im actually jealous. Did any of you experince this. Maybe Im crazy or something. So my question is because we do have a child together in cases where our son gets sick for example, do I notify my ex or just handle it as though Im a single mom. I know I have to set boundaries. Where do I draw the line.
Oh by the way did I mention that when I kicked him out he moved in with the woman he was cheating on me with. He has gotten her pregnant (7 months along) and he left her, moved in with his grandmother and is now seeing this other girl that he had around our son. Can you imagine this sickness. I really am starting to think I need counseling or something to discover why I allow this man to still be in my life. I just so beaten by all this. Seems like no way out.

You definitely need counseling. A lot of us benefit from counseling even when we aren't struggling with as much as you have going on. Yes, get counseling. ASAP. That will help you sort this out more than you can ever know. My advice is go for a PhD and someone who works with relationship/family/divorce counseling. I have learned a lot about myself in therapy, and it has proven so useful in my relationship with my current bf as well as in dealing with my ex.
One thing you will need to try to do is separate what you are feeling from what your child is feeling. Your child does not and will never feel the hurt or anger towards one of his dad's gf's that you will feel. If he likes the gf, he should never know it jabs you in the heart. He needs to see and feel your love, not your anger. Try to see the situation from your son's perspective when it comes to co-parenting with your ex.
IMHO, you should always let the other parent know what is going on with the child, unless doing so is destructive for the child (for example, if you know telling him about a dr. appt will cause him to show up and disrupt the appt and tell the doctor he will not agree to any treatment for his son and then the whole thing will end up in court, well then you've got bigger issues). My guess is that in your case you are thinking of acting as a single mom (cutting your ex out) because you are hurt and you are struggling to make a clean break from your ex. That is not good. You need to set boundaries which include not sleeping with your ex, but healthy co-parenting boundaries do not mean you keep important information about your child from the other parent.
you need to get to counseling first of all for YOU. you are still sleeping with your ex - while he is sleeping with someone else. and NO, just because he is sleeping with both of you( and who knows who else he is sleeping with for that matter), it doesn't me he is seriouw about EITHER OF YOU. he is serious
When our kids are involved.... things take on a whole new dimension....
I truly feel that if YOU are being the best mom that you can be.... you'll ALWAYS be "mom" no matter who your EX has in his life.... and also, many times I've seen dad's that weren't the best husbands.... but turned out to be pretty good fathers.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~