When does it stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
When does it stop?
5
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 10:16pm

My husband of 17 years is finally moving out Monday (yes, Valentine's Day). He informed me this last December that he had been unhappy for the past two years and was no longer in love with me, just cared about me. Went through all the holidays and my bd in January trying to keep it together for the kids. Just found out he is seeing another woman who is married with three little ones. They are "in love" and plan on, when she gets her divorce, getting married. Going through hell right now. Every commercial with a man and woman (even the Cialis commercial), lol, makes me cry. Every song, every restaurant, every place we went together makes me break down in gut-wrenching sobs. Can't eat, can't sleep, having a hard time functioning for my children.

Does this particular level stop at some point? Is it better when they are actually not in the home? I can't imagine that right now, but is that a possibility? I hope so. I want to believe that so much!!

I got into his email and am reading his emails from his gf. I KNOW THAT IS WRONG. It's like I can't help myself. I keep trying not to look anymore, but it's like I can't make myself quit. Each time I do I feel like I am going to die. Don't understand that compulsion. Like I want to know every sordid detail. Want to know how long, every horrible detail. HOW STUPID IS THAT??

Please, someone who has gone through this, please tell me it gets better. I feel like dying right now. I still love him, but wonder if I am creating an ideal relationship because I feel in competition right now. In actuality, I wasn't attracted to him when we were married, but felt a comfortable love for him. Does that make sense?

Okay, going to stop now. Thank you. These boards have helped some already. Hate that anyone has to go through this kind of pain, but glad I am not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 10:59pm

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. My husband told me we were through in October and it has been a very difficult road to walk. I can't say for sure, but I can speak from where I am right now and that is that it does get easier. I don't cry everyday. I can usually keep it together for several days or maybe a few weeks at a time before I lose it. When I get down, I call my very supportive girlfriends or my sister. It doesn't totally take the lonliness away, but they are good for a laugh.

I too had a cumpulsion to go through my husbands e-mails and stuff he left at the house. I still want to look through things sometimes, but I am pretty much passed that . Once I made him leave the house I seemed to calm down in that area. It doesn't mean I don't want to know all the sordid details and what is going on in his new "friendship" I just need to focus on keeping me together for my daughter. When I was obsessed with looking through his stuff it seemed to bring me down more. I don't know when I stopped wanting to look it just happened.

I am not much farther into this than you, but I know from where I sit it does feel better today than it it two months ago. I am starting a divorce recovery workshop in a few weeks and I am really excited. Okay, I am as excited as one can be going to a divorce workshop, but I hope it will have some good advice and I hope to meet some new people. I also would be lost without my therapist. She has done wonders for me. Maybe look into counseling or a support group. Whatever you decide, stand strong and hug your kids every chance you get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 12:01am

Thank you so much for your post. I felt such guilt and confusion over wanting to know all the horrible details, even when I knew without a doubt it was more hurtful. Is that a woman thing? Really makes no sense when you stop and think about it.

I'm glad you are doing much better and glad to hear after they move out it seems to settle down and get better. I'm hoping for that very much.

Thanks again and the very best of luck to you as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 2:32am

hugs... yes it does stop at some point. i don't know when - its different for each of us. we sometimes need some time to feel really bad and low and then, as my son says "you get to a point that's so low - that you can only go up from there".


here are some ideas - first - take some time to cry and yell and scream - not too much time. then - pick yourself up and MOVE ON. physically FORCE yourself. you will feel bad, you will feel like a pot ready to boil over, you will run crying in the bathroom - but you will also be OUT THERE and MOVING ON.


stop letting him control your life! take all that energy you have been putting into feeling lousy, and looking up his emails - and use that energy on YOU. go to a yoga class, get your hair done, go to an art gallery, try some vigerous exercise.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 6:39am

Hi-

i'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. it must be hard & it must hurt like hell. what you are doing or feeling is not stupid. he was married to you and made vows to you.

i went through the same thing with my ex. he swears and even to this day that he had always been faithful to me, but i guess that doesn't really matter anymore (we just finalized our divorce a few days ago), but at the time i couldn't understand what was happening or couldn't accept the fact that he just stopped loving me. i figured there had to be a good explaination or there had to be someone else. i suspected everyone he smiled at or anyone he spoke to, families, friends, etc...i felt like a fool. i was insecure and started losing my confidence.

we were married for 10 yrs & our son was 2 yrs old at the time. one day he just started treating me badly and with less and less respect even in front of others. he made little hints...if i talked about making plans for vacations he would say "why, who knows what will happen by summer time?"; even his love making was different and degrading at times. it was like being with a stranger. i was too stupid to realize what was going on at the time; his love making was to belittle me, to make me feel like the whore/bitch that i was. the harder i tried the worse he treated me. after a few months of being treated like this, i finally dragged it out of him. he told me he didn't love me anymore, he couldn't stand the sight of me or being in the same room with me, or even speak to me. i felt my heart stopped and i couldn't breath. his feelings changed from one extreme to the next within one summer. it was the most horrible thing i've ever been through in my life. to know that the face looking at you once looked at you with such love now looked at you with so much hate. i didn't cry for days or months. i wailed and mourned for years.

when i finally realized that i was a faithful wife, a good mother, i worked full-time and took good care of the house and the family, i stopped feeling sorry for myself. i started taking care of myself. i went back to school and now i'm a design intern for a big corporation; i will also be getting my BA this fall. (when i first told my ex i was going to be a fashion designer he laughed, look who's laughing now)...what ever happens, don't ever lose yourself, stay strong and be there for your kids. they need you more than ever. my son was my pillar of strength, without him to lead and guide me, i would be lost. despite everything, i still love my ex, BUT i know that what i love was what we had and the boy that i was married to; not the man that he's become.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 2:38pm

My heart breaks when I read your post. My husband hasn't treated me that badly, but you're right, it is horrible to look into the face that once looked at you with such love and either see hate, disgust, or just absolutely nothing.

You should be so proud of what you have accomplished. You're right, you have had the last laugh. More importantly, you found your inner strength. Thank you for the advice, all of you. He moves out tomorrow and I am going to allow myself to continue to scream, cry and feel this pain for today. I will leave early in the morning so I won't be here when he leaves, but after I come home, it will be my time to pick myself up and be ready to move forward. I really think once he is out of the home it will be a relief and things will get better. I hope so anyway.

Does anybody else HATE Valentine's Day in here? Used to love it. Now everytime I see a VD commercial I want to explode!! lol

Thank you all. I feel so much better when I come in here. Good luck to all.