Would You Trust Him Again?
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| Sun, 02-13-2005 - 12:04am |
I am brand new to chat rooms so please forgive me if I don't have the "lingo" down.
I've been reading some of the postings in the hope to get some direction. Let me give some background. My H and I lived together 7 years before marrying. So in all we have been together 14 years. Last year we started trying to have a baby our doctor recommended invitro. We started the process and mid November the fertilized eggs were inserted and we would find out if it was successful the beginning of December.
The next night (when I should have been stress free) I found emails showing that my H had had a rendevouz (when he was suppose to be on a business trip) with his ex girlfriend whom he had been communcating with as a friend(at least thats what he told me). It was a horrible shock and I was devastated especially since during the first year we were together he had a "fling" with this same ex. I later found a one way car rental reservation and confronted him. He said he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage so we started counciling the Monday after thanksgiving. The first session went well so we decided on making it a regular Monday routine. All the while I could be pregnant.
We found out that Friday that the invitro was unsuccessful and I can not help but wonder if the stress was a factor. My H was very understanding and we did discuss it in therapy the following Monday.
He dropped me off at work on Tuesday since he was taking my car for a tune up. I kissed him and he said I love you. He was to pick me up at six. He never showed. I called his cel and he said he was running late that he needed other hour. I waited and after an hour called again. This time he said he left the car in the parking lot cuz he and his friend were going out for a drink. I found my car at the back of the parking lot and drove home in total fear. When I drove up I could tell something was wrong. All the lights were on. When I opened the front door it looked like we had been robbed. On the messy kitchen table there was a brief note along with his wedding ring that stated he did love me but as a friend not as a wife.
He had packed only the stuff he wanted (and of any value) and driven away. I did find another rental reservation made the morning of our first MT session which means that everything he had done and said during those sessions were all a lie. A ploy to keep me pacified while he made his plans, resigning from his job, emptying the bank account etc...
I have been in a severe depression ever since. I have been going to therapy and I have been filling my days with those things that need to be done. But I have to admit I still love the SOB.
In the last few weeks my H has contacted me about reconciling. He is living with the ex somewhere on the west coast (I am on the east). He says he misses me that he was wrong for doing what he did. He says he is going to therapy to work through his issues.
Can our relationship be salvaged?

No way. I am so sorry but I really doubt it. He will keep lying. I would run away as far and as fast as you can.
Good luck!!
welcome ! and don't worry about getting the lingo -you are doing fine.
first of all, i wanted to say how sorry i am about the IVF failing. I don't if the stress had anything to do with it or not - i DO know that IVF *in general* has a very high failure rate (one of those details that they sometimes fail to tell you) and it has NOTHING To do with stress, its just a very challenging procedure. my feeling is, that when its going to happen, it will happen. my sister went thru 13 years of trying before she was able to give birth (NATURALLY!!!!!) to three beautiful children.
now - as to your husband. you ask "Can our relationship be salvaged?" and the answer is - it depends what you mean when you say "our relationship". sure, *this* relationship can be salvaged - i.e., you and he can get back together, and he will continue to cheat on you while enjoying the status of *being married*, and you can continue to either turn a blind eye, or continue to grow angrier and more hurt and frustrated, or just live YOUR own life, while BOTH OF YOU enjoy the status of "being married".
if you mean - can my husband and I EVER reach the point of the kind of marriage that *I* consider acceptable, i.e., a loving supportive spouse who would never cheat or lie? sorry, but doubtful. your husband doesn't want that. if he did ----- he wouldn't be calling you FROM HIS GFs HOUSE! he would be down on his knees begging your forgiveness, he would be IN THERAPY ALREADY not just talking about it. he is a liar - so he is doing his best to keep you *his* by telling you exactly what you want to hear. look at his actions - not his words. he has ALREADY PROVEN TO YOU what a good liar he is.
honey -i have btdt. my second husband was a world class liar. (probably the only thing he excelled at lol). you need to ACCEPT him AS IS. can you?
Wow, what a story!
Hugs to you.....
I am so sorry you went through this. Sounds to me like it has been a long time coming.
Can trust be rebuilt, yes. It is hard and will take some time, added stress on an already stressful relationship. I guess you really have to decide if you love him or the man he has become. The person you married would not do this to you... he has changed and something happened to make him that way. You have to know that you should find out what happened and work with that, whether it means leaving the situation or taking him back.
If it were me ( and it was just over a year ago, except I was pregnant with our second child ) I would not want him back. The person who left me was not the person I fell in love with and married. We were together for almost 7 years and I never saw it coming. It took me a long time to realize I wouldn't want him back, I couldn't trust him. He had hurt me and my 2 children. That is unforgivable. I love him, yes.... but I can't be with someone who left his family to be with someone else. I owe it to me and my kids to be happy.
I would strongly suggest some "you" counceling. You have to talk to someone about you and make sure you take care of you. I made the mistake of not taking care of me when my H left and it just made things all the harder. One day I woke up and said WAIT! I can't do this.... I have my kids to take care of and now I am taking care of me. For the first time in 8 years I am ok. I am taking care of me, the depression is gone, I am eating right and excersising and my kids are happy.
I hope I have helped even a little.... I hate that anyone has to go through this stuff. I wish we could look in our crystal ball upon meeting someone to see if they are "the one" that we think they are....
Hugs to you sweetie and hang in there.
Angelena
Thanks for all the kind words. The support is greatly appreciated.
I know that his actions speak louder than his words. But should I just give up? I feel like such a failure!! I keep thinking that I should have done this or that ....
Three months ago I was ready to start a family with a man I thought wanted the same things. Its as if he has been replaced with an evil twin.
I definitely know what you mean about feeling like a failure... you feel like if you don't fight you are letting yourself down... I understand, except idk if you have kids, but I still feel like I let my kids down, even though I fought like heck. I feel like I failed them.
I think that what we go through makes us stronger. God would not give us anything we can't handle.... ( I am not a religious person by any means but I believe that 100% )
I do think that time will tell... work on YOU. Forget about worrying about him.
Giving up, no... moving on, yes. Failure, no.... you would only fail if you allowed yourself to be exposed to that situation again.
Hugs to you and I am here if you ever need to talk.
foster_angelena@yahoo.com