Its long, but please read

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Its long, but please read
5
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 4:00pm

Whew! Where do I start? I sure hope someone out there could give me some insight or feedback on my current situation. My husband and I have been together since we were sixteen. We are now 32, and have been married for 9 years. We have a 5 year old son that means the world to us and lights up the world for everyone around him. For the last sixteen years, we have grown together, grown apart, and grown together again many times. We have been through so many life phase changes together...me going to college and grad school, the death of both of our fathers, living apart for the first couple of years we were married and I was in grad school, living apart while he worked out of state for two years and came home only once a month.

We have gone through times where he questioned whether he wanted to be married anymore, and had romantic interests in another woman. He never pursued them, and chose to stay in the marriage and try to fall in love with me again. A couple years after this, when he was working out of state, he signed up for a couple online dating services, apparently just to boost his ego hoping someone would respond. He is an incredibly handsome man, a "stunner" so to speak, with a really low self image and low self-esteem. These were extrememly hurtful times for me, and I fought real hard to save the marriage. We went to counseling, which really didn't seem to help other than the message we sent each other that we were both in it together and that the committment was there.

That is one side of our story. What he hasn't known in our marriage, and I have had plenty of opportunities to tell him, is that I have had feelings for another man since we were all in high school together. I will call him John. Since we were in the 6th grade, I had this incredible connection with John, a connection that I have never really been able to explain. I was always aware that John was in love with me forever, but I had too much pride to date him in high school when he asked me. You see, in our extremely small class of 40, he wasn't one of the "popular" ones, and my husband really was. For our junior and senior year, I really didn't talk to him much because my husband in his jealous youth didn't like it, and I wanted to make him happy. I resented him a little for it, but never expressed this resentment.

Once I got into college and realized that there was such a thing as a platonic relationship, I reconnected with John. My husband was aware of it, and was finally mature enough to accept the friendship. What my husband doesn't know is that we spent hours on end talking to one another on the phone, talking how things might have been if we were together. He was the type of guy that I could go for a couple years without talking to, and when we finally talked it was like no time had passed. We could finish each others sentences and understand what each other was feeling with a simple sigh. This turned into several pretty heated make-out sessions during my undergrad career, but we were both under the understanding that each of us was in a relationship with someone else, so that it couldn't go anywhere. I have never been much of a kisser, but his kiss reached a part of me that no one has ever reached, and has been able to reach since. It reached my soul. Whenever we were together it was like this.

After about a year in grad school I got married. I said yes to my husband's proposal, because I had no logical reason (as far as he knew) to say no. This was probably the most opportune moment for me to spill the beans about my feelings for someone else, but I was so afraid of hurting him. On my wedding day, I locked eyes with John as I was walking down the aisle, and it killed me to see the tears rolling down his cheeks. Even on that day that I pledged myself to another I was torn between two men. We danced that night for the first time ever, and I joked with him to quit looking down my wedding dress, and I am sorry to say that the dance with him is one of the strongest memories about my wedding night. This is simply not the way things should be, and I am aware of this.

After I got married, the boundaries between John and I were clearly up, and the conversations about us being together stopped. He finally got to a point where he accepted my marriage, was happy for me, and believed that my husband would provide a good life for me. After a couple years like this, I thought our friendship had been completely platonic, and I asked him to spend a week with me in Canada to be a field assistant to some research I was doing. He was really a last resort. My husband had gone with me a couple times, and he could not make it this time. He was grateful to John for being able to help me out. We were up there with a large group of people, so it wasn't like any of us anticipated there would be any opportunity for us to connect on a level more than friendship. We were so wrong. John and I became intimate with one another several times in Canada. My feelings for him were so strong that I was willing to leave my husband, who I rarely saw anyway. We lived 300 miles apart.

After this trip and my willingness to leave my husband, John turned me down, because he really thought my husband would provide a better life for me, and he was also involved with a woman he shared a son with. This completely broke my heart. I went back to grad school that fall, and had such problems with depression and anxiety that I was put on medication. My husband didn't really understand what was happening with me. He though I was just grieving my dad. I made a tape of songs that reminded me of John, and would lay on my apartment floor each night listening and crying. I have never been the same since. Seven years later, I am still riddled with depression and anxiety.

This summer, John's relationship dissolved with the woman he "shared" a son with when she told him one day that the boy was not his. He was devastated, and I was right there to pick up the pieces. After seven years, the flame rekindled instantly, and subconsiously I think I saw my opportunity with him and wasn't about to walk away from him. I pursued him, he encouraged me to talk to my husband. He had the moral dilema between being involved with a married woman, and getting involved with someone he has loved dearly his whole life...his lifelong dream is how he describes me. I pursued him some more, explaining the rough spots in our marriage that I am not sure I ever really recovered from, and he finally gave in. I convinced him, and really believed, that my husband and I were not meant to be together....that I made the wrong choice earlier in life.

Life at home was really stagnant, and I felt that my husband and I were just coexisting. I thought he felt the same way. My time together with John was like a dream. I felt alive again, like I did before I needed the anti-depressants. For the first time since our trip to Canada I felt like myself again. The person that was full of passion and simply loved life for what it was. For seven years I felt numb, like I was just trodding along from day to day in my life, without much passion for anything except my son.

I decided to come clean to my husband and told him everything. The lies, the college phone conversations, the making out, the trip to canada, and what happened this summer. I was convinced he really didn't care about me anymore, and expected him to say we were finished. I think I was hoping that he would say we were finished. He completely surprised me when he said he forgave me and John, loved me with the same passion I was feeling for John at the moment, and would do anything to make our marriage work. It put me in a tailspin, so confused. I decided to try and make it work, and for 5 months tried to get John out of my head and rekindle something with my husband. This has been so hard for me, because my husband has developed this newfound faith in god, and is constantly telling me that I am a sinner, and is reading Bible verses to me. This is from a man who has been to church for only funerals and weddings since the day I have known him. I do not even recognize him anymore, and this behavior has done nothing but push me away. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, and have a strong Christian faith. While he is rubbing it in my face that it is wrong for me to have feelings for another man, I am feeling it was more wrong to keep secrets and feelings from him for so many years.

I have lived with the guilt of these secrets, and finally came to a point in my life where I wanted to no longer have secrets. I wanted to follow my heart, and attain the happiness I feel I deserve. Plus I feel that my husband deserves to be with someone who can give him 100 percent. I reached a point in my relationship with John where I feel there is no turning back. I cannot walk away from this, I feel that it is where I am meant to be. I truly feel that John is my soulmate, and the connection between him and I is so incredibly strong. A way I have never felt for my husband, or anyone else for that matter. So, I am at a crossroads. Do I stay in a marriage for my son and because it is the "Christain" thing to do, and live my life unfulfilled and incomplete, hiding my feelings for John? Or do I follow my heart and live a life of truthfulness, with no hiding emotions? John and I have been connected on a higher level for the last 20 years. I am having a hard time with the idea of walking away from this, even while knowing it will destroy my family and devastate my husband. Please offer some insight. I am so lost right now.
Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 4:41pm
What I have to say is from the other side of the fence. Maybe my story will help you. My husband and I have been married for 14 yrs. All I ever heard from him was how he would never cheat on me, etc..... Well 2 days before Thanksgiving in 2003 (his entire family was coming for dinner) he tells me he cheated on me: not once, but twice during the years we've been together. After much heartache, anger, etc.., I decided I could forgive him. He said he only admitted the affairs to me because he knew I was unhappy in our marriage and that I always needed a reason to do something. Well, I realize now, over a year later, that he was hoping I would leave him back then. He didn't do me the favor of being honest....he just wanted me to be the one to leave because it was actually him that was unhappy. I can see all of this now that he abruptly moved out 1 month ago and straight into another woman's house. He has deserted our marriage and our 4 daughters.
I tell you all of this so that you might realize the reasons for your actions. If you are truly unhappy, go ahead and end your marriage. Ultimately, if you're not happy, it won't matter what your husband does to try to make you happy. Don't continue the sufferring that neither you nor your husband deserve.
Take care and I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 5:57pm
I agree with the previous poster. If you can't be faithful, get a divorce. My ex-H left my son and I for the OW he had gotten pregnant - his "soulmate." Funny thing is - I guess they really weren't because he now has moved out and lives in a tiny apartment - now he has "nomate." If you think the grass is greener by all means try it and let your H find someone whom he can trust.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:31am

I think it sounds like you know divorce is the right answer for you. But I caution you to divorce because you made a mistake in marrying your husband, not because you want to be with John. You have a lot of hopes and dreams wrapped up in your idea of a life with John, but life doesn't always work out the way you plan. You need to know in your heart that even if you don't end up with John, you made the right decision in leaving your marriage.

My only concern is whether you and John live near each other now. It sounds like you and your husband have a good basis to build a co-parenting relationship and put your child first, making sure that he continues to share his life with both his parents in a positive way. But you mentioned once that John lived far away. If being with John means moving and taking your son away from his father, then that is putting your desires way above your son's best interests, and that would be a horrible choice.

The last bit of advice is that divorce is not an easy or a quick process. You will need to break down your marriage and rebuild a co-parenting relationship with your husband, and that takes time and a lot of effort. If you are going to leave your marriage, your focus needs to be landing on your own two feet (not in John's arms) for the sake of your child, and ensuring that your son is able to handle the transition to having divorced parents. Once you have accomplished that, then you can turn your focus to a relationship with John.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:49pm

My husband and I went to school with John, and we all live within a few miles of each other. As of now, I have moved out of my home, and am staying with my mom. Our son spends most of the time with me, but he sees his dad for one or two hours each day and spends one or two nights a week with him. He is having a hard time with the situation, and I can tell he is trying to stay strong to make us happy. Both of us remind him that if he feels like crying, or feels sad, that it is ok. And it is OK to talk about the situation if he wants, but we are not bringing the issue up anymore than he seems comfortable.

My counselor knows how torn I am about this decision, and suggested I take some time to find myself and land on my own two feet. I have told both my husband and John this, and my contact with both of them has been mimimal. Even though I have lived on my own while I was in grad school, and while my husband worked out of state, I need to rebuild some independence and confidence to make the right decisions in my life. Minimal contact with both of them has been very challenging, and sometimes I cave in and call John, especially if I am real upset about something, but I am really trying hard to keep to myself and our son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:31pm
Phew! My 1st thuought is "the grass isnt always greener ..." but you seem to know John well enough that you are convinced you are right for eachother. I am not "for" divorce, especially when children are involved .. but it sounds liek you really are NOT in love with your H & I cant see you being even close to happy staying married to him forever. But i worry that you are depressed & unhappy, & may be expecting John to cure all of that. Just be sure HE is what you really want ... b/c you woudl be giving up a lot. But then again, your H w/ the sinner stuff ... i just dont know. THAT sure inst giong to help you love him more! Good luck - have you been to therapy? That may be beneficial. R~

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