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| Mon, 02-14-2005 - 5:12pm |
Has this happened to anyone else out there? I'm posting here even though we weren't legally married. We have been friends for 10 years and together for over 6. We've been married except for that little piece of paper. Here comes my situation/questions --
My new ex has been depressed for several years. Before Thanksgiving I had had enough and made him an appointment to see a psychiatrist. He wanted medicine, so we went. He sees a therapist also for the couseling and the dr. for the meds. He started taking Cymbalta and then added Welbutrin. Things were starting to look up for him and us. He stopped playing video games all night, started getting on a more regular sleep schedule, starting exercising and losing weight, even started talking about going back to finish school. We were still going through a hard time because in his eyes I suddenly couldn't do anything right. I work full time and am getting another degree, so that keeps me pretty busy.
He works second shift and I usually ate with him on my free evenings. I went to meet him and we went to our favorite near-by restuarant where he proceded to tell me he needed space. He did not want to break up with me, just needed space. The next week he ignored me. We work opposite schedules, so except for the weekend, it was easier than it sounds. Then, a week later he decided he wanted to be single. He said he was scared for the first time that he would cheat on me and he didn't want to do that.
He's still living here. Our finances are very tied together. That is a different subject which should keep me up at night, but I'm so exhausted by 9 pm, I usually fall into bed. He still sleeps in our bed and he asked if he could stay through March.
I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of resources here. I don't know if I should push for us to go to counseling.
I went out of town for the weekend and he wasn't here when I got home. I went to bed and he woke me up when he got in to talk. He told me about his weekend -- and his messing around (he said kissing only) some girl he met at a party or bar. I like having him around -- I don't want us to be over, but it's not up to me.
I thought we've always had a good relationship, and he's said the same. He's told me several times that he knows he might be making a mistake. So why is he doing this? Why aren't we going to counseling? Why isn't he giving it a chance. He wants to change everything in his life in one month and I seem to be a part of it. Now he keeps saying how much he loves being my friend. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. There's so much going on emotionally sometimes I wish I could just dig a hole and curl up until this is all over.
I'm sorry I've rambled on, but thanks for reading.

Yes, I've been right where you are! Years ago, I too was tired of my husband only playing video games, laying around, not wanting to do anything with the kids and me. He hated his job, but didn't have the motivation to get another one. We decided to go to counseling and our therapist thought he should see his own counselor and consider anti-depressants. They worked amazingly well, so well that he went from being someone who had no self esteem to someone who got a new job and immediately fell for a woman there. He tried to get her to go out with him, but she told him she wasn't interested in married men. I could tell something was wrong and stbx finally told me what was up and then said I was heartless because I wasn't helping him heal his broken heart! He also told me he didn't love me, didn't think he ever did, didn't find me attractive, I needed to lose weight, change my hair and the way I dressed, etc. We went back into couple's therapy and I was determined to show him that he DID love me. I followed his plan, lost weight, grew my hair etc. Everything seemed okay, but the situtation with that other woman got him in trouble at work and it was downhill from there. He finally lost his job two years later and here I am nearly two years after the job loss and I'm seeing that he cannot be a partner to me. He's back to playing video games and not acting like part of our family. I still believe he loves me, but I now know he is unable to show me affection or love other than sex. We too are still living together because he makes NO money as a part time tutor at the community college. He will have to leave when the divorce is final, but we're in bankruptcy so that's slowing the whole process down a bit. Let me tell you, part of me wishes I'd given up on him years ago (it's nearly 4 years now), but I know that I did everything in my power to keep this relationship alive. What he did to me then, made me strong enough to endure anything thrown in my direction now. A dear friend of mine who has been there for me for years and years told me that he saw me putting everything in place for the day that stbx and I split up. He watched me make my plan B even though I was unaware of it. Having the rug pulled out from under you again and again will make you so strong. Now I know that as much of a struggle as it will be for my family, I am a much more complete person without him in my life. I wish you well. I'll keep my eyes out for your posts.
Melanie
Went through something like you are. Husband told me in December that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave, was in no rush, so we could pay off some bills and he could leave in March. Long story short, he moved out this morning. It just became unbearable to wait any longer. It is kind of like watching someone die right in front of you. I guess, in essence, you are.....your relationship. I think you will find as the days go by that it is nore stressful than just getting it over with. Just my opinion and experience.
The very best of luck to you. It is not a nice situation, but I do feel better now that it is over. Kind of like ripping off a Band-aid quickly, as opposed to removing it from a gaping wound slowly.
I'm glad that you posted here..... although you don't have the "married" legalities, you definitely have the emotional "marriage" to deal with.
It sounds like to me that you would benefit from some couples counseling (if he'll agree to it--if you push for it, he might just end up resenting you for "making" him do all of this self help work... even if it is for the better).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I wanted to thank you all for replying to my post. I've felt so lonely, confused, depressed...Ex is, or was?, my best friend. The one I've turned to with almost everything for the past 7-8 years, and suddenly I can't. I wanted to respond to all three of you, so I'm doing it in one post. I guess they are just thoughts I had as I was reading your words so I've seperated them that way in an effort to make sense! I hope that's okay.
Melanie -- I know meds can make a huge difference, but I wonder if it was the best thing. I don't know what's going on in his mind -- is it just that he finally 'woke up' as he says? Will he go back like you xh? I don't want that for him, because I do still care about and love him, but...I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Thank you for your reply. I see I'm not the only one here.
jlbusbee2005 -- I keep going back and forth. Wanting it all to be over now and wanting to hold on as long as I can. I know it's terribly wrong and only hurts me, but he's still sleeping in our bed. We got rid of the guest bed years ago to make room for a study/computer room and I feel bad seeing him sleep on the couch. We are also still intimate. Last night when he got home, we messed around, then he said he wanted to hug me. (He's a very good hugger)As he was hugging me and I was starting to fall asleep again, he added, "hug like friends". What does that mean? I know he thinks I'm old fashioned, but I've never done any of this with friends! Why doesn't any of this matter to him?!
Karen -- I think I will talk to my therapist about couples counseling tomorrow. Ex told me last night, after, that the girl he kissed this weekend had red hair (like me), 'isn't that weird?' he asked. I shrugged. He's pointed out a couple of women I guess he's been drawn to and there's always a comparrison to me. "I only noticed her because she reminded me of you." "She has the same hair cut." "She has red hair.", etc. Then today before I got home he said he might get out of work early tonight so he can go out. So, he finished with me again.
I am starting to get teary again and must make it to a meeting in a few minutes, so I will stop here.
Again, thank you all and anyone else! I'm so glad I found this.
Know you're in my thoughts! I agree 100% about the meds, they can be great and sometimes they can be too great, like with my stbx. I also wanted to pipe in that if you are being intimate with him, [;ease use protection against stds. I hate to be so upfront about it, but you need to keep yourself safe and healthy and it doesn't look like he's in a place to look out for your best interest. Hang in there.
Melanie
I can understand somewhat.
We were married for five years. After we got married, real life hit and he found he didn't have time to go to the gym so he got a little overweight and started to get really bummed about it. I didn't care that he had a few extra pounds. I loved him so much and it just wasn't an issue for me. Then he started taking it out on me 'cause he didn't like himself and he didn't like his job but couldn't admit that was the issue and things got pretty abusive. So, I left 2.5 years into the marriage. It so freaked him out that he stopped eating from the stress and dropped 30 pounds and begged me to come back and that he would go to counseling. Which he did and he started working out again.
The good times lasted for about six months. As his body improved, his ego got bigger. I always told him that I thought he looked great but then he started putting pressure on me to be a hardbody like the ones that were at the gym. Suddenly I wasn't good enough in his head. Over the next 2.5 years, he started getting attention from coworkers and ladies at the gym. He would say little backhanded abusive comments and call me every day at work and ask repeatedly "Did you go to the gym today? Did you go to the gym today?" I asked him point blank over dinner one night what was wrong and he said "I'm not attracted to you anymore." I said "I'm not attractive to you at all anymore?" He looked up and down my body and said "Well, I'm the one that has to look at it!" Again...I'm not a big girl and I'm not ugly, I'm just not a gym bunny.
I told him it was back to counseling or I was out the door. I should have just gone out the door. He begrudgingly agreed to go after I begged. So, our therapy sessions were mostly spent on him. They didn't really work - it was like talking to a brick wall. He was only there because I threatened to leave. Then last summer his ego got so inflated he thought he'd make a very forward move on a coworker who he thought was coming on to him and lost his job. This all goes back I think to him still having issues because he used to be an overweight kid and was abused by the other kids. Anyway, I had enough after the last episode. He would come home from work and tell me about other women that came on to him and how hot they were. I would tell him "Fine. Go get it. I just won't be here when you get back." I felt I was betraying myself every time I let him touch me. That's when I knew it was over for me.
He called me crying after I moved out and filed. Saying the grass wasn't greener after all...yaddah..yaddah..yaddah. I heard that one before and I refuse to spend the rest of my life being anyone's second choice especially after I hung on for five years and went back to him once already just hoping and praying he would realize how good he really had it. The divorce was final last October. I know that if I was still with him right now, he'd have already gone back to treating me the same way and I'd still be in hell. Divorcing him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm thankful we didn't have children, and I don't know how I got through it. Being on my own, walking away from the home and life I had and figuring out who I am now and why I chose and then stayed with someone so screwed up is scary, but it's better than the alternative.
Hummm.... I think that *I* would have said, "No, *I'M* the one that has to look at MY body... and I LIKE MEEEEEE!!!!"
I think that he has some real insecurity issues, and if he's not willing to do the work on that himself, then maybe it's time for you to explore that greener grass.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~