I'm a mess....
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| Tue, 02-15-2005 - 11:51am |
I really don't know where else to turn right now....
I am feeling so sad and so alone.
My relationship with my ExH has finally ended. We were divorced 2 yrs ago and have been trying to make things work out. He has a very bad temper and gets upset easily. He kicked me out of his house (I had been spending the wknd there) last Monday. He told me that after being with me for over 10 years (11 together, married 8)that he wants me out of his life. It started off because he doesn't like it when I'm quite (he calls it moody or in a bad mood) in the morning. He started fighting with me 7am and took off to work leaving me crying and upset for the day. When he got home from work- I asked him if we could talk and he said sure but not happy about it. It started off by me apologizing, as usual, and progressed to him screaming and yelling at me and calling me horrible names.
He told me that he is tired of me, and could barely contain himself with me anymore. And that sometimes he thinks the only way out for him is to kill himself to get away from me. That I am pushing him to feel this way.....how can someone who professes to love you say those things to you??? Because I coming down with a bad cold that day, I told him I was going to my home and he just lost it - he ran upstairs and grabbed my bags and everything else I had in his house and told me to take all my things and get the hell out.
I left that house almost barely able to see due to my tears. He plays this push pull game over and over again - and its always HIS decision to end things (altho' it was me who left him but HE filed for divorce, but claims that because I left it was me who divorced him). My friends keep telling me that I will hear from him again. And a part of me feels like its dying right now. But another part of me knows that he is so incredibly bad for my self-esteem (from years of verbal and emotional abuse).
I want to contact him so badly right now and I can't stop from crying....and feeling so alone. I can't turn to my friends and family right now because they all hate him and will probably not understand. I know that I'm very blessed in having a wonderful family and some great friends but I just can't turn to them right now.
Please someone....send me some words that will help me understand and some words to help me be strong to get thru today. I don't want to give in and call him and beg him to take me back. I should be, by all accounts, well over him. But I'm right back where I started from 2 years ago. I am trying so hard to find anything to feel blessed about - and every day I try and find something positive and good.....but it seem so hard right now.
I feel like such a loser....38 yrs old, no children, in a deadend job and just hopeless.
I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic. I guess I'm just feeling like I need someone to hear me and maybe give me hug....
P

First off... here's a {{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}
Now what's this about "I am pushing him to feel this way"????????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~