What to do with a stressed 3 yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
What to do with a stressed 3 yo
9
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:52pm

Hi everyone!
I wrote a few weeks back and since that time, there has been a lot going on. I got an apartment, which I can't afford, but we are going to court on the 24th to arrange support.
Dd and I have not stayed there yet, though I have been paying since the 1st; there really hasn't been anyone to help me and I have been moving things very slowly. Tonight might be the first night we stay there.

My dd birthday was SuperBowl Sunday and we had her party this past Sunday. She just turned 3. She is VERY stressed out because of what is going on between Mommy and Daddy and I don't know what to do with her. She is really acting out - saying bad words, talking back, spitting at people...the worst is that she is being physically abusive with my mom's animals (we have been staying with her a lot lately).
H and I have not really been fighting too much; we barely see one another! There is tension and we do snap at one another, but no all out arguments or fights. And nothing physical.

I explained to her that we are now going to have "mommy's house" and "daddy's house" and she will still see both of us (again, not too much of a change for her since he works nights and I stay at my mom's a lot anyway). She has told me every day that she does NOT want to stay at our new house, with the exception of last night - she asked me to go, but that might have been to get out of going to bed.

Any suggestions about what I can do with her?
Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:13pm

Well, at 3.... I still say that it's best to remove her from a situation, then to tell her "no".... like with the pets.... keep them in a safe part of the house where she is not.


It's a challenging age.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:28pm

My dd had just turned 3 when we separated. We talked to her about what was happening but she just said "okay." She just didn't have the ability to understand what we were saying and what that meant to her. It all sounded fine the way we described it, but when we actually moved she was very confused and upset. Your dd might be a little more confused because she's not at her house and you keep talking about the new place, but basically all she knows is her life is a complete mess and she can't count on anything and she doesn't know what to expect - she's in limbo and doesn't believe she's getting out, and she won't understand it until after the transition takes place and you are settled in the new apartment. It took my dd 4-5 weeks of having a new, consistent, reliable routine before she really 'got' it and started to be okay. One of us would pick her up from preschool and she'd say "Where are we going?" "Where am I sleeping tonight?" Then after a month or so she started to remember who was picking her up and who's house she was at that week. After that she was fine.

Children depend on their routine and when you mess it up, you have to be patient, establish a new routine and wait. Your explanations are good, but they don't mean much to her at this point. She has to live the new life and spend time in mommy's house and then in daddy's house before she gets it and is okay with it.

Also, finding some books on divorce that are appropriate for 3 year olds (as the CL suggested) is a really good idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 1:34pm

hi - my instinctive reply when i first saw your message was "de-stress mommy first, and the kid will be fine".


In essence, i agree with the other posters - be firm but loving. kids just KNOW when they can PUSH a little more and get what they want - so try not to fall into that trap with your little angel. be clear and consistent. i would probably give her less rather than more explanations (in general, not only regarding the divorce), because kids tend to tune us out after too many words, and at three she doesn't have the same kind of logic yet, anyway.


and i am not kidding about de-stressing mommy - kids pick up on OUR moods. if they feel that we are angry or scared - they will get scared. kids NEED us to be STABLE because life is tough enuf. and deal with each incident as it happens - DO NOT fall into the trap (that many of us fall into) of thinking that "poor kid, she is upset, she has so much on her plate right now, i will just let this go".


decide what your rules are: NO spitting, NO hitting, NO using bad words, etc. and have your "consequences" in place, so that she KNOWS what to expect (remember: consistancy and stability). so that next she says a bad word, she has to go to time out for 5 minutes. or she doesn't get to watch tv or whatever. at the same time, try to spend more time with her doing fun things. and also - if you are really stressed out - call a friend/sister/mom and ask them if your angel could spend some time at their house so that YOU can relax. you NEED THIS.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:42pm

Thank you everyone!
We have stayed at the apartment 2 nights now. Dd woke up the first night VERY upset, crying and telling me she wanted to go home. However the next morning she seemed much better, even happy. She discovered her new room and was playing and having a good time.

Last night she slept soundly. She had even told me she wanted to go to "the new house" after we had dinner (my dad treated us and we went out).
We will take it one day at a time, and I will try to establish a solid routine. I am going to keep our existing rules in effect.

This weekend she will stay with her dad from Saturday evening until Monday evening. I have a feeling this may cause a problem, as she has never even spent half that amount of time with him alone.
Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 3:14pm
Be sure and let "dad" know that you can be available during this "transition time" "if she feels insecure about the changes"

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:47pm

>>>This weekend she will stay with her dad from Saturday evening until Monday evening. I have a feeling this may cause a problem, as she has never even spent half that amount of time with him alone.<<<

It will more than likely be an issue. If you had never spent time alone with your dd, you would have the same problems he's about to have (she's going to miss you and he's not going to know what to do). You could leave her with the #1 parent in the state and she'd probably have a hard time. The key for this too is consistency, it's probably going to be a few weekends of seeing him (or every other weekends) before she is used to it and he feels more comfortable with that part of her new routine. There is no reason (unless he's totally incompetant or doesn't want to make it work) that he can't figure out how to parent her and do so effectively. It might help him out to let him now that she's been having a hard time with the transition, and that from what you can tell and have heard, time and consistency will help her feel better. When my dd talks about missing her dad when she's with me, I tell her of course she misses him, but this is our time together and she'll see him in a couple days, and then offer to let her call and talk to him (she usually says no). My ex does the same when she's with him and misses me. I know always missing one of us is hard, but not having one of us involved in her life would be a lot harder (I know because my dad was not around, and it doesn't matter the reason, I have huge abandonment issues from that).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:55am

Oh Boy, Im so sorry for all of this. I am sure that not only the change in who lives WITH her, but the change in WHERE she lives, is tough on her.

None-the-less, her behavior, especailly stuff like hurting animals & spitting, isnt acceptable. I woudl make it very clear to her that you understand she is upset & sad, angry, etc - but that she is NOT to continue these behaviors. Its hard, b/c we feel guilty. I find myself wanting to give into my dd (just 5) b/c we just serperated & she is pretty sad about it .... but on the other hand, i am diong her NO favors by not being conistent & letting her get away w/ things i normally wouldnt.

Its not easy ... but i bet it will get better once you are moved & settled. Is there anyway you can make the new place specail to her? Let HER pick out her bedroom stuff? Or let HER paint it with you ... put her hnadprints on the wall ... anything to make it HERS?

Good luck & plese let us know how its giong, R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 2:53pm

Thanks again everyone.
Well, this weekend wasn't so bad. I dropped off Dd around 7 or so and *tearfully* left for my apartment. I felt like such a bad mother, like I was abandoning her or something.
2 friends invited me to go out, to keep my mind off of the sad things and let me have a good time. It was nice.
I went with my mother to visit my grandmom on Sunday. Of course, the first thing she says when I walk in the door, "Where is the baby?" Who is not a baby anymore :) I didn't have the heart to tell her.
H took dd to his mom's all Sunday. Which was probably the best thing he could have done, dd LOVES it there, and MIL does everything, so H doesn't have to get all stressed out.

I picked dd up Monday morning and she was very happy to see me. H told me she woke up several times at night and wandered around the house looking for me, but other than that things went smoothly. I couldn't be happier (unless, that is, I didn't have to deal with all this!). Let's hope that future "visits" are just as good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 9:20pm
My dd is with my ex every other week, and I miss her a lot. I would much rather her be with me. But I keep reminding myself that while her and I may miss each other, her time with her dad is VERY important to both of them. I never feel like a bad mother when dd is with her dad, I don't feel guilt like when she is in daycare all day. She is with a parent that loves her and wants to be with her, and that parent just happens to not be me all the time. You are not abandoning her when you leave her with her dad, you are doing something that could not be more positive for her. I am really glad to hear that your STBX and your dd handled the weekend well, that has to take some of the worry away. Now that you know that you will all be fine, find some things to do for YOU when you have child-free time - all parents need that and from the sounds of things posted on the other board, you didn't have much alone time during the marriage. I try to get my house picked up, I go to the gym, I go to the library (just for me) and read, I nap, I take long showers, I date, and when dd comes back, I am refreshed, relaxed and ready to be 100% mommy again.

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