Its long, but here is how my filing went

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Its long, but here is how my filing went
11
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:09pm

1st off, let me treat you to a paragraph in the motion of temporary allowances (child support, sole custody, supervised visitation, ect) - during the divorce proceedings

(D=Defendant, P=Plaintiff Me)

"D has a history of alcohol abuse & has been verbally & physically abusive to P. Due to threats against P's life by the D, & his past threats & verbal & physical abuse, P is in fear of the D. D has threatened to burn the house down w/ P in it, to take the partie's daughter away & make sure P never sees her again, to make sure P loses her job. On one occassion he has his hands around her neck & threatened to "snap her neck". On or about Feb 1,2005, D lost his job & was out of control. P learned from his employer that he had vandalized the work place. When she confronted him, D told her that if she came home "I will rip you to peices" & made other threats. P fled w/ the partie's child for their safety & obtained a no contact order from the Family Court."

How's THAT look? Yikes! SO weird to see it in writing by a legal person!

Although i have been actually looking forward to just getting this DONE< i was quite nervous all the way up there. & i had a MAJOR headache during it ... but now all i feel is (moslty) relief! I am ON MY WAY! ....

Anyway, here are some of the major points i got cleared up in todays meeting:

*There is no way he will get alimony. If he turned down this job (like he threatened to do, to show ME that if i want to see him destittute w/ no home, he will have no job either) we can get proof he is CHOOSING to be unemployed - & he IS employable. He is a very good carpenter AND a boat builder (plus he is an EMT) ... the news paper is filled w/ open jobs in these areas. & if he has taken this job & it pays i think about $13/hr, then i woudl get appx $330 a month in child support. More than i expected.

*As for custody - originally i wasnt going to ask for sole custody, it would have been joint, w/ her living primarily with me & he would have had liberal visitation. But as time has gone on & i have seen how crazy & unstable can be, I told the atty that i would like to attempt to get sole custody - w/ visitation for him ... Liberal visitation, *IF* he is not a mess. When he is "ok", he is great with her, but i cant trust that until we KNOW he is stable & not furious at me still, & not crazed about everything. I explained that if we were to have joint & lots of visitation ordered, & then he continued to go downhill, & also began drinking heavliy, i dont want to have to go back to have it changed. IF, from the outset, we make it clear that I have sole custody & he has regular visitation (only supervised at 1st), then if things are going well, & he is working (which is usually a sign he is emotionally ok) & not dirnking & not terrorizing me, taking his antidepressants b/c there is a HUGE difference when he is med complaint & CERTAINLY & most importantly not emotionally abusing dd by trying to alientate her from me ... then i would be MORE than happy to let him have way more visitation - but it has to depend on whether he is stable mentally or not. The atty felt this was liekly do-able, & if M fights it, then they will most likely appoint a court gaurdian to figure out what is best. & i would think that with his history of alcohol abuse & rage, & MORE than enough witnesses to it all, they woudl feel it was in her best interest to be able to stay with me IF he wasnt stable at the time of scheduled visitation, or any extra visits. Oh, i did ask about a Psyc Eval for him for custody, but he said it woudl be many months b4 we could schedule one (only 2 docs in RI do it), & i woudl have to pay out of pocket, & they woudl make me be eval'd too, & it would be 5K EACH ... so it would cost me 10K. I told him "Well, i already KNOW he is nutz ...." i know, not funny.

*We are a 50/50, no fault state. Atty expalined that is ASSUMING "Equitable distribution", that we each put in about equal parts. That is a STRATING POINT for negotiation, which is based on length or marriage, conduct in the marriage, financial efforts in the marriage, employment history, age, health status, & ability to add assets over the years ... & whether or not that was done & by whom. I told him i am sure he will claim he made less than 1/3 of what did almost all 6 years, b/c he was a SAHD. But he WASNT. 1st off, i dont work till 3pm. 2nd, dd was in daycare or a sitter, or pre-school, many of the days that he didnt work. He COULD have worked, & atty said his claiming a SAHD "wont fly", especially b/c in teh 2 years b4 she was born, his salary was nill anyway. So thats good. I re-iterated to him that i dont want to screw him. I want just to be fair, & maybe even give him a little more than is fair, to just get this over with. But *I* most certainly am not going to get screwed myself financailly. I asked if 70/30 was crazy to shoot for, & he said "it could be a starting point, but i think you can reasonably expect to end up with 60/40, w/o too much of a fight, based on his history."

We have about 200+K equity in the house. I do NOT want to sell to pay him off. I asked him if he could "make me sell" (which he has threatened to do) to get his portion of the equity & he said "He could try ... but it is HIGHLY unlikely that would be ordered". He said there are many scenarios, but i could refi & pay him a chunk of cash up front, then pay him w/ a structured payoff like $100 a month, for 30 years ... or obviously pay him out if i re-marry, or sell. I asked him straight out, "So i can pretty much count on NOT being forced to sell" & he said "yes", so thats good. I think if i refi, i could afford to maybe give him like something like 30K up front, & that would be enough for him to start a new life on, IF he is working - Or if he is CHOOSING to work, AND not throwing his money away, like he did ours for so many years. I swear, i bet he takes the settlement & buys a boat ... mark my words. --- Also, my atty reminded me that 60/40 may be good enough, we will see, b/c "fighting for that other 10% may not be worth it if it ends up having to go to trial b/c you would end up paying so much more in legal fees". I agreed & said we would see how it goes, but by NO means do i want to draw this all out if it was only going to cost more, & i woudlnt end up with that much more.

*I was worried about being held responsible for any of the joint credit we have, where sometimes they leave 1 cc to one party to pay & the other cc to the other spouse, to be responisble for, after the divorce. I told him he will either totally blow it off & *I* would then end up responsible, OR he will claim bankruptcy & i would still be responsible. So based on his HORRID credit history, we woud require that before we give him the pay out of the settlement, the bills must be paid off 1st & close the accounts ... unless i can get off them. Also, i asked "since this divorce is HIS fault, could i get him to pay my atty fees?" Atty reminded me he has no money ... & i said "how do you think HIS atty is getting paid? He will pay him out of the settlement money". I told my atty that i hoped his atty would remind him that he will have a chunk of change at the end, but the longer he fights, the less he will have b/c it will cost more to fight. He asked who his atty was & when i told him he said "He is a pretty reasonable guy, & if he is a childhood freind of your X, i bet he steers him in a good direction, IF he can". The atty's aid asked me later who his atty was & she said "Hmmm, he is Feisty, but not unreasonable". I dont know if i LIKE "feisty"! lol

*About his threatening to get me fired ... he said "Let him call your work place, its a violation of the RO & he will be proscecuted for harrassment, & that is VERY serious.". He also said he is sure M's atty has cautioned him against doing that, as it would greatly harm his case. :) So i guess i feel pretty safe in that respect.

*My retirement, again, he will be entitled to SOME of it, but it isnt necessarily 50/50. It will depend on either what WE settle on (60/40 most likely, or if i was lucky, 70/30) or if he fights it all & we cant agree & it all goes to trial (PLEASE NO! I cant afford that! & certainly neithr can he), then the judge would decree how much he gets & how much I get. Same thing w/ custody, if he fights it, it could go to trial. :(

*In these temp orders, we also asked that I become the owner of his life insurance policy - since with his Hep C, he is un-insurable if this policy ever lapses, & based on his credit & responsibllity history, it is liekly he woudl let it lapse & that would be detrimental to dd

*I was worried that my income was so much higher ... some years really high, like almosy double, b/c b4 i had the baby, i often worked like 70 hours a week. He said not to worry at all about that, they will see he WASNT working & i had to. They will NOT base me "ability to make a certain amount of money" on those years, but on the recent normal years.

*He said that normally the person who gets to claim the child on the taxes is the one who is providing the majority of care & financial care, & that would be me.

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So, the plan is he will file the papers w/ the court on Monday (my town is almost an hour from the city he practices in, so he is only in my area a few times a week) & then they will call me about his being served, either next Tues or Wed, IF they can find him.

On Thurs feb 24th, we will be in court for the RO & asking to keep it on me, & take it off dd, ONLY for him to have court-ordered supervised visits. That will NOT go over well w/ him & i am afraid he will then say "fine, i wont see dd then". I hope not b.c it will break her heart.

Ave was so pitiful tonite. I have 3 books for kids about divorce & one ask 1/2 way thru how the child feels about what is giong on. She said "I feel like you & Daddy still love each other". I told her we DO have a love for eachother & i would always love Daddy b/c he is her Daddy, but that we will still get divorced. She seemed shocked & started sobbing "I dont want to read these books, I want my Daddy to come home to live".

Ugh, my heart.

So, thats it! A Loooooooooooooong Update! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:35am

"Even though mommy and daddy still love each other, that doesn't mean that it's good for us to live together."


WOW!.... I hope that you can find some counseling help for Avery.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:10am

That is HORRIBLE what happened to your dd! Poor baby!

I have a question re: couseling for her. In one way i didnt want to put her in, b/c i feel like at this young age, just 5, i didnt want to make a "bigger deal" of it all, in her mind. I also never saw any of the tell tale signs of distress (not sleeping, behavioral issues, clingyness, regression, etc), but i knew she DID verbalize that he Daddy was "bad" to mommy, etc. Anyway, i decided to err on the side of caution & she has been seen twice at the DV agency & the lady wants to continue seeing her 1 time a week, for an hour. This is my dilema - she has seen her 2 hours total, & i am not in the room. I have gotten NO feedback about what was talked about, or what Ave conveyed or what *I* should be following with. Granted, i talked w/ the therpist b4 she ever saw Averey & told her what types of things I say to help her deal, & the therapist assured me everything iw was saying was perfect ... but i woudl THINK I would be getting some feedback. How does she think she is taking this? Has she voiced anything *I* havetn heard yet? What is the therapist telling HER? I mean, she is my 5 yr old dd, its not like there is patient confidentiaty. I DO respect that she may want to keep things b/w she & Ave, & i understand that to come extent, but i truly believe she should be communicating w/ me WHAT is giong on in their sessions! Am i wrong about that?

also, MY therapist has conveyed that SHE feels that unless there are obvious issues w/a child who absolutey needs therapy, there is no reason , in this type of situation w/ a child this age, that the child should be confiding in & bonding to anyone else but the parent. What do you think of that?

TIA, R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:06pm

you are saying that the therapist saw her for two hours total. most therapists do what is called "intake"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:20pm

Don't overreact..... :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 8:27pm

Thanks Ladies, about the couseling. I am sure the woman is very well trained & credentialed, this Womens Resource center is phenomenal. I talked w/ a very good freind who is a S.W. today & she assured me that what was likely happening is that there WAS nothing to report. If there was anything out of the ordinary or concerning, then she would come to me about it. So, i am feeling better.

Ave was having a really rough nite tonite at home w/ her new sitter (Im at work). She called me crying, begging to call her Daddy - HE is the one who always cared for her while i was at work at nite. Ugh - this is not easy.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:13pm

Maybe a special new game or DVD that the sitter can introduce to her would be *fun* for her new *friendship* and help take her mind off of the changes.... or a fun art project.... or baking cookies.


I'm just grasping at ideas here.


Poor Avery.... just validate to her that it's OK to be sad about the changes; you're sad, too... but that things will work out.


Remember..... Thou shall NOT feel guilty!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:44pm

I know! THE GUILT!!! Here is what happened tonite ...

This is sad, & weird too- 1st off, she knows only our HOME #. I think literally, i told her my cell number like 2 times, EVER. & she doesnt know it.

I left my work phone number for the new sitter if they need me, the work phone. This is the 1st nite w/ the new sitter & i NEED it to work out.

So, my cell phone was vibrating in my pocket just now. & i answered it & it was Ave. I was thinking "why didnt the sitter dial the work number i gave her, instead of my cell?" So i talked to Ave who asked "Mommy, could you tell me daddys phone # so i could call him please?" I reminded her "honey, we cant call him just yet". She cried & begged, i told her "Honey, we cant. the judge says we cant". So i asked to speak to the sitter & Ave whispered "I dont want you to, we are mad at eachother". OH NO! Ave LOVES all her sitters ... THIS is the one i NEED to work out! So i asked why & she said b/c she "woudlnt let her go to the park".

I got the sitter on the phone & she sadi Ave was mad after their walk they couldnt go to the park too. & she went up & hid under her dresser in her bedroom. Thats not all THAT out of the ordinary, she does that sometimes when she is mad at me too. But what ws WEIRD was i told the sitter that when she calls again, have her call my work phone ... & the sitter said, "she called you on her own. i ddint know she was on the phone till just now when she handed it to me". I was like WHAT??? How the HECK does she know my cell # ??? I swear, i had NO idea & its not written anywhere ... & even if it WAS, to comprehend to dial it is beyond weird. But its sad too b/c all i can picture is her there, afraid or mad, whatever, at her sitter who she only met just yesterday, not having her Daddy as she always has - & then sneaking off to remember my cell phone & call me at work! Ugh! I wanted to cry! But the sitter seemed fine & saying to Ave what she needed to (the sitter at 1st didnt even know i was on the phone, i coudl just hear them talking - Ave asked her if she coudl call her daddy, & she answered "I dont knwo his #, but you can call Mommy if you want" - so i do feel better that at least its Ave being a PIA, not the sitter being mean, i HOPE!)

Aaargh! I hope she tells me tomorrow she liked her! R~

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:00pm

I think that maybe Ave wants to have a little control in her world. "I want to go to the park" "I want to call my daddy".... *sneaking* to call you.


So, be sure you're giving her choices when you can.... and choices that she's aware of.... "Hey Ave, do you want pizza or ravioli for dinner?.... Good choice!"


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:10am

Oh yeah, she gets choices, i promise. I actually was a child inpatient psyc RN for many years & i base a lot of my parenting on positive reinforcment. we taught parents & used w/ the kids. I dont give IN, but i do give her choices when appropriate. A lot. & i always use the wording "which do you choose" or "its your choice". I am giving her a LITTLE slack here b/c i know she is hurting & scared by all these changes, but, i wont let her take too much b/c i feel she needs structure as well, its just as important to have the same expectations of behavior as b4. ESPECIALLY b/c i KNOW her Dad wont follow it like i do ... he never did. He gave into her WAY too soon ... she knew who's name to sob while in time out, lol , not MINE! ;) He always tried to take her out of TO early. (yet,we are very very close anyway - i think kids RESPECT that authority). I do remember one time she was having a tantrum (very rare for her) & she woudlnt stay in her room, so i held the door shut. The only expecation i gave her for me to open the door was to sit on her bed & stop screaming. H came up & asked me, outside the door, what was giong on. Next thing we know there is this PATHETIC "Daddddddddaaaaaaa" coming from UNDER the door! She heard him & dropped down & tried yelling for him under the door. We DID laugh at that one, lol. & just a couple weeks ago he actually yelled at her for something, which he rarely did. She went & cried in her playroom. Then she came out w/ 2 drawings & siad "This one is Dadda being mean" & it was of him w/ a cranly mean face. & then "this one is of Averey" ... her w/ BIG tears! rofl She is too much!

& actually, i had to drive the sitter home just now, at 12am! Ugh! So Ave had to come, obviously ,.. my 1st aggravation of single parenting! (but still OH SO WORTH IT!) & shes awake now. I asked her if she would rather have Kate or Kayla babysit more. Kate is H's neice who is "ok", but not my fav sitter - pretty lazy & not all that into kids. But good for me in a bind. So Ave sid "Jessica", lol. Thats her old sitter from 2 years ago who doesnt sit anymore! So i reminded her of that & she said "Ok, Kayla". So apparently she didnt NOT like her. :)

THANKS! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 2:50am

or ----- you can look at this a different way. Avery sounds like a very resourceful and smart young lady. she KNEW what she needed to do - and she did it. *I* would'nt say that this is sad - i would say that this is SMART and shows that she is a survivor.


now - don't get me wrong. i am not saying that what happened is *ok*- but avery has a lot on her plate right now - new house, daddy not there, etc - so it will take time, and she will learn to respect authority and everything else will start to fall into place.


take it easy!


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