fair weather friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
fair weather friend?
2
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:02am
Hi. I need some input on how to think about and deal with a situation. In brief, I had an A over the summer, H found out and told his family we were getting a D. We had been extremely close w/H's brother and his fiancee, they were at our house almost all the time for dinner etc. Her and I walked for exercise almost daily. I did not share any of my feelings about the state of my M and my eventual A with her for various reasons: she's engaged to my BIL, very caught up in wedding plans etc, and I knew she looked up to me and my H as role models (she's 8 yrs younger then me). I was scheduled to be in the wedding party. Also she is extremely opinionated and argumentative and I didn't want to share my deepest feelings, fears, and secrets with her. Plus of course I was ashamed, and didn't want H to know I was having an A. So when she and my BIL found out about my A I did not hear from them for 4 months. Absolutely no contact, where before we had talked almost daily. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to call her, I kept thinking she'd call and say "What the hell is going on, I heard you had an A, what gives?" or some such thing. Also H and I were in the midst of a lot of emotions and trying to figure out where we were headed. Finally one night H had to call BIL's GF to babysit in a pinch, when I got home she was there and we hadn't seen each other or spoken for 4 months. I said "do you want to talk?" and she did so we went for a walk. It went as I had feared. She said she felt betrayed and hurt by me and my infidelity (understandable) and that the whole family felt the same, and that if it ever happened again no one would forgive me this time. She said get a D if you think you are going to cheat again, but remember D will ruin your kids lives. I tried for a nanosecond to explain why and how the A had come about but she was absolutely unreceptive. She wanted apologies and remorse, not for me to defend myself. I did apologize and tell her how sorry I was that I had hurt my H and his family (which was true of course).
Even though he told everyone he was D'ing me, H decided to try to make things work. He knew I was unhappy, unsatisfied, and feeling like we were greatly mismatched, in addition to having major problems dealing with monogamy...so we decided to try an open M. We did not share this plan with a anyone. Surprise surprise, it didn't work, H couldn't deal with it and neither could I, we both realized that it was prob best to end the M. BIL and GF showed up unexpectedly Sunday night, BIL knows we are Ding but GF doesn't. H asked my not to tell her, BIL doesnt want her to knwo until my IL's know b/c she has a big mouth. They stayed for dinner and it was surreal, felt like old times except we are Ding and she doesnt even know. I really wanted to tell her but my H was adamant that I not. So she sent me an email Tues saying how much she has missed being at our house, that the dinner felt really normal and she's so glad we are working things out, and she hopes we can start walking again soon.
Oh! I feel awful. I want to tell her the truth so she doesnt feel like a fool later when she finds out. H and BIL dont want me to. But also, is she really my friend? I know she didn't approve of me having an A but when she found out she did not talk to me for 4 months! Is that how you treat your friend? Now that she (mistakenly)believes that we are doing what she thinks is right, i.e. staying together and working on the M, she all of a sudden wants to be my friend again? I am not sure how to feel about it. I don't know if a true friend would take her friendship away when I was doing stuff she disapproves of, and then bestow it on me again when I am doing what she thinks is right. I would try to be supportive of my friend through thick and thin even if I thought what she was doing was wrong. How should I approach this? Sorry this post is so long...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:28pm

Some people have absolutes that they will not tolerate. Perhaps this woman had been cheated on before. Since you're D'ing why do you care so much? To tell you the truth - after being cheated on by my H and going through a D, I would probably not be a friend to someone who cheated in their relationship.

Good luck in the future - perhaps you will meet someone you can share monogamy with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:48pm

well, people react to divorce in different ways. she probably feels that (a) she has to be loyal to *the family* and (b) she is against infidelity - no matter what.


the question is - do YOU want to continue to be friends with her? it sounds to me like it was more a *friendship of convenience* not specific choice.


as to telling her or not telling her - i think that your H and BIL are acting silly - because in the end everyone is going to know anyway. tell your H that you are telling her in two days - and by that time he should tell his parents and get it over with.