Life after a 20+ marriage?
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Life after a 20+ marriage?
| Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:55pm |
Hello,
I'm just curious about any long term marriages that ended. How long does it take to really heal and are able to think about someone new entering your life? I was married for 20years and then my husband decided he hadn't been happy for a few years and left me for a "friend" of mine. I'm doing much better then I was 11 months ago but still can not picture myself with anyone. My ex was the love of my life (or so I thought) and the only man I have ever been with. I can not imagine anyone else touching me. I would love anyone who has been in a long term marriage to share their story with me and how you are doing now. Thanks!
I'm just curious about any long term marriages that ended. How long does it take to really heal and are able to think about someone new entering your life? I was married for 20years and then my husband decided he hadn't been happy for a few years and left me for a "friend" of mine. I'm doing much better then I was 11 months ago but still can not picture myself with anyone. My ex was the love of my life (or so I thought) and the only man I have ever been with. I can not imagine anyone else touching me. I would love anyone who has been in a long term marriage to share their story with me and how you are doing now. Thanks!

I think I can empathize with your feelings. Married for 19 years to the only man I ever slept with. I left the marriage after much emotional abuse. He remarried almost immediately--shows how little I meant to him. I have to work hard at not allowing myself to fall into self-pity. I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to be out of the pain of that abuse. I constantly remind myself that I am in charge of my thoughts, actions and emotions. My happiness is MY responsibility; it does not depend on life's circumstances.
Hope you find solace in the words of others on this board. You've come to a place of support and healing.
Cupcake
Tracy,
I have also been married for over 20 years. My xh is also an abuser. During our long marriage I was emotionally and verbal abused and our children were also physically abused. At first I guess I really didn't recgonized the abuse for what it was. Then of course you start to justify his actions and try to keep the peace as much as possible. I used to say that at least he was a good provider and that I never had to do yard work or worry and nag about repairs etc...
But it was after I decided to return to college to finish my degree that my eyes were opened. It took me almost 10 years of going part-time to satisfy him and make sure all his needs were met. But after that I started working and seeing the real world where husbands support their wives and like to go places with them and participate in the childrens activities. WOW! What a concept.
So 4 years ago I told him that we either go to marriage counceling or we are through. He agreed - but would only go for as many sessions as his insurance would cover (has great medical thru one of the "big three"). After that he was "good" for maybe 9 months. Of course things went right back to where they were and started to get worse as our oldest was graduating from high school. A very busy year as I'm sure you know. He was again an absentee dad. He spent all kinds of "his" money on his hobbies and took time off work to attend his hobby related weekends while never being available to take time off for family stuff.
So after a particular difficult year with him (refused to help daughter w/college cause she wouldn't stay home and go to a junior college - she was an honor student, with scholarships offered and awards for her photography) and some very uncomfortable public scenes w/him throwing temper tantrums and b***hing me out in full view of strangers, family and the kids I went to see a lawyer.
He swears he had no idea how unhappy I was and still dosen't want the divorce. It took a full year of "negotiating" for him to finally realize that I get half of everything "he" worked for all those years! But I was officially divorce on January 20th of this year!!!!
For me - it's been scary and exciting all at once. Scary cause he drilled the message in my head for so many years that I was stupid and would never be able to do anything on my own. And exciting cause I'm proving to myself that I am a smart and resourseful person. I have bought a house and have a promising career and great friends and the best kids in the world.
Did I mention the kids were relieved when I finally filed? My daughter is on the dean's list at college while holding down 3 part-time jobs and plans on staying through the summer to make sure she finishes in 4 years. The last two years she will have to do loans or scholarships, and hopefully grants but she told me she is ready for it. My son is adjusting well to the absence of the daily put downs and negative attitude and of course the unpredictable temper that almost always ended in some kind of physical action. I've had him visit a thearapist and was told that he will do ok.
So you see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My situation is different than yours but similar in that I also had many doubts early on and was very depressed and worried but I kept my focus and my head up high. You can do it! Sounds like your stbx had his own agenda and that maybe you were a little blind in that department.
Get some professional help and keep up your physical strength and take care of yourself while you go thru all these stages of grief. Cause it is a grief process, just like when a loved one dies. Get some books and read them twice if you need to. But you will do ok - you will come out the other side stronger and wiser. Don't worry about meeting anyone else for a long while - you must take care of yourself and your children and then when you feel better you can open that can of worms! HA! Don't forget to laugh and stay positive.
Hugs,
e
Hello
I was married for 27 years to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. I was carefully manipulated so that I would never tell. Now I know that it is called "crazymaking". He went out in the world and bragged about me so that I stayed confused. Unlike the last post he was not abusive at all with the kids and was very careful to keep the majority of the abuse away from both our kids. Neither of the kids believe me about the abuse now.
The marriage ended when a third party entered the picture. He expected me to "act like an adult" and allow him to "date". The Holy Spirit guided me to move out of a house that was mortgaged to the nines and file for divorce. He fought the divorce not wanting the marriage but knew the financially he wouldn't get things his way. I now have a wonderful life and can have friends. It was too much work for him to be charming so we could never have people over.
It's humiliating what I endured. I also went to college and it took forever but I got teaching credentials. I teach math in a middle school and am good at it. He said any idiot could teach. He was threatened by my being good at something.
I also found a divorce recovery group called "Divorce Care" which is nationwide and you can find a local group online.
So now I have a great life ahead of me. I haven't started to date yet but am planning on it. I have done a great deal of healing in the last two years. I have a PO Box so he doesn't know where I live and will only allow contact through my work email. He tells people that I "went crazy and left" and people feel sorry for him. My adult children live in the house that I moved out of with their father paying all the bills. You can buy love. He lives with the girlfriend who emails me and whines about how he treats her. In the divorce settlement I waived alimony for him taking on the considerable marital debt. A double life is expensive. He has spent thousands and thousands wining and dining the girlfriend. Three expensive vacations too.
Anyone out there coming out of an abusive marriage should read Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It was a major eye opener to me.
God Bless and Good luck.
Mary