no way to contact him while he has kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
no way to contact him while he has kids?
11
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:20pm

My ex husband gets the kids every other weekend. He has, for about a month or so, had his cell phone turned off, this is the only way anyone can get in touch with him if needed.

I have sole custody with reasonable visitation to my ex husband. My daughter is 1 and my son just turned 6. I told him when he picked up the children for the last visit ( 1 week ago ) that he needed to find a way for me to contact him as he has been threatening legal action against me to get custody of the kids....... He was over an hour late bring the kids back last visit and I had no way of contacting him to find out what happened or if they were ok. I called his phone, hoping he had it on.... and he doesn't. He won't answer emails or texts.

Can I legally say to him, unless he gets a way for me to contact him if needed while he has the children then he can't have them? I don't like that his girlfriend is a known psycho ( borederline personality disorder ) she HATES me for some reason and both of them ( even though the courts found it better the children live with me and I have sole custody ) threaten me with custody. I am just afraid that something will happen.

What can I do?

Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks.

Angelena

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:56pm
I don't think you can decide on your own to stop visitation. You can contact your attorney and file something in court that you have a way to contact him in case of an emergency - in which case you should only do that if there is an emergency. Or you could request to be given 15 minutes each day they are with him to say hi to the children. That is also a reasonable request. Then if he does not comply he will be in contempt and the court can decide what action to take against him for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 2:54am

i think that he is being unreasonable - YOU have sole custody, and YOU have to have SOME way of making contact with them while he has them. (put aside the psycho gf for now...)


ask your lawyer - i wouldn't stop visitation on my own but there must be some way to make him be available.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 2:39pm

I would think you would have to have a way to contact him. If he is late consistently or you have a reason to worry I'd say take it to your mediator. Don't worry about him threatning custody because you have a legal agreement. Remind him of that. And as far as his girlfriend if legal action is necessary so be it. I have the same problem with my xh fiancee she hates me with the maddest of passions even though he left me for her. Explain that one?!

Becky

let us know how it goes.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 3:10pm

Hummm.... it's probably best to put the emphasis here on his being accountable to CONTACT YOU when he's running late.


I'm not sure how far you'll get pushing the "he needs to have a phone that he has to answer when I call" route.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 3:30pm

THanks everyone. I appreciate your advice.

I think it's more or less that how he is acting lately, I wouldn't put it past him to take off with the kids. I told him before the last visit that "I expected" that his phone would be in working order while he has the kids..... I let him take them without me checking to see if it worked, my own fault. I called him when they were so late on Sunday night and that's when I found out it was still off.

Everyone is so right that it needs to be what is in the kids' best interest. I am so tired of hearing the bologna excuse that he doesn't want this or that....he never looks at what the kids want or need.

I had a funeral to attend to yesterday, I had to find someone to watch the kids while I went. It was a close family member who meant a lot to me and was my SO's grandmother. Anyway, long story short, my sitter cancelled on me at the last minute so I was frantically looking for someone... my LAST resort was to try to get ahold of my XH to watch HIS kids..... he said no. Again, he isn't working, said he didn't want to do me any favors ( even though he left me for another girl ) and that was that..... He passed up the time to spend additional time with his kids.. for what... ??? And then I found out his phone was STILL off.... so case and point.... he doesn't care.

Our daughter is having surgery 3/1. She is only 1 year old. Would he want to be there? nope.

I guess I am just worried about his behavior. I really think he will bail with the kids if it comes down to it. I guess that's the reason I "freaked" when they were late and I couldn't get ahold of him on the phone..... when I told him that I needed a way to contact him while he has the kids, his girlfriend said, "do you want our home number?". I ignored what she said and looked back at my XH ( she comes with him everytime he has the kids and comes into MY house and makes herself at home ) he didn't give me any number.... I told him he should really think about it and get back to me because he would not give up the home number.

I have a call into my lawyer but have not heard anything back.

I really wish he had a reason not to talk to me, but then again if it was a valid reason, why would he offer to come here to pick up the kids instead of us taking them to him. ( yes I know the address )

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 3:44pm

Take charge... if you know where he lives, TELL HIM "I'll drop the kids off at "A


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 3:51pm

my ex played the same game. His cell was convieniently turned off too. In my state, if we are late for the other parent's custodial time, we have the option of filing custodial interference charges. I realize those may be a joke, but one hour late......you don't really know if he's on his way to Mexico or not! I finally wrote a civil, but firm letter to my ex, sent it certifed that simply stated what I felt teh challenges were, why I felt it was affecting the children and what I was going to do if it continued. I acknowledged I couldn't make him do anything, but that for the children's safety, I would call the police. My ex, who's a total twit and pushes every boundary, didn't even want to go there. The important thing is to follow through once you've said you were going to do it. I called the police department, they told me what I could legally do. You'll have something on file if you should go back to court, that he's not being reasonable.

What does your agreement say? That will determine if you can file contempt papers or not. Most states have suplementals attached to their decrees that give each parent the right communicate with the children, free of censor. My ex didn't tell me he had a home phone, kept his cell phone turned off and his girlfriend forbid me from calling the home phone which she said was HERS and that if I had business to do with the kids or my ex, then I could call his cell. It's a classic control thing. I filed contempt papers. I had those converations recorded. they were a bit more careful once my ex was facing litigation for that. I also took the kids to a counselor that did play therapy. The phone issue was causing some huge concerns for one of my kids. My ex knew I was taking them and knew the phone issues was being addressed. I did what I could to send the message I wasn't going to do that with either of them. It takes a long time, but hopefully, you'll win the right for the kids to contact you. Time has helped. I don't call the ex house unless the kids left sick or really upset or there is an emergency. It is disuptive to them, however, one of my daughters needed to be able to call when SHE wanted but was being denied access to the phone. she is adopted and has some separation anxiety anyway. She thought something was going to happen to me while she was gone and just needed that quick call to see if I was there. I tried all the nice letters and shared that with my ex, he didn't care. The GF made the rules,,,,,,which made it hard, but HE was still responsible and the contempt was filed against him.

If you have to, modify your paperwork to give you dedicated time. Your kids are young and they don't understand time frame, weekend, overnights. They just know you are not there and assume maybe you aren't there anymore. It's reasonable to have brief contact for the kids sake and every counselor I saw agreed to that. My kids were 2-10 yrs old, and i have 4. When your ex is playing games, you need to hit back with somethign that shows your boundaries. What you will accept and what you won't. Don't deny him visitation, but I would document if he's late and request that a clause be in your decree that states if he's later than 10 minutes, he has to call. That gives you recourse if you need to file contempt. You wouldn't want to file contempt for just that, but if you have 17 things, as i did, it begins to paint a very big picture that he's being a problem and not following the decree and if he files for custody............he's blowing smoke. He's not going to get it overturned without a huge fight and even then, it's pretty safe to say it probably won't happen.

Document everything. Record everything. Change the decree to force him to get a phone line installed. that doesn't mean he'll answer it, so make the wording state he has to have the kids available at a certain time. My brother's new wife has a clause that says that and he has no phone but has to take the kids to a phone at that time, or lose visitation.

Set your boundaries, be reasonable, but follow through. I sent a few letters via my attorney to my ex. Those have more punch than your own. He as angry, but he did stop doing some of the things that were addressed because when they are on paper, it looks bad!
Be firm. You are not asking too much to have contact with them during his time at that age. Every book will tell you that and so will your attorney. Be prepared for a back lash and him to ask for similar phone rights. Show his pattern, have everything well factually documented.......everything!

Best of luck! Fight this one.......from my experience, the kids will thank you. YOu can't imagine the anxiety that has been let go of with my kids because they can now call me if they want. (he still does phone games, but I raised the odds a lot more by calling him on it) They know I'm NOT screwing around on that issue, but it also cost me $7,000 to make that statement, which was okay, because in the end, the kids won. He may hate it, but the threat of being in court and facing jail time or fines or both (even if it's only on paper), makes someone be a tad bit more reaonsable and if it doesn't, Judges dont' appreciate seeing their faces a second round for the same offenses and they eventually, as my attorney said, will have the book thrown at them. Judges will do what's best for the kids (or try) especially when it's a completely reasonable request like that.

Start with a letter, then one from your attorney, make your thoughts clear and state what YOU will do if the behavior continues and be prepared (and do your research) to follow through!!!!

there is a book called "custody chaos, personal peace", get it. It will help you write a letter and keep some sanity in those gut wrenching moments. A weekend is a long time if you dont' know your kids are safe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 3:59pm

Looks like a great book!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 5:14pm

Wow, great advice....

What was said in your letter to him? I think that is a great way to start and sending it certified would be even better.

Our agreement says that I have sole custody with "reasonable" visitation. There is no specifics on days and times.

It also says that he will pay me X amount of dollars once the divorce is final regardless of his job status. I am not getting any money. I can atleast get him on contempt for that one.

What are the specs on money and child support? Does anyone know? I'm in New York.

I don't think I have a leg to stand on with the phone thing. I mean, he doesn't HAVE to have a phone..... but I would think that there be some way I can contact him while he has the kids...... Your right, they could have been in mexico!

hmmmmm, I will have to think about this... let me know on the letter.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 6:16am
In my state, both parents have a right to talk to thier children at any time, within reason of course. I think a daily phone call is very reasonable, if only for a second to say " Hi, I love you!" My ex pulles the same stunt as your's does. Whenever he does answeer the phone my daughter is ALWAYS in the tub or sleeping. His home phone is disconnected now, and his cell is always magically *out of service* or he has no reception. I am in the process of modifying our existing custody agreement (for many other reasons), but this is a very long process. It has been two years, and I am still waiting for my day in court!
Do you know what hurts almost as bad as missing my child? The fact that I have NEVER prevented out daughter from having contact with her dad. Not that I wouldn't love to, but it would only be hurting her. I don't understand these games, especially when I don't play them back. ( Thanks to Dr. Phil for keeping me on the right track!)

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