New, just looking for support
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| Fri, 02-18-2005 - 2:07pm |
Hi everyone, I have posted a few times but mostly have been lurking. Well yesterday afternoon I went to my attorneys to sign the summons. The original plan was that we would file uncontested and H had agreed but 2 weeks ago I got a call from my atty that H was filing. Turns out after all his yelling and screaming and threatening to take custody of DD from me, he is only looking for joint legal custody and visitation. I will have sole physical custody of her. We pretty much have decided everything about the schedule for our DD, the house is suppose to go on the market this weekend and then it is pretty much a waiting game until the house sells.
Unfortunately H is still carrying on with the neighbor and it is now affecting DD, so both my kids will be out of the house tonight and I am going to talk to H about the effect this is having especially on our DD. I don't really want to talk to him because he is unreasonable and wants to blame me for everything but my IC thinks I have to tell him, long story short, DD overheard a conversation on our answering machine last Friday with the two of them planning on meeting over the weekend.
I want to tell him if he continues like this he needs to move out and my attorney has assured me that we could go for temporary orders and be very successful but that will also rock the boat and will make things more difficult. I never wanted any of this but it has been H's choices and I must live with them. Ironically he is the one that wanted all of this and now he is the one crying that he won't have anything when it is done.
I am trying to remember that my past mistakes were just that mistakes and I am willing to admit to them but whatever I did or didn't do I NEVER involved my kids. I have an awesome support system (that I never realized) in place but there is still this lonliness that I feel even when there are people around. I know that my first concern has to be to move on and make a life for me and my kids and I am trying to do that. Its the little things that trigger the crying.
I guess I will be on here more and more as things progress. I am glad that there is a place that I can go and there are other people that are feeling/going/been thru what I am.
Thanks everyone.

hi daf... yep, we've been there... letme begin by saying that you are doing a good thing for your kids by not involving them in the issues that are between you and their father... you can't be repsonsible for anyone's actions but your own. Hopefully your stbx will take responsibility for HIS actions and not put his daughter in the situation of overhearing him "replace" her mommy... how sad for her... I know when I was little my dad died... and my mom always told me what a wonderful dad he was and how much he loved us... years later I found out he OD'd on Heroin and was a real turd. I can't help but admire what an amazing woman my mom is to not equate him being a lousy husband with what I needed to hear... she allowed me to love my dad as a child and make my own decisions about his behavior as an adult.
It's wonderful that you have a good support system... it's so important! I know this board helped me alot... there is something great about the anonymity and being able to say everything that you need to say without worrying that it may somehow get back to the ex... or that someone will judge you for saying it...
the loneliness is pretty normal from my experience... the reality is, no matter how great or crappy a husband he was, he was still a big part of your life... maybe not a healthy part, but a part nonetheless. It's pretty normal to grieve that loss... not so much the loss of him maybe, but the loss of the hopes and dreams that you held when you married for what the future would hold...
the good news is it DOES get better... be gentle with yourself, and give yourself permission to grieve as you need to. In time, the loneliness fills back up with all the positives that yo create and the empty hole goes away... hugs...
Well, we're here with ya... so any "more" that you want to post, we'll be here.
Hang in there.... it sounds like you've got your ducks lined up.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Welcome to the board!
First let me say hugs to you! I am so sorry you are going through this.
Secondly, please know that all of us on this board are here if you need to talk. I know that in my situation, these boards helped out a lot.... if nothing than to have someone there to talk to during the "lonely" times.
Now on to the advice.....
I know someone who tried to live with their "divorced" spouse even though they were not "together"... they claimed to do it because of finances. It never works. Someone will always be hurt and that does more harm than good to the children involved. ESPECIALLY if the OW lives next door. That child will start to ask questions and the answers might be ok to her, but not to you... it's like reliving the most hurtful thing that has ever happened to you and exposing your children to it ( unintentionally )
He has clearly moved on. Let him move in with this neighbor for awhile and you try to find something on your own. I know finances are an issue with every splitting family, no one wants to spend "frivilously" for fear of what will happen in the future. You really have to look at the priorities. You have to take care of YOU and your child.
Unfortunately, you can't tell your H who he can and can't see... chances are if you try to use your child as reason for him not to go next door, he will rebel BIGTIME. No matter what we use as reasoning, he will ALWAYS try to manipulate it into something that we are "jealous of". I know this from personal experience as well.
You have to let go. Bottom line is that the more you push for him to do things "for your child" he will rebel and worse things will be to come. You HAVE TO worry about you and your daughter and I really think that getting out now is the best choice. We all know it hurts and it will be hard... but you HAVE TO do it. You will be better off in the end. Look at it as improving your child's future. Living like this is no good for your child. They can feel tension and they certainly can feel when one parent is sad regardless of whether we cry in front of them or not.
I hope I have helped somewhat. Please let us know if you need anything.
Hugs,
Angelena