Telling my husband
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Telling my husband
| Sat, 02-19-2005 - 9:59am |
I recently discovered that my husband of 30 years has had several affairs. When I decide to confront him, it could mean the end of our marriage. Any suggestions as to how and when to tell him? I was thinking of waiting until our youngest goes off to college in the Fall so the rest of her senior year won't be upset, or I was thinking of trying to catch him in the act. He is in the e-mail and telephone stage of a new affair, and making plans to get together. Or should I just have a general discussion about our marriage (it isn't the best right now, obviously)without telling him what I know, and see where that leads? Thanks.

huge hugs...
i think that you have articulated the fear that many of us have - the dilemma between leaving things "as is", or facing the consequences that will come with the confrontation (and this is not *just* about marriage, it happens in every day life, work, kids, neighbors, parents, etc). but sometimes it is what we need to do - we need to KNOW.
just because you will confront your husband - it doesn't necessarily mean your marriage will end - it might, or it might not, but the question is: deep down, what is it that YOU want? after all, your marriage is not just about your husband and HIS needs and wants. you are an equal partner. so - if your husband tells you that he wants to remain married but he is not going to be faithful - is this good enuf for YOU?
I think, in your shoes, that I would consult with a marriage counsler - but on my own. and at the same time, and without saying a word to your husband, i would consult a lawyer. you already know that your husband is capable of cheating on you - you have to make sure he will not cheat you out of any monies that are rightfully yours.
and one last note: why do you want to wait? from everything that i have read - you are not doing your child/ren any favors by waiting until "they are out of the house". in short - DON'T use your kids as your excuse.
I am sending you huge hugs! this can't be easy - 30 years of marriage is not something that one can just shrug away....
30 years.... wow. That is such a long time and I certainly understand where your fears are coming from. My parents were together for 28 years and the reason was because my dad found his old girlfriend online and started an email and IM affair with her finally ending in him meeting her out somewhere. My parents are no longer together and the hardest day for me as a daughter was moving my mom out of "their" house, but all in all it was best for the both of them, I didn't play a single note in the whole thing. They needed to do what was best for them. I was 24 at the time.
I think in my own situation, my husband was cheating on me before he left and I was afraid of living without him. I thought in the beginning that I would be alone forever and my kids would hate me ( we have a 6 year old and a 1 year old daughter of whom I was pregnant with when he left ) I was worried about everything.... After awhile I began thinking clearly and knowing ( yes I said knowing ) that we would be better off without him. sk1960 is right, you have to do what is right for YOU. Your children have to know what is going on..... especially being of that age. It would be better for them and you to move on. It will be hard, no doubt, but whether it is now or in a year, it will still be hard. Remember that part of the problem is we still worry about our spouse regardless of what they did to us... we have to separate ourselves. HAVE TO. You can't move on until you separate yourself.
Do you want to live with him knowing he is out with another woman? It would break your heart every time.... and your kids would see you hurting. They are old enough to know......
So my advice is to do what YOU want. It's not easy living with a man who you know is seeing someone else. Maybe by talking to him about it you might be able to change things. Maybe seeing that it hurts you will change things.... bottom line is you just don't know until you try.
Hugs to you and I am so sorry you are going through this.
Angelena
I am not sure it is going to be better for your son to know this is all going on when he's away at college and homesick, not knowing where his home will be... sure it might impact him in his senior year but at least he'll be there and you can see if he's having problems and talk to him and let him know you both still love him and he can still feel secure knowing that.
I fully agree with seeing a marriage counselor but on your own so that you can figure out the best way to bring this up with your husband and also to sort through your feelings and what you really want to come out of the confrontation. A good therapist is a priceless support system (professional and unbiased, you won't get better advice from any other source).
You might just start by talking to him, saying "I feel....." type things.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~