Looking for answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Looking for answers
7
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 7:13pm

Shaking the cobwebs off my nick. It is an old one that I used when I posted on the 2 abuse boards. I am beyond that now but just as in need of insight and feedback. I remarried my abuser and the abuse stopped, except for some of the verbal but he did not follow through with promises of changes and I decided it was not worth trying any more, ever again.

I want to find answers within myself as to why life with this man became a habit for me. Usually on the board, you can find someone else who can relate or knows of some one who can or has insight or suggestions to help. I guess I have been a moth and he has been the flame in my life for off and on 30 years. Why would I go back to him when I knew there had not been significant changes made in the person, only in his outward habits? What is lacking in me that would not only allow this in my life but cause me to keep returning to embrace it? We were actually married 3 times to each other. We have been separated since Sept 2004 and he still calls to say he is waiting and loves me. As for me that road is closed by years and years of his chipping away at my love and it cannot be repaired. WHY? Do I still want to communicate with him. Please understand this man was a worse father most of the time than he was a husband. He is very selfish and our children (son age 23 and daughter age 14) have no relationship with him by their choice. Daughter only talks to him occasionally to ask him for money and son has not talked to him in over one year.

If anyone can suggest a book for me to read or another board to look on, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 11:30pm

Hi,

I haven't posted on this board much yet, mainly lurking. But I felt like I needed to respond to your posting, because I was just having a conversation with my counselor about this very issue! How I continue communicating with my STBX, seeing him, hugging him even, and the last time he kissed the top of my head and said, "I love you." And I said, "I love you too." I DO love him. And for some reason, I enjoy seeing him still and talking to him, etc... But the counselor pointed out to me that by doing all this, I'm allowing him to still have those benefits of being my husband. And he was the one who wanted this, not me, and he should face what it really is like to not be my husband anymore. He shouldn't still get to tell me stories about his day, certainly shouldn't get to hug me!

I could also relate to your wanting to figure out what's inside YOU that you allowed him to do this to you for so long. I'm in the same place. My marriage was 12 years. We separated for about a year, four years ago, and he came crawling back, and I took him. And about six months later, it was back where it was. But I stayed three more years. I want to know WHY, and I want to STOP! I want to have a normal happy relationship someday.

Anyway, I haven't read the book yet, but a friend has one called "Boundaries: Where do I end and you begin" or something like that, and she's going to let me borrow it. I think that's a huge issue for me, with others in my life, as well as STBX. I just bend over backwards trying to make other people happy, and I want to stop that and start working on making myself happy.

I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you're going through. I guess it's normal, or else we're both crazy!

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:03am

Hello and welcome to the board!

I battled with this very subject for the first few months after he left me. I missed him and wanted to talk to him SO BADLY, I became friends with his girlfriend. The one he left me for.....lol.

I know our situations slightly differ, but I feel I can relate to the Why's and How come's. I felt, I missed the idea of him. I had never been alone before... atleast not since A and I met. We had a child together, had gone through a lot together and I was pregnant with number 2! We were married, I thought we were invinsible.

I thought a lot about this.... I missed certain things about him, but if he came back would I really be happy? Would I trust him? Would someone I love/someone who loves me do this to me? The answer is no, they wouldn't. Some people can work through trust issues, but it's HARD. I now know that I would not have wanted him back as my husband and the way he has acted over the last year ( since I stopped "wanting" him ) I certainly know 100% sure as sure as I can possibly be, I don't want to be married to someone who hurt ME and MY CHILDREN.

I guess the point is, would YOU be happy if you were/are with him? Be honest with yourself. You have to look outside of the box. I did, and as hard as it was I filed for divorce ( even though it practically killed me ) and I am now officially divorced from him, a year later. If I can separate myself from him, anyone can.....

It's all about confidence in yourself. Don't let him walk all over you.....

I hope I have helped somewhat.

Hugs.

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:34am
Thank you so much for your posting. I have felt like everyone thinks I am crazy and does not understand at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:57am

Thanks for posting. It has been hard because we fell in love at age 16 and he was my first everything - kiss included. We have 2 kids together. Our son is 23 and our daughter is almost 14. He has no relationship with either, other than an occasional sentence or two if our daughter asks for money. Our son has been in a long-term relationship and can understand that you cannot always help who you love, but my daughter
loudly voices she cannot understand why I even talk to her biological father because he is a "selfish jerk." The separation in September was totally my idea. He had not lived up to the promises and I was tired of waiting. He was totally against the separation but agreed to move out by Sept 30 (this was Sept 4). He reacted though as normal, which for him is childish and got mad and would not even try to resolve anything and moved out Sept 6. Of course several weeks later he is wanting to talk and work things out.

I can honestly say I have no desire to live with him and I know my son would be disappointed in me as a person and my daughter would be devestated to have him back in the home. But gosh, I miss him or the idea of him or something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:05pm

Books???


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:43pm

I understand completely.

Another lesson I have learned is go with your gut. You can get through this. Unfortunately this happens way too much but the good news is we all get through it.

Hugs to you and if you need anything let us know.

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:49pm

You definitely deserve it!!!

As to WHY???, there are many, many books written on this theme. Abuse seems to be addictive, and even more from the point of view of the victim than from the aggressor. It is a tie very hard to break, and it seems that most women (and men) go back several times.

Just a few websites, where you may find more information: http://my.webmd.com/hw/emotional_wellness/shc07.asp
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19960501-000042.html is an interesting one, where you can read about other very smart people who found themselves in the position of the abused. It happens to all sort of people...

Congratulations on your decision.