It's been almost six years ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
It's been almost six years ...
4
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:56am

Hi.

I'm new to this venue, but I swear, I really need some support. It's been almost six years since my divorce, and emotionally, I don't feel any farther along than I did at day one. Oh, the constant crying has stopped, but I feel like my life has in a lot of ways, too.

Lately, I have been taking baby steps of late to take back control of my life: checking to make sure my credit is good so that when I have to leave the house I'm in (in the settlement, I got to live here until our son turned 18 and graduated high school but then I'm out), I can qualify to buy a house, I finally got his name off of the bill pay system we used .. that sort of thing. But I still haven't found "HAPPY" yet. Where's "HAPPY"?!

A little background: my parents divorced after 40 years of marriage as well. My father left my mom 1 month before my ex left me. Since that time, my father hasn't bothered to contact me or my brother much (one or two calls/notes a year is all) ... we never had a chance to discuss what happened or even attend the wedding when he married my stepmother. My whole foundation of love, marriage, the sanctity of marriage was turned upside down in the course of a few weeks; and even with therapy, I still don't date much nor do I have the passion for life that I once had. I'm too freakin tired after working 45-50 hours a week, raising a teenager, running a house ... is there something wrong with me?!

I've done the internet dating thing. I'm told I have to get happy to attract happy people into my life. Okay. Fine. How does one do that?! How do you find "happy" when you work constantly just keep status quo? I don't really have friends ... I have acquaintances. Everyone I know is busier than I am, or, worse, married. I've never been the greatest housekeeper in the world, but now it's impossible ... so I'm embarrassed to have people over. I live in a small college town (religious colleges, no less), so there is not really any nightlife to speak of unless you want to go to a casino or a bar (the bars aren't safe, either ... there were two stabbings just last week). Neither of which appeals to me. I don't really attend church ... I don't feel comfortable going alone. I took some classes at the local community college, but the ones that appealed to me ended up being only women ... and although we made an attempt to keep in touch, we all got mired down in our own lives again and it fell apart. I live about 30 minutes from a big city, but I'm afraid to go there alone ... especially at night. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

Do any of you find that you're stuck? That "happy" is just beyond your fingertips and you have no idea how to get closer to it? How do you get to the point where you can do things you want to do alone without feeling scared or awkward? Maybe just talking with people that have experienced the same feelings and have found a way out of this fog will help me understand how (or why) I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I feel like life is just not worth living anymore ... thank god for my son ... he's the one that keeps me here!!

Sorry this is such a sad letter. I'm just stuck and scared that I'll always feel like this!

~~h~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 12:38pm

Hi Holly and welcome to the board. Yes, I know where you are right now. I've been there and sometimes I find myself there again. Yes, it's true, you have to find happiness within yourself before you will be happy elsewhere. But how? I know when I get down, I see all that I've accomplished. I've maintained my home, took care of my kids (2 boys), kept my job. I'm independent and caring. Sometimes listing all the positives in your life helps alot. Do something (a hobby, a class, etc) that YOU want to do for you. Not for the reason of "maybe I'll meet someone here". When you let go of the "I want to meet someone" Or "I need to meet someone"....you become more relaxed. And when it happens, it was meant to be-not forced.

One comment about church-If you want to go-go! Dont worry about going alone. I do it all the time. It's really not a big thing.

If you still cant find the happiness and you still feel like if it werent for your son, you wouldn't be here...then seek counseling. You have to have your own life. Yes, your a mom, but you are also a woman. This is where I get stuck-I need to take care of ME. In the long run, my kids would be happier if I'm happier. Sometimes counseling can help you. Please consider that. Either that or a low dose of antidepressants may help. These can help you get over that hump....

Good luck to you and please hang in there! YOU are WORTH it! Have faith in yourself. Be proud of where you are and what you've been through, yet survived. You are a strong person. You just have to start believing it!!!

Hugs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 3:59pm

Thank you for your kind words. When I was a kid, I was always taught that to "toot your own horn" so to speak was the epitome of arrogance. I guess that really did settle all the way into my bones, because now I have a hard time looking at myself and saying, "hey, you sexy, smart, wonderful thing, you!"! LOL

I understand what you're saying about going to counseling and the anti-depressant route, and I wish I could afford to do that. We don't have a very reliable free counseling service here in this town and I have no health insurance, so it's pretty much out of the realm of possibility for me. I did go to a counselor right after the divorce for a while, but at $80 per weekly session, as well as the $100 per month for meds, it was just too much for my budget. I have to do this on my own somehow. Having somewhere to go to talk with people who don't look at me like I have three heads is helpful. I'm grateful there are boards such as this where I can say "HEY! I need HELP!" and there are women who have been there and who understand all the fears and anxieties and stresses.

Just hearing that things WILL get better is a great comfort. I can't go to my mom, coz she's still reeling from her own divorce from my father, so the one person that I've always gone to with my problems is out of the loop now. That's a hard thing to bear sometimes ... coz she has the same questions and hurts and fears that I do, and I don't want to worry her that her daughter is losing her mind. Which it sometimes feels like I am.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Just being able to put these feelings down on paper and to realize that I'm not the only one helps more than anyone will ever know!!

~~h~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:43pm

I'm sorry your situation finds you this way holly. Check out Divorce care. They have a terrific support group that lasts (I think) about 8 weeks. I hear this is great! I believe the website is www.divorcecare.org or .com. Check it out to see if there is a group near you. They are usually held at churches, but it's non denominational.

As for counseling--does your employer have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? COntact your HR person. If they do, you can get counseling through them for free. Usually up to 3 sessions are free. It's worth a shot.

To meet people, have you considered joining parents without partners? (www.parentswithoutpartners.org). They do social things and support groups, etc. Check them out as well.

You're going to be ok. I'm so sorry your mom is going through this as well. Maybe you two can lean on each other and go to the above group together to help each other get through this. It couldnt hurt!

Hugs

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 8:58am

Thanks for the suggestions. There is no Parents Without Partners group in my town - - I have already checked into that. I work for a real estate company as support personel (office manager) and since there are only two employees at my office, there is no EAP of any sort ... and not being a realtor, I don't qualify for any type of assistance through the realtors' associations. I didn't know about Divorce Care, though, so I will check around to see if there is such a thing here.

My mother and I lean on each other some, but I find myself leaning less on her than she on me. I've not only lost a husband, I lost my father ... he doesn't contact me except for the occasional cards for holidays. He's never called just to see if I needed help or a hug or anything like that. He doesn't even contact his grandson ... my son has to call HIM whenever there's communication. I've tried to keep the lines of communication open, but he's made it clear that any communication will be on HIS terms. There's so much hurt and animosity about how things happened and the lack of communication and closure that my family will never be the same. *I* will never be the same.

It's people like me ... people left behind without health care and without means to buy into the system or pay their own way ... that really are floundering. Thanks to places like here, though, we have a voice and a way to get in contact with other women (and men) who have been through the same and will say "hey, you're gonna be alright". I appreciate your ideas ... and your ear. Thanks so much!

~~h~~