how do you know what's best for child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
how do you know what's best for child?
13
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:38am
first post here-thanks for reading-if I should be at a different board plz let me know-
In a nutshell, my ex-boyfriend and I split 2 years ago and to save my sanity I moved with our 2 year old daughter to the small town I grew up in, 300 miles away, and have remained in the same place since. My ex was supportive of this at the time and has remained very involved with financial support and regular visitation. My daughter is thriving in a beautiful school with new friends and my family close by to support us. She adores her Dad and looks forward to their visits every other weekend. I should mention he lives in a large urban area, which makes our town look like Mayberry! Aside from the long drives to get them together, and my having to do 95% of the parenting alone, I feel the situation has been positive overall. Well, my ex is no longer satisfied and wants me to move back, nearby but not with him, so he can be closer to DD. He holds the financial support over my head, like he's paying and should have her closer. It's very confusing for me. If I'm to move back, I leave all the support I've enjoyed here and must uproot my 4 year old from her safe secure lifestyle and deal with my ex on a much more regular basis. He's been in a relationship for about a year and it's hurtful to me and frankly I don't need that in my face everyday. My question is...should a child live near her father when possible, even at the risk of losing the consistancy and structure we've established? I'm a good mother and she's an amazing kid. I don't want to deprive her of a closer relationship with her father, but I see great sacrifices having to be made, mostly from me. Thanks again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:10am

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for posting on our board!

I'm sorry you and your child are going through this.

Knowing what is best for the child.... that is a tough one. On one hand I think that it shouldn't be up to you to make the relationship work with your child and her father. Between the distance factor and the life you have made, I really think it would be up to him to make some sacrafices to be closer. You have done everything you can to make a life for your child and now it is his turn to help out. Even if he has to take a day or a weekend trip to see her, it should not be your "problem" if that seems unrealistic to him. If he is as you say he is and 100% devoted to her, let him worry for a bit as to how to improve his already devoted relationship with his child.

On the other hand I understand where you are worried about her relationship with her father. I worry too.... except my X husband lives 15 minutes away and only takes the kids every other weekend. I fight to get him to take them more and spend additional time with them.. he doesn't budge. I fight even though I tell myself that I shouldn't worry about it and he loses in all of this... but I still worry about the kids hating their father.

I guess your in sort of a catch 22 situation. You have made a lot of sacrafices already, for the best of your child. You can be proud of that. Your daughter will respect you for giving her a life that doesn't fit the cliche of most divorced/split families.

I understand your dilemma completely.... I hope I have shed some light on this for you... do what's right for you..... let him worry about his relationship with his child and make the efforts to see her. Distance or not.

Good luck!

Hugs,

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:27am

'Scuse me, but I just don't understand. If he's not your boyfriend and is in a new relationship, what entitles him to tell you to change your life? That's the kind of move people make for committed partners, not used-to-bes. He had the option to disagree when you said you were moving in the first place. Now you're there and you have a life and he wants you to give it all up for no other reason than to convenience him. If he wants to be closer to your daughter, he has the option to move.

Best of luck, mama.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:13pm

He can't hold the child support over your head. That is a legal obligation and if he stops paying it you can file through the state to have his wages garnished. Legally you are on solid ground not moving since he agreed to the move originally, no court would force you to move back.

If it were me, meaning I was the child, I would think living near both my parents would be a ton more important than consistency of school/neighborhood, especially at age 4. The move would uproot her temporarily, and it might be a little tough to make new friends and get used to a new place but 4 year olds adapt really quick to that kind of thing, and if you can provide a secure stable home for her in the other city, then she's not losing out on anything by moving - she would only be gaining. 300 miles is a lot for her to be traveling every other weekend, and that's one-way!

If I were you, being the mom, I would consider it. I wouldn't just give into his demands though. I would look for what is in it for me too. You are going to have to move and changes jobs and you need to know for certain that you will be okay in the new city, happy, financially secure, etc. Are there any benefits to moving? Is there any way to get him to move closer to you? What if there is a place somewhere in between where you could both create separate lives but be near each other for your dd's sake?

If you decide not to move, I would be very gratious about it. Telling your dd's father than no, you don't have to isn't going to settle the situation in his mind. My guess he simply does not like being away from his child - which means he's a good father looking for a way to be a better father - and that deserves some respect. Let him know that you do want him to be closer to his dd, but right now it's just not financially or otherwise possible for you to move, and that if you did, you'd be right back in the position you were in, unhappy being away from your hometown. It's not good for your dd to live with an unhappy mom - and by the same token it's not good for her to have a dad that has to be so far away from her either - which is why it's best to try to find some sort of compromise that you both think is fair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:27pm

ALL CAPS 'CAUSE I'M STILL IN A CAST ON MY RIGHT HAND. SORRY ABOUT THE HAT.


I AGREE WITH ONE ADDITION. I WOULD ALSO ADD THAT IT IS IMPORTANT THAT MOM HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I THINK THAT THERE HAS TO BE A BALANCE. THAT CAN ONLY BE FOUND ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS. IT IS BETTER TO HAVE THE CHILD NEAR BOTH PARENTS. HOWEVER, IF MOM IS NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR FAMILY WHERE HE LIVES AND THIS MOVE WAS MADE 2 YEARS AGO, IT MAY NOT BE IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. IT'S SO DIFFICULT TO JUDGE!


STEPH

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:54pm

Sorry about your hand still!

I agree to some extent. I live in a place with no support system (moved here when I was married). I agreed to stay (with no support system) because my mom moved away from my dad, and my ex's mom did the same when he was young, and we both sufferend not having our fathers involved in our lives as we grew up. The key here is the father in the OP is a good father. My ex is a good father and it would be really hard on my dd to not grow up near him - a lot harder than it is on me to have no support system. And I do have more support from her father than I would if I lived far away - I can call him if I'm running late and can't make it to daycare, or if something comes up he is always there for her - it's a win-win for my dd (the caveat being he wants to and is always there for dd). Since I'm the mom, I'd rather make the sacrifice (no support system) than have my dd make the sacrifice.

I do agree mom needs to have a life and be happy, and the move was a while ago... the father's time to contest the move would have been before it happened, not a few years after the fact.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:28am
Wow! Thanks for all your responses! It feels so good to know I've been "heard" and you all really seem to understand my predicament. You've got some great insight and ways of looking at this that I hadn't considered. Firstamendment, my mom moved away from my dad too, perhaps that's why it felt so easy to do.
At the risk of asking too much, I'd like to add some details I left out and if anyone can continue to hash this out with me...I can't even tell you how helpful that would be!
My ex has his own business and travels a lot, often with short notice and for long periods of time. And he definitely can't move away from the city because of his work. These were some of the reasons for our splitting and helped with my decision to move. However, his parents and siblings live very close to him and are extremely helpful with DD (on her weekends with him, she spends as much time with them as with him). So we would have that support for us if I did move back.
Also, I mentioned the financial support, well this guy has been paying out well beyond what the courts would order him for child support. Probably five times as much. See, because we were never married, we've never filed any kind of court order so there is no enforceable support amount. I've been able to basically be home with my kid aside from some odd jobs on the side because he's been so generous with his money (he has it...he lives much more comfortably than we do). It sounds irresponsible, but I was advised to not push the court order thing because I would "lose" the extra money he's been giving me. How's that? Gets tricky, makes my head spin!!!:o
K-
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 3:44am

NOT SURE THAT THESE PIECES OF INFO WOULD BE A PUSH ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. BOTH PROS AND CONS TO IT ALL. WOULD BE CURIOUS AS TO WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU MOVE BACK RIGHT NOW??? I MIGHT BE LEARY OF THAT.


WOULD YOU ALWAYS GET ALONG W/ HIS FAMILY LIVING CLOSER? PROBABLY NOT. YOU CAN ALWAYS OFFER TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE GETS TIME W/ THEM.


FINACIAL SUPPORT. WHO GAVE YOU THAT ADVISE? I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE CS GUIDELINES ARE WHERE YOU ARE, BUT W/ HIS HAVING ACCOMODATED YOUR STAY-AT-HOME MOM STATUS AND PAID SO MUCH OVER A 2 YEAR PERIOD, IT MAY BE THAT A JUDGE WOULD OVERRIDE AND ORDER THAT HE STILL PAY THAT MUCH.


PROS AND CONS...


STEPH

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 9:05am
Thanks Steph!
Well, as for the reasons it seems like it's time to make a decision one way or another to move or stay...I've had my life on hold in terms of full-time work and truly planting my roots here for myself because I've had all these doubts about whether we should be here or there for the past two years, reinforced by my ex constantly expressing his wishes that we be there. It's all so unresolved and leaves me with constant doubt, no way to live! Also my child is now of the age where she's realizing her life is different, her friend's Dads live with them (unfortunately we know very few single parent families here) and the drive is starting to get to her (it's about 3 hours one way). And I'm seeing how the weekends with Dad are going to start to prevent her from attending activities like soccer and friend's parties. Also, she is eligible for kindergarten in the fall and I'm faced with those decisions, once she starts school her city visits will get much more complicated and shorter. Their schedule will have to change to include vacations and summer mainly. I don't want her to start school here and in 2 more years pull her out to move, or is that not such a big deal??
This dialogue is very helpful to me, I'm starting to see things more clearly. It's clear there's no easy answer...maybe that's it...there's no right or wrong decision????
fondly, K~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:23am

Dialogue (talking it out) can be extremely helpful in making a difficult decision. You can also have a dialogue with yourself. Open up Word and just start typing everything you feel about the possibility of moving, pros and cons and just anything that pops into your head. If you are thinking about it again in a few hours, open the file back up and type some more thoughts. Often times the right answer is inside your head, you just have to sort through everything to realize it.

I think the extra information you posted is helpful, and the points you made about the drive wearing on your dd, the weekends away interupting kid activities, etc., are important too. I posted my opinion on the move, it would be good for your dd, not necessarily good for you. But since you've posted this additional information, I'd like to ask you what you feel about the idea moving. As far as roots, careerwise can you plant roots in the new city? What would you be leaving behind, friend and family? Anything else? There are many positives for your dd if you move, are there any positives for you? I think you are right that if you are going to move, it sounds like now is the time to do it.

One thing that pops into mind is that if you do move, you and him should agree on a set amount of child support and have that put in writing and notarized. You don't have to go through the courts, but if you are going to be counting on the money, you should have something showing that he agreed to pay you $x for x amount of time. Also, you should include the guidelines of visitiation, if it's going to stay the same or change, etc. Just so you know you are on the same page. Putting it in writing gives you something to take into court if you have to go - a verbal agreement gets you nothing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:24am

Hi STEPH ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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