my husband wants a divorce...! my story
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| Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:19am |
Hi. I am a 41 year old woman who's been married for almost 20 years. My husband told me on Valentine's day that he wants a divorce. I am still in shock, but I feel anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and I've also felt like I don't want to live. As soon as this started happening, I did go to my doctor and inform him of my situation, and he put me on Paxil and Xanax. I have a history of generalized anxiety and panic, and stressful situations makes it so much worse.
I am very panicked about my situation, because I am currently not even employed...I was in the process of trying to find a job. (more on that later). I have basically lived my whole life around my husband, and my now 13 year old daughter. I've been married to him half my life, and all I know is taking care of him, my daughter, and our home. I do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, with very little help from him.
My husband and I are two very different people. The biggest difference is that he is often very cold and unemotional with me, and there have been years of feeling unfulfilled. I am a very warm, affectionate, and loving person, both physically and verbally. There was a time in our marriage that he never even told me he loved me. We also have differences in other areas...he says we have different needs, desires, values, opinions.
I have tried everything to save this marriage, and make the situation better, even to the point of knowing that I'd have to settle and accept things the way they are. He had agreed to go to marriage counselling with me, and we did, but it now appears that we're going to continue with counselling to help get us through our divorce. I told him I love him and want to save our marriage, even for the sake of our daughter, but he told me he doesn't want the same thing, that the same problems and unhappinesses and unfulfillments on both our parts are going to keep coming up...that he doesn't want to put any more work into it. I am angry because I did not agree with this decision he made, and it will affect all of our lives. I do not want my life to be altered, or my daughter's. When I asked him about has he thought how this will affect our daughter, he said, she'll adjust.
I know she'll be taken care of financially, and all I want now, if this is going to happen, is for him to do the right thing and take care of me as well, to be fair. I have an appointment for a consultation with my own attorney next week, just to be sure of my rights, and what I am entitled to. He wants this to be an amicable divorce, and says that we'll always be a family to some extent...he wants us to be friends (but at this point, I told him I can't even imagine that). He won't move out and go for a separation, because he can't afford to, so he is here with me, sleeping on the sofa. He says he wants me to be comfortable and happy, and will give me anything in the house that I want, and has even offered for me to keep the better of our two cars and still make the payments on it. I wish to remain in our house, but he says we can't afford that...although I know that things can be worked out with attornies and division of assets and property. I told him he has no right to make the decision to sell our house on is own.
He knows he'll be taking on most or all of the financial burden, because I don't even have a job, and when I do find one, my earning potential is far lower than his is. (He makes $40 an hour, the most I've ever made was $12 an hour, to give you an example). I never furthered my education, or was financially independent, I always worked part time jobs in order to take care of him and our house...my whole life, I put that first.
This is my situation...I am so scared and lost, and sick, mentally and physically. I need all the emotional support that I can get. Our families know, and love us both and have been trying to support us, but I know it may come to the point that they don't want to get too involved, or try to remain impartial. I have absolutely no family other than an older sister, who has a family of her own. We are fairly close, but I really I have nowhere to go should something really bad happen. I'm scared of the unknown, but know that there are many people who've been in this same situation. I'll update this post more later...thanks for letting me tell my story.

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are going through this.
First off, you did the right thing by making an appointment to see an attorney. That is the first step. GO THROUGH WITH THAT APPT!!!! You have to know what your rights are before you can make any logical decision with regards to belongings, alimony or even the divorce itself. Do some research for your state on the divorce laws and ASK QUESTIONS! Start writing them down even today..... make sure you get everything you want out of this consultation.
Secondly, I completely understand you being scared. It is tough just to be told that he wants a divorce let alone everything else that goes with it. I was 4-5 months pregnant when my XH left me and our 5 year old. I had left my job a year before to take care of our son and to take care of my then terminally ill mother. When he left, I thought my world had ended. All of my "friends" were his friends, I had no one to go to as my mother was sick and dealing with my father leaving her as well.... no one to talk to. I thought a few times that I shouldn't live. I thought I was the biggest screw up that walked the earth...... When I was still pregnant I fought so hard to get my XH back, then I found out he was seeing someone else. I lost it completely. I thought, OMG, he isn't coming back. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???? So, I took it one day at a time. I was unemployed so finding things to occupy my time during the day, was a huge challenge. I picked up the phone and started calling friends from high school and friends that I hadn't spoken to in years. I got in touch with a few and the first calls were tough, I won't lie, I had to explain my situation more times than I could handle... but in the end they were all supportive. I even had an offer for me and the 2 children to move into their home. I spent a lot of time online, didn't sleep much....... I also decided to "clean house" so to speak.... I took down all the "family" photos ( except a few that I hung on the wall in my son's room ) I packed up all his clothes, took out all the "memories" and packed them all up into garbage bags. I called him and demanded that he come and get them. I told him I didn't want to see him, I would leave them in the back hallway. Then I started taking care of me. It was SUCH a struggle. I relied a lot on my neighbor who was a close friend of mine and former best friend of his. I got groceries from him because my H had lost his job in October, so from October to December I had to fend for myself. It was a fight getting money for groceries... so I stopped asking XH and asked a friend next door. He helped with no problem. Then, I had my daughter. That day, I sat in that hospital all alone for 4 hours in heavy labor. My XH was there for her delivery, but left immediately after. That day I decided, I HATED HIM and that I COULD DO THIS ON MY OWN. I had to fight to get a ride home from the hospital from XH.... I couldn't believe it. I went home, took our daughter home and he left within 5 minutes. The more I saw the more angry I got and the more I was out to prove him wrong. He said I couldn't do this alone. He did pay support but told me I HAD TO find a job within X amount of time. I did... I even forwarded ALL 70 resumes I sent out via email... he got mad I clogged up his email box...lol.... I finally found a job paying peanuts. 10.00 an hour. I took the job because I found daycare cheap enough through a friend. 2 weeks later I was offered another position making double what I was making.
I guess what I am saying is it starts with you. You have to decide that YOU WILL BE OK. You have to decide that YOU CAN DO THIS. Truth of the matter is, divorce is never ok for the parent who takes the child full time. Financially it stinks. But I made a nice life for my kids making what I was making in combination with the child support I was getting. I could pay the bills and eat.... my kids were happy and I was beginning to be happy. It is a self satisfaction to be able to be on your own. I did that for a few months. Then I met a wonderful man of whom I now live with.
Things just fall into place when you decide YOU WILL BE OK. I know it's early in your proceeding but you will be ok too. I know it's scary, but EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Who knows, maybe you will find a great job that will pay even 12.00 an hour, your exH will be required by law to pay support and alimony along with a percentage of child care ( if you should need an after school sitter ) and you will be OK. Your XH is losing here... he is losing the self supporting confident woman that comes out of EVERY divorced woman once they accept who they are and that THEY WILL BE OK.
I can be your cheerleader if you need one ;)
You will be ok. If I came through this... anyone can. I was in your position once and I made the decision to NEVER be in that place again... you can do this!
Hugs,
Angelena
Sorry to hear about this.
First off, go through the with the lawyer appointment. Adhere to local/state guidelines. I suspect your hubby does not realize what he's signed up to do by getting a divorce. As difficult as it sounds, be dispassionate in the dealings regarding all things divorce. Emotion only serves the lawyers by delaying the proceedings and running up lawyer fees. In the end, you'll get something very close to "guidelines" anyway.
Keep very close tabs on the use of the meds and establish a proper dosage ASAP. I completely understand how helpful paxil can be.
Good luck.
OH!!!! Dear!!! on Valentine's day, of all days! what a nice choice...
Darling, of course you are in shock. YOu must be brimming with fury and bitterness! but live, you must. It is a good thing your doctor knows and will be able to follow you through, do not let the situation go out of hand and become depressed.
I guess feeling panic is normal, when facing such a sudden situation. You will need some time to come to term with all your feelings - and to be able to help your girl coming to term with hers. Your being warm and affectionate will help you and her to bond and face the immediate future! It is true that she will adapt. This is not the worse that could happen to her... the worse is seeing you two being enemies - use your strength, and preserve civility, as hard as it is.
It is my feeling that your husband (future ex) is actually giving you back a life to live in a happier manner. What you talk about is not a happy marriage. You say it yourself: "I'd have to settle", "years of feeling unfulfilled". It can be hard to let go, hard to say "stop". Having differences is one thing, quite another is feeling alone in it. Even such a big decision is taken unilaterally!
I am not sure he knows what he get into. It is true that he cannot decide alone to sell the house - but it may be true that money could be tight. Listen very carefully to what your lawyer says in the next few days... also, while it will be difficult to find a job now, perhaps doing something for your education could take your mind off the present. Computer skills, typing... Exel... look into classes, you will be happy for any marketable skill you could put on a resumé.
Could you take a few days off, to spend visiting a close by friend or your sister's family? you would need the tender loving care and a bit of pampering... You also need to learn to put yourself first - it is the only way to be able to give to others without being totally drained. Let other help you.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. And a loss it is ... a grieving process has begun.
I remember when my XH told me he was leaving ... I caught myself in the middle of Hobby Lobby imagining him holding someone else's hand, and I had a panic attack. I was married for 14 years, but for the last 5 or more of those, I can remember standing at my door thinking "So this must be what prison feels like". How sad that was! But it was all I had known for 14 years, and I wasn't sure it should be different. I thought "marriages ebb and flow" ... but now I know they don't make you feel isolated and alone, stupid and scared,in a roomful of people! I understand the fear and the hurt you're going through right now. Soon will come the anger, and that will fuel your determination. My XH's anger that his life wasn't going according to his plan turned to blaming me and that turned into physical abuse. For me, that was the moment my heart said "SEE YA!" You will have your "SEE YA" moment, too .. I guarantee it.
One BIG piece of advice: research your attorney carefully. I paid mine a pretty penny to do nothing but file papers. I ended up having to negotiate my own settlement and all that because my "high profile" attorney was a blowhard do-nothing that wanted money for wiping his ... well, you get the picture. When I needed guidance, I got nothing but sarcasm, and I was too deep into it financially to change at that point. So, be sure to ask around and research before you plunk your money down.
Call on anyone that you're close to ... be they friend or family. Let them know you need help. I had no job when my XH left me, either, but I called a few of my friends and one just happened to be hiring for a job that I knew I could do. You have to take back yoru own life, sweetie, as scary and impossible as that seems right now. The more control you take back the less he has over you!
Beyond that, about the best thing you can do is BREATHE. You have to keep breathing for your daughter ... she needs you. YOU need you. And don't think the 20 years of feelings are going to just go away overnight. You have to let yourself grieve this loss and move through your hurt at your own pace. People will look at you and say, "Aren't you over that yet?" You have every right to say, "Heck no I'm not, but I might be tomorrow!!" You will find your feet again .. and you will find your life is much better without him than with him. It just will take a while for you to do that.
Someone once told me that every day that you wake up on the right side of the dirt is a GOOD DAY because it's another day that you'll have a chance to take back your life and make it YOURS! Keep hugging that little girl of yours ... she's gonna wonder if it's all her fault. Let her know she's loved beyond measure by the both of you .. even if y'all arent' together anymore. The hardest thing is to remain neutral and let your kids discover for themselves what a wiener another person is!
Hug and prayers for you ....
~~h~~