New Here-- divorce just getting ugly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
New Here-- divorce just getting ugly
3
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:28am

Hi everyone! I'm new to this board. I'm just absolutely sick. I asked for this divorce after one year of therapy and no progress. My husband never showed me any type of affection. He would have sex with me without kissing me. He disrespected me and made me feel unloved constantly. He claims that this is just part of his personality, but he was never like that before. Finally the issues got so bad that I found myself craving affection from other places. I finally started having an affair with a friend of his. I know the affair was wrong... but I also see it as something I did because I was so isolated from any type of normal relationship and really craving that love and affection. Hey, thats no excuse but it made me realize just how deep rooted my marital problems were if they were making me do this type of thing.

Anyway, I'm not with OM anymore. Things were just never right. I went to see a lawyer on Jan 6, but had told DH on Christmas Eve that we could work it out if he would make a committement to try. He refused at that time, not knowing that I had had this affair. He moved out on the 7th... got fixed up with a girl on the 9th.... our divorce wasnt really filed until the 20th of January.

Just last week I had found out about his new girlfriend. I know that its just jealousy.... and that he could never be who I wanted him to be. This doesnt make me want him back. It just makes me wish that he could have shown me the same affection he is showing her now. WHY not his wife? Why not the mother of his children?

I suppose in some sick way that I deserve this all. I know it was just not going to work. But it truly does hurt really bad to see him give something I WANTED to desperatedly to someone else.

I could type a ton more tonight, but I'll save the other stuff for separate posts later. I really need the support of you people here. Please dont judge me harshly. Just tell me what I can do to get through this alive!!!! Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:20am

I'm thinking that he'll treat someone new the same way he treated you.... he'll do the affectionate stuff to get them hooked, then he'll withdraw.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:00pm

honey - nobody is going to judge you. we have all made mistakes or done things we've regretted - and we are all here to help others and be helped.


i think that what you are feeling is normal - you have lived with an abusive man for several years (I don't know how long you were together). you may not THINK he is abusive - but he is. he disrespected you, with-held love and sex, etc. that is not the way a husband should act. so after having your self esteem trampled on for years, you are now OUT of there - only you are feeling lost... hang in there honey. there IS life after divorce. i lived with a man like your STBX myself for 7 years. sexual issues, control issues, emotional abuse - you name it, he did it. and i thought that i could NEVER make on my own. but - now that i am out of that mess - i realize that i spent SO MUCH energy and effort on HIM and HIS ISSUES - that i could never deal with ME and with my son.


in the year or so since we are separated (divorced around 6 months) I have: moved. paying all my bills. working full time. got a promotion. went back to school. my son who was a mess - is back on track.


take it easy - you are feeling hurt, and angry and you WILL get past this. remember this:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 6:59am
i know youre upset but you DONT deserve this. dont blame yourself. my ex-h was just like yours from the sounds of it, and he blamed me for literally everything. he blamed me for not forgiving him for major screw-ups fast enough for goodness sakes. then he would do the same thing again and say it was because i hadnt forgiven him. you didnt say what this guys family was like. mine were conservative christians, and they had raised him to believ that women had no opinions and if they were unhappy shouldnt speak. (ok ok, i know i should have known better, but i was in love and he swore he was different. and he WAS different. until we married. then he truly thought i should turn into a meek agreeing woman no matter what he did). im sorry for rambling but my point is just to share with you that i really think you did the right thing in leaving. the first year was hell for me, i felt guilty, wondered if i did the right thing, etc. but now that my emotions arent so strong i can see how awful it was. i questioned myself a lot but i had dear friends (amazing, since he tried his best to keep me from talking to anyone out of jealousy). i have to steal a thought from chocoholics post and agree that i had no idea how much energy i was putting into trying to cope with him! i wont ramble into it but the guy tried his best to ruin my career (and actually did sidetrack me for years). hindsight is fantastic and i had friends who had been divorced and told me how normal it as to go through all this. i thought it would be simple, right? i mean if it was that bad i should leave and not care. but it takes time. as for your mistake, certain men (my ex among them) think so lowly of women that they truly believe they will have an affair. although i didnt, my ex really thought i was such a slut (after all, why else would i want to be working after marriage if not to see men each day? according to him) that i can see how women with a man like that may almost be driven to it. in my opinion. i dont think hes going to change, this thing youre describing is a temporary act to make you jealous/make her like him. be strong. dont blame yourself for the fact he wont help you make a relationship work. a guy like this would blame you for something no matter what so dont beat yourself up about any mistakes. im sorry i rambled. best of luck to you.