This is hitting Below the Belt! ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
This is hitting Below the Belt! ...
5
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:08am

I am not the most religious person ever - i mean, i am, but Im not a totally practicing Catholic. I beleive in a lot ... some of it, but i dont attend church often, not in a couple of years.

In college, i had a Psyc professor who was an Irish preist. He was the one i went to Kenya with for four+ months, then back again the next year. He & I became very good freinds. He married us, & he came to the hosiptal to see Ave when i had her. & he also baptised her, of course. He is a wonderful man & we were pretty close for a while. Shared dinners occassionaly, etc. Then, over the past couple of years, although he still was at our parish, we werent going to church anymore & we lost touch. He is now about maybe 60'sih, or more.

So, who calls me today? him! I knew RIGHT AWAY that Mike had called him. My 1st thought was he is SO desprate that he calls Fathe Mike out of the blue after 2 YEARS??? But Fr. Mike felt that he called him "b/c he didnt know where else to turn". I filled him in a bit on what has happened ... & i could tell he was very disturbed by what i was telling him. He asked me if Mike was in AA & i said not as far as i know, but "If you have to hit rock bottom to do it, i hope this is it for him" & he said "Oh Miss Rebecca (thats what he calls me), i think it is for him. He seems pretty lost & desperate. He told me this is not your fault, it is all he who is to blame & he isnt upset at you - he knows its all his fault & he will do anything to make this right". At that point i said "Just so you know, there is a RO on him & he cannot ask you to pass info to me". He assurred me he woudlnt allow that, but he would like to meet with me. (not w/ Mike & me, just me alone). I told him that i didnt think it would do any good, b/c i wasnt giong to go to meet with him if he (or Mike) thought it meant i would consider reconciliation, b/c i am NOT. I told him that this wasnt something i jumped into, that we had been to various couples & individual counselors & therapists over many years, & there is no where else to go from here. That i had tried every OTHER route, & this is the one i must take. I told him i was not in love with him anymore after years of belittlling & abusiveness. Fr. Mike just kept saying "ohhhh, hmmmm". I could tell he wasnt happy, he was always protective of me, but he also always likes Mike (of course, a nice "Irish boy" for me, in his eyes).

He reiterated that he wanted to talk w/ me alone - to "really hear what has been going on & maybe he could help in some way".

I am NOT oppossed to talking with him, but i really dont NEED anymore therapy, i have a therapist, but i feel an obligation to Fr. Mike. He gave me one of the greatest gifts i ever received, my love of Africa. It is like it gets in your blood. Its really hard to explalin. People who travel to a place like this, & see the things we did together, its like you form a life bond. My most precious memory was when we travelled to a very remote orphanage run by sisters. It was the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, & so many children were left as orphans. We stayed with them & on Easter Sunday Fr. Mike did a sunrise mass, in swahilli. There were all these beautiful little children, surrounding Father Mike, all of them singing Easter hymns, in Swahilli, their big eyes looking up at him as if he were God himself. It is one of my most beautiful memories, in my lifetime.

In some small way i suppose i feel as if i failed him. But even though he married us & I DID take that oaths i did, i cant be expected to have stayed in that marriage. I know in my heart, thats not what he woudl want for me. Maybe he feels obligated, father-like, to talk with me to be sure i really know this is what i want? Maybe he feels down teh road he can at least help Mike?

I dont know. I will go see him, if for nothing else, out of respect for him. He asked to see me, I will do it. But i wont let him talk me into thinking maybe there is a chance even *IF* mike gets himself together. I have gone too far down this road now, to be swayed. & who knows, maybe he wont try to sway me at all. he KNOWS me well, & i am sure he trusts my decisions.

I will meet with him either Wed or Thurs. Will let you know how it goes. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 7:35am

It sounds like you've got your head together, hon. Just remember if the Fr. takes the conversation down the wrong road, it is not disrespectful to end the conversation. With the history you share I think you could do that easily. Remind him that conversations between clergy and parishioners are privileged and he absolutely must not pass on anything you say to stbx. Also point out to him that stbx has already used him and will do it again.

It's sad how people don't recognize that there is such a thing as *unholy* matrimony. (Not going to climb onto that soapbox today.)

Best of luck and I hope he hears you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:37am

What he needs to understand is that this is CLASSIC behavior for someone like your STBX.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:07am
Thank you !I realize now I dont need to justify or apologize. Who knows, maybe Fr. Mike just wants to be support to me. The more i have thought about this, i feel like Fr. Mike wants to see me b/c he feels obligated maybe, just to be sure that i am ok, & understand what I am doing ... & i am, & i do! & who knows, maybe he will be the person who can help Mike to see what he needs to do to get his life on track, without ME, but with our dd. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:08am

You are SO right! "He'd agree to try this to help, and as soon as he thought you saw him making an effort, he'd back off and revert to his old ways." ... that happened over & over & over ... till i was done beleiveing. Hence, where i am now.

Thanx for your input! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:32am
Validation, Dear.... that's what it's called!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~