37yo mom of baby divorcing-need support
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| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:51pm |
I'm new here. I am 37-years-old, new mother of a five-month-old. My 30-year-old husband of three years and I have just decided to divorce. I am nervous about what is about to happen and how it will all turn out. I never thought I would be a statistic of divorce. I can't believe that my baby daughter and I are about to be by ourselves. Everything is amicable so far, but we haven't actually started the process yet. My husband never got into being a "Daddy" when our baby was born. I did EVERYTHING. I had to clean the house, do the cooking, take care of the baby, and work 40 hours a week. I thought it was just ridiculous. And, there were other issues, of course. So, now, after counseling and a lot of arguing, we have decided to end it. We simply had different ideas of how a marriage should work, about the finances, the childcare, the housework, everything. We just disagreed. I thought it should be equal. I felt that we should both do our share in taking care of baby, taking care of the house, cleaning, repairs, etc. And, I thought that we would share a bank account, put our incomes together and pay the bills together. I thought we would take turns getting up with the baby, cooking, and just all that family stuff. He felt differently. He thought everything should pretty much be separate. He kept his own account with his paycheck, and he thought I should keep my own, and that we should split the bills. (He made about five times money more than I) He felt I should take care of the baby, pretty much all by myself. He felt that I should do the cooking, the cleaning, the lawn duties, and just everything, which I did. But, no more. Why are men like this? He didn't seem like this in the beginning.
I guess I was just wanting to talk to others in situation like this? Or maybe just get some support? I don't know what I wanted. Many others out there with problems like this when they divorced??
Gurlnexdohr

<<<I am nervous about what is about to happen and how it will all turn out. I never thought I would be a statistic of divorce.>>>
Hugs~ Lexi
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown
I'm new here, and I'm in your same situation. My husband and I had DD about 2 1/2 years ago. I was the full time EVERYTHING. He and I are just now separating, and I have a feeling he'll be much more involved when all this is said and done. At least I hope so anyway.
Hello and Welcome to the board..... my EX became a MUCH better parent after we divorced.... granted that I still had a LOT of pointers to give.... carefully so that I didn't step on his toes or tick him off by undermining his abilities... but I DID bend over backwards to be firm about his parenting time, yet flexible and accommodating AND, at first, I kept a running list of things for them to do so that he'd know what to do with them when he has them (go to the park, point out good movies that were playing, tell him about children's events going on around town, etc.)
I hope you're right about your STBX.
I'm glad that you found us..... we're here with you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I'm with ya!.... if it's not working, it's time to call it quits.
I'm glad that things are rolling along amicably... and hope that continues.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
gurlnexdohr,
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. You're situation is almost identical to mine, except my H is the older one. He is 13 years older than me. Although we haven't separated yet, it is coming soon (I've already started making plans)
Like you, I also work full time from 40 to 50 hours per week. I also have to do all the housework, be responsible for all our household bills, do yardwork, home repairs, plus care for our daughter. In addition, my H has a business which I am a partner in (big mistake on my part), so even though I do not participate in the company (construction) I also have to take care of the finances there too. Like you, we also have joint accounts, however, unlike you, my husband will not agree to split the bills. I am responsible for paying all of our bills out of my paychecks (car payments, insurance, utilities, credit card payments, groceries, DD school expenses, gifts, toiletries, etc, etc, etc.) The only HH payment he has been responsible for in the past is the house payment, and now he even refuses to pay that. He draws a salary of $1500 to $2000 per month and the only bill he has to pay is a $650 house payment and he won't do it, while I have to stretch my checks to the dime to cover all the monthly bills. I can't afford to pay the house payment and I've told him so but he doesn't seem to care. When I asked him what he intended to do with his money, he said "pay bills" but when I asked "what bills", he couldn't name any specifically!
I can completely relate about hating to be a divorce statistic. This is my second marriage and I feel like such a failure. But it takes two people to have a successful marriage and if your partner will not work with you, what can you do? The only person you can control is you. Keep your head up and take care of yourself and your DD. Things can only get better from here. There's no where to go but up, right?
I'll be thinking about you! Good luck!
What is it with some guys that they think they don't have to "share" all of the responsibilities of being married? I hear this same thing so often that I'm so confused about what a "marriage" means to people.
I was in a similar situation myself for more years than I care to remember. My XH, though a good provider, was basically a "pay check". Since I was a stay-at-home mom for 15 years I felt it was my job to do the housework and cooking. We had many arguments about the yard work and general household maintanence. He felt I should "help" him with all of his chores, after all he had to work all day.
As far as the children's activities and school functions I was on my own most of the time. In fact a great deal of the other parents thought I was already divorced. XH had the idea that he had a choice as to which function he "felt" like attending!
When I went back to work I tried to talk to XH about helping out with the cooking and cleaning and chaufering of kids and attending games, parent teacher conferences and doctor appointments in my absence. His job allowed him to be home when the kids got home from school, a full 3 hours before I made it home. Again more arguing - I should stay home and not work if I couldn't handle the extra work load!!! What a guy!
I think that XH was "taught" this mentality. His parents had the same relationship. In my house, (3 brothers & myself) there was no "girls" work and "boys" work. Today all of my brothers are equal partners with their spouses. My BIL once told me that it was all my fault as I "let" him get away with this behavior!? WHATEVER!
ANYWAY - I guess my point is that we need to be more communicative with our expectations of marriage and the roles each of us will be taking on.
Just my honest opinion now that I have lived through it.
e