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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:18am |
Hi everyone!
I'm new to this board however I used to post to the step-parrenting board several years ago. Since then I am no longer a step parrent. I left my ex Dec.52001 after he smashed my cell phone.(I can get into this more another time)
I'm now divorced as of may 27,2004. My problem is this the ex for the three years we were seperated, has told my girls that we would get back together. He would even have them say a specific prayer everynight. I had already told him and the girls that under no circumstances would I ever get back together with him. My dd's are age 10 (this sat.) and 8. They are the best things that ever came out of my marriage.
I tried for full custody and was told we had to enter into "conflict resolution classes".
Currently we have sharred custody. We live in the same school district we even are on the same school bus route. The first in my list of vents is that ex gets kids to school M,T,W and every other TH. The first two weeks of school he had them ride the bus because we had a court date and he knew tardiness was an issue for me from the previous year.
Since this court order happened he has had the kids late to school 32 times since the beginning of school. I'm considered primary resident for the purpose of their schooling.This means that the school always contacts me for anything therefore I'm getting the letters from the principle about being tardy.
Counseling is not going well at all. Everytime I have a joint session with him I'm depressed and feel like I can't live in a sense.I guess numb to the world. By the next day I'm better. I just can't seem to get anyone to realize how irresponsible he is. For the last couple of months my 10 yo dd has been telling me she wants to live with me full time This really frustrates me because I feel trapped by the court right now. She loves her dad but can't stand the way he is. She is very smart and is realizing how much her dad has lied to her.
He has also been dating someone he met over the internet for ,it will be a uear in June. This woman has been sleeping in his bed for just about as long but as the girls tell me "They sleep with their clothes on". I've been noticing signs of this woman being there alot more foten lately. I asked the girls if she was moving in and they tell me no.Until yesterday. They said guess what , she's moving in. Just 4 weeks ago he was telling me that this person would be totally fine if I decided to come back. I just don't get him at all. He always is do what I say and not what I do. He keeps trying to control me even through the counseler. At this point I have stopped going because I feel so much better when I don't have to deal with him.
Sorry this is so long. If any questions please ask and I can clarify. Iknow I jumped around alot. There is still much more but thats all I can do for now.
Thanks for the ear

Are you documenting everything? You should have a notebook that lists when the school calls or copies of letters when they are late, and a notating that they were with him that day.
Unfortunately you can't do anything about the girlfriend moving in. What you can do is find ways to not let it matter to you. Have you considered individual therapy? I think this is important for anyone during or after a divorce, but even more so when you are dealing with an ex like yours. My therapist has helped me develop much better ways to interact with my ex, and he doesn't cause anywhere near the problems your ex causes. You can't control what he does, but you can control how you react and how it affects you.
I am going to be very blunt here. I said I didn't tell you the whole story. I am in no way shape or form trying to poison my kids against their father. How is asking him to be on time to pick up the girls, on time to get them to school, give them a bath when they stay with him(they only get baths when they are with me) make sure they have clean clothes or even clothes that fit them how is that poisoning them?
I love my kids very much. I live in a mobile home that he considers trash. I live right next to the school district campus and although my HOME is not 200,000 dollars like the ones down the street he degrades where I live to my girls.I do not degrade his home. We both rent and he likes to brag about how much better his place is than mine. I moved into this home because when I left him it was in December and there were no places available in the school district to rent. For about the first 6 months after I left ,he wanted nothing to do with the kids. I encouraged him to at least see them once a week.
How is that poisoning them?
We toghether came up with the custody arrangement. I had the court enforce it onto paper because he wasn't following it. The girls come home to my place everyday after school. On his days he is supposed to pick them up by five o'clock. Yes I have alot of this documented to , he still shows up late eventhough it's been stated in court documents to be there at a specific time.
How is that poisoning?
I could have pulled the girls out of theschool district when for 6 months he ignored them. Do you know that for thoses 6 months my girls thrived! I'm alomst sorry at this point that I have given him so much. I would be absolutely fin with joint custody if he could just be responsible.
Now to know about the monster side of him. My girls have asked what went wrong. I can't tell them because they would hate their father. But I can tell you.
Prior to my leaving I started having breathing problems. I went to my doctor and he prescribed my muscel relaxers. I would only take them at night if I was haveing a problem. Now to back up a little more ,my ex would only ever sleep on the couch. The only time he would come to bed is if he wanted sex. I didn't realize I was going into depression as well. I'm also a heavy sleeper to bign with. I don't remember a whole lot but I do remember waking up a couple different times not knowing why it was so wet between my legs. I thought somethiong was happening to me. Well it was my ex was haveing sex with me and I wasn't even aware of it. The only thing I can think of is that it happened when I took my muscle relaxers. I know this to be true because the ex admitted it to me.
He is a very good manipulater. He has every intention of being a good father. He just seems to forget the follow through. He also shows the girls the checks he brings home. He has also stated that he doesn't want to pay child support. I currently take care of insurance for the girls. I buy 90% of their clothing. He had them for X-mas morning this past x-mas and didn't buy anything individual for them. He left that up to me and his girlfriend. I've had the chance to meet her and she seems nice and the girls like her.
I do question her parrenting though. Since dating my ex she has lostcustody of her sons. Her 17 yo sons has his 19 yo girlfriend living with them(before she moved) Her 14 yo even called her to tell her he felt abandoned by her so then 4 weeks latter instead of giving more time to her son she moves in with my ex.
He tries to shove religion down my throat (I brought him to the church) Tells my girls that Mom's church is a dead church eventhough that is where we got married and that is where the girls were baptized.
I didn't come here for you to be so judgemental of me. I had stated that I didn't tell everything and if there was something not understood please ask I will try to help you understand. Don't be so critical without all the facts. Again if I need to explore more on a subject please ask.
You are doing just fine, honey!!! Don't let one bad post upset you and please don't allow your ex to get to you! You are doing everything you are supposed to be doing and no one has the right to judge you!!! You are a GREAT Mom and I know the pain and anger that you are feeling is NORMAL under the circumstances!!
Take care of yourself and your kids and take comfort in knowing that You are being the best parent for your children!!! HUGS!
Hello, lifesp. I am sorry to read that you are having to deal with such a difficult (even a little twisted?) Ex. Your DD's will have to learn to deal with him in their own ways. If you give them lots of love, and provide a quiet home they know they will return to on a set day, then they will have a much better chance than some kids do. As they grow, try your best to help them come up with strategies for making the best of it.
Does your 10 y.o. have an alarm clock? Unless she is one of those legendary heavy sleepers that I hear tell of, she should be old enough to get herself up, dressed and fed on time. If she told her Dad that she has a good friend on the bus, and she wants to ride it every day, would that not take care of at least one child's tardies?
Here's hoping the 8 y.o. matures quickly and happily. Best of luck.
Unless you have a stipulation in your divorce agreement about overnight guests, there's not a lot you can do about his girlfriend being there over night UNLESS THEIR BEHAVIOR IN FRONT OF THE KIDS IS INAPPROPRIATE.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~