DD is having SUCH a rough time ...
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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:55am |
She just turned 5. 1st off, she has been really asking me a LOT if i am going to die, & "leave her an orphan". Its so d@mn hard to answer - i just tell her that Mommy & Daddys almost ALWAYS dont die till they are really really old, that we have LOTS of things to do before i die, lets not even talk about it b/c its SO long away, etc. & she usually says "But youre not too old & your Mommy died, SHE wasnt too too old". & of course, the "orphan" idea - i try to reassure her that i am pretty sure nothing will happen to Mommy OR Daddy for a long time, but IF it did, she would never be an orphan b/c she would always have the other parent - & even if she didnt, then Uncle Chris & Patty, & our families, would always take care of her.
So then, the old man, who i was caring for in home care for the past 5-6 months, who she loved, & called "Grampa Phil", he died last week. I just cant bring myself to tell her. I mean, Mike leaving brought up all those feelings of loss of my Mom for her, & now Grampa Phil (not to mention that my Gramma is late 80's, & Mikes parents are both pretty old & frail) .... & NOW, this AM, one of her fish, Princess, died. She was SOBBING. It was so pathetic. & of course, the 1st words out of her mouth were "I need my Dadda". She asked to call him so i did what i did once b4, i said he was at work, but she could leave him a phone message. & i called MY cell & she thought she was leaving it for him. She cried "Daddy, I am sorry to tell you this but Princess, the fish you bought me, died, she was all white & i yelled for Mommy & she came in & said "oh oh" & then i am so sad, please can you come home .... to visit one day? ... i need you" ....
Sh*t. How pathetic is THAT???? My heart is breaking for her. & then we were snuggling on the couch & she was crying & saying "my belly feels so angry & sad" & then she was asking if Paka, out almost 16 yr old cat would die .... & she was sobbing about that, that she is so old, & lots of ? about Heaven & how do i KNOW its so nice if i wasnt ever there - & will we SEE Paka die? & what about Kibo? He's an older doggy. etc, ect.
Oh man, the kid has herself so worked up over death & loss ... i wish so badly i could take all this pain away from her. It is breaking my freaking heart. & i know none of it would be so bad if she had her Daddy. I HATE HIM for what he is doing to her!!!!!!!!!!
& now i am waiting to hear if they granted supervised visitation ... & if it will be granted in time & then Mike will agree to it ... & how soon i can get her to see him.
This is all just too freaking much. R~
Oh, I Ave refused to go see the cousnelor yesterday. I called to tell them she didnt want to go & she said "Yes, i got the feeling last week - (only her 2nd visit) that she was tuning out & becoming uncomfortable when i talked about things. I think that reality is setting in, we dont want to force her to come, so let it be her choice & we will offer again in a few days"


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"She asked to call him so i did what i did once b4, i said he was at work, but she could leave him a phone message. & i called MY cell & she thought she was leaving it for him."
Does your ex not have a phone? If he does, then I don't understand why you would not let her call him. Maybe he needs to hear and feel her pain. Very confusing...
"I HATE HIM for what he is doing to her!!!!!!!!!!"
How is hating him going to help your daughter? Children can sense animosity between adults, without a doubt. Can you really work effectively together with your ex to help your daughter if you harbor this much hatred?
Im sorry Adam, you must not know my story. Or you would understand (i think).
There is a RO that he cannot contact my self or our dd. He is an alcoholic who was extrememly verbally & emotionally abusive to me, some minor physical, & some MAJOR threats or bodily harm & death, to me ("he would burn the house down with me in it", "he woudl tear me to peices", etc). The Domestic Violence shelter had dd inculded in the RO as well, b/c he was emotionally abusing her, to get to me. & he says HORRIBLE things to her, about me, & to me, in front of her - thinsg you coudlnt even stomach to hear. He is very rageful. So, 3 weeks ago we filed the RO & i had him removed from our home. He & dd are very very close. He was a very good loving caring father to her all these years, BUT ... he has some history of mental illness & as i said, Alcoholism, & rage, & he began to really scare me. Plus he threatened to take her & i would never see her again.
Court for the RO was suppossed to be today. My plan, as i REALLY feel she NEEDS to see him, was to keep the RO on me, but drop it on her- but only with supervised visits for him right now, until we know he is emotionally & mentally stable. But court got postponed, as of yesterday, for another almost TWO weeks. I did NOT want to keep her away from him any longer, for her & for his sake ... so i insisted they ask today, when they ask for a continuance, that supervised vists be ordered NOW, not wait another 2 weeks. I am sure he doesnt realize all I am trying to do to get him to see his dd - in truth, i am diong it for HER ... but in some sense, for him too i guess. I know how much he loves her. He just REALLY needs guidelines & supervision right now, as he isnt thinking strait. & since he was served w/ divorce papers this week, i know he will be very angry & bitter towards me. But that SHOULDNT affect his realtionship with his dd, but he HAS let it in the past.
& yes, he does have a phone, but again, the RO prohibits ANY contact.
If you want more of the story, i have posted over the past few weeks, you could always look the posts up. But in a nutshell, thats why we are at this point.
Thanks
I understand completely what you are going through.
My son is 6 ( just turned 2/7 ) and about 2 weeks ago he was so upset about his father that I had to keep him home from school. ( he LOVES school )
He was so upset and teary, he went into the bathroom and sat there facing the window. He would not talk about what was upsetting him no matter how much I asked and how much I comforted. Finally after my BF went to work, he said he missed daddy. Then he started asking ALL SORTS of questions. He asked why daddy left us. He asked why daddy was with Miss Amy now, and why we aren't married anymore. I told him that I love him and daddy loves him..... no matter what. There were a lot more questions asked.... and then I finally broke down. I started to cry and he just looked at me and said "why don't we live with daddy anymore?" I just reassured him that just because we don't live with daddy doesn't mean daddy doesn't love you and your sister. The only thing I couldn't answer was "why doesn't daddy want to see us very much". I told him to ask daddy. I try so hard to get my X to see the kids more and he just rebels and rebels. So I told him to ask daddy and asked my son if he wanted to call Daddy. My son said no. He finally stopped crying and we spent the rest of the day together doing things. Some school projects and things like that. He seemed happy..... Then he asked if he could draw some pictures. He spent the rest of the day drawing pictures of me, his father and him. All happy and all with smiles. He even drew our old house.
It is so hard, what do you say? What do you do? I guess even though your situation is terrible, talking bad about your X to your kids ( regardless of what he did to you ) is never a good idea. They will always remember the bad things. Just like when you tell them to pick up their toys, they "forget", but you say the word "sh!t" just once and they remember it forever. They remember when we say we love them and even though their father's are being selfish right now it is important that we watch what we say ( even on the phone ) and we need to keep their parent in the positive light ALL THE TIME.
I get so mad at my ex and I LOATHE his girlfriend, but I will always greet them with a smile and stay relaxed in front of the kids. You have to.... it's what is best for them!
I don't know how to tackle the death thing. We had a death in the family last week and my son doesn't understand what it means for her to be "gone". We had a family gathering last weekend and he said "grandma sobo wasn't there"...... he doesn't understand that she passed away. Sometimes sharing too much does more harm than good. I guess just leave it at a short explaination.....
Good luck and I hope all works out with you :)
Hugs,
Angelena
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I'm sorry for your issues as well. Its not easy! is it!
Luckily Averey inderstands death pretty well. When we lost my Mom last year, at age 60, it was very hard. Averey & she were VERY close, Ave was the only grandchild. But we have lots of books on death & she understands that "Gramma's body is buried where we can visist it, but her soul, the good parts of her, is in Heaven where its warm & she is healthy again & happy". She seems to really "get" that.
I *never* talk badly about her Dad, is ANYthing, i end up defending or making excuses for him 1/2 the time. Like when he used to berate me in front of her, or the 5 times we had to leave for fear of my safety over the past couple of years, she would ask "Why does Daddy hate you? why is he so mean to you? why does he call you those bad names? Why is my Daddy so bad?" & i always told her "Your Daddy loves you very much. He isnt bad. He just has a very hard time being nice to Mommy sometimes, & when he is very angry, he says bad things that he really doesnt mean. So, we will go somewhere & have fun together, until Daddy can be nice again". I grew up in a BITTER divorce & heard all sorts of upsetting things & it was NO fun. I wont ever do that to her. In time, the child SEES what is what anyway ... & if she can stay innocent as long as possible, thats fine with me.
& i cant imagine having to answer why Daddy doesnt want to see her. I pray that doesnt happen. I really couldnt IMAGINE it b/c he is SO close to her, BUT .,.. he may do it out of spite to me, or playing martyr ("If you wont let me see her alone, then i wont see her at ALL", then he can say *I* am keeping her away from him). He is NOT going ot be happy about supervised visits, I am sure.
Thanks, R~
I don't know..... I don't think at this point I'd give her that choice (of seeing the counselor).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Good points. I will discuss it w/ the couselor. We hadnt gotten there, it was a few hours b4 when she said she didnt want to go. But i will talk to Ave at some point soon to broach the subject. I dont know, its a toss up. The couselor feels she verballizes her feelings well to me, she doesnt keep a lot in (as you can tell!) so maybe thats why she isnt too worried about her not continuing therapy? I dont feel forcing her to go, at this point, is going to be productive. Maybe once she sees her Dad, then she will be more positive about going. One thing the therapist asked was that i tell her that even if she didnt want to go anymore, Lynn like to have a good-bye meeting & to meet one more time .....
HEY! I just stopped typing & asked Ave about the therapist & told her that Mommy goes to a freind named Susan (i call Lynn her "freind", not her therapist, to her) & it helps me talk about my feelings, when i am sad about my mommy, or about Daddy, or about anything - & it really helps my heart & my belly & my head, & woudlnt she liek to see Lynn one day again? & she said "I want to go today". SO ... i called her & she will see her at 5pm! :) I told her about the fish & she said "Oh no, poor kid. What rotten timing!"
Ok, i feel better now! Thanks Karen!
OK... so she doesn't hold in her feelings.... but she still needs to have them validated.... and to figure out WHAT to do with them when she feels them.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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