New to Board - Need Advice Please
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| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:45pm |
I hope I am posting this on the right board. If not, please let me know.
I am currently making plans to leave H. We’ve been married for 7 years and we have one daughter, who is almost 12. This is a decision that I’ve thought long and hard about and I’m confident that I’m doing the right thing for me. I’m to the point now where I dread going home in the evenings, I’m miserable all the time and I’m sick of the fighting and worrying. I work full time, I do all the housework, handle all the finances, plus take care of our DD. H refuses to help out at all and on top of all our other problems, I can’t take it anymore. H has made it clear that he is who he is and he won’t change. So after years of broken promises, lies, disrespect, etc., I’ve finally had enough.
My question is this…of the people here who made the choice to leave the marriage, how did your spouse take the news? Were they angry? Sad? Relieved? Did you just pack up and leave while they were gone? Sit down and talk over dinner? Have a shouting match in the front yard? How many of you were able to sit down and have a civil conversation and have been able to work out the details of your divorce in a calm and fair manner?
The problem for me is that I just can’t seem to gather the courage to have this discussion with H. I’m not concerned with him being violent or anything. I just don’t know how he’s going to take it. He’s very aware of the problems, but I think he just assumes that I will stick around and take it and I think it will catch him off guard. One of my concerns is that I’m an accountant, so I don’t plan on doing anything until middle to end of April. I’ve already been looking at apartments, working on a budget, and I’ve already scheduled an appointment with an attorney. My thinking is that in order to be fair to H, I should tell him now, which could give us time to deal with the business, house, work on visitation, etc, if he’ll be cooperative. But if he blows up, then I could be forced to step up my plans, which I really can’t do in the middle of tax season. I want to be fair to him, but I also want to protect myself. I keep going over this in my mind and I just don’t know what to do. If you all have any advice or suggestions, I would be very grateful. Thanks.

There is no way to know how it will go until you do it. It's an easy thing to procrastinate, but you know you will feel much better once it is over. When I told my ex he was upset and angry. It took him a few days to calm down and when he did, he realized that this was better for both of us. Then he changed his mind and begged me to stay and have at least one more child together. The best thing you can do IMHO is not stop talking. He is going to have a range of emotions and so will you, but for your dd's sake you have to work through this together. You can't just end a marriage in one night after one conversation (unless it's abusive, and then you have to walk away and stay away). I was stuck living with my ex until we could sell our house - and let me tell you it was torture listening to him vent about all my mistakes - but I stayed and took it because I knew he just needed to get all those emotions out and after being married 9 years, I felt I at least owed him that. Once he worked through some of his feelings, he was more able to sit down and talk about practical things like how to split up our stuff and how to handle custody. One thing I did for him (since I always handled everything) was I made a budget for him too and helped him figure out what it would take for him to support himself (with a little help from me). I took every opportunity to let him know that I would make the process as easy as I could for both of us, but I stood my ground that it was over and I was not interested in making it work out.
One thing I tell everyone is that when you have the talk, don't give reasons why you have decided you want a divorce. Reasons make the other person think there are things they can do to make you stay. My ex was never interested in what I wanted in the bedroom, but as soon as I said I was leaving, he promised to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Of course that wasn't going to work, my intent was not to threaten him into wanting to be there for me. It was easier when I just started saying that it was not working for me and I wanted to divorce and still do what we both thought was best for our child.
I understand you are frusterated and to you, it may seem incredibly obvious, but does he know? Have you told him? Have you suggested couceling or any other options to try to improve things? Just curious, cuz when I told my ex that I wanted a divorce, he said it was a slap in the face because he was unaware of my feelings. Naturally, I expected him to be a mind reader and low and behold, he wasn't.
Tell him you aren't happy and you need things to change. See how he takes that. I guess the only thing you can do is be honest with him. Tell him how you are feeling and that you need him to validate those feelings for you. It might not be a bad idea to have a place lined up where you can stay for a few days or longer if things need to cool off.
Certainly if he has a bad temper, you will need to be careful. Don't put yourself your your DD in harms way. Every situation is different. In my case, my ex kicked in a door and put a whole in the wall. He also cried really a lot, which I had never seen. I comforted him, because I didn't feel as though I was in any danger and it allowed us to talk about a lot of things. Keep the lines of communication open, even if you aren't staying together because a lot can come out that may change how you feel about things. But that was just my experience.